Thursday

It Couldn't Have Been More Perfect Had I Meticulously Planned This for Months

The other day I told a friend I've been experiencing some writer's block in finishing my book and that there's this chapter I just cannot finish because it feels like it's not good enough and I have no idea what else to write about and I'm kinda losing it, guys.

Her advice? Online dating.

Me: What does online dating have to do with anything?

Carla: Everything. Do you know how much material there is in those websites?

Me: But the dudes in there are mostly weird and stuff, no?

Carla: Exactly my point. Just sign up for a few, chat it up with some guys, and in two weeks you'll have enough juice to make a blender of books.

I apprehensively made my foray into online dating (yet again) last night in the hunt for "book juice." It was almost bedtime and I was just browsing profiles and laughing a little at the guy who wrote, "You are really beautiful and hott and gorgeous you are."

Um... I guess "I are" if makeup is applied adequately and I brush my hair. Anyhow, I was about to go to sleep when I get a notification stating I have a message from "CubanBarber." Just from the screen name I already knew this wasn't going to go anywhere, but as I looked at his main picture of him boxing I was all, Hmhmm, I know this guy from somewhere. I began to browse through his pics and what am I hit with on the third? This shit:

And you know... it really would not have been a big deal that a guy on a dating website who's twenty-six and a barber and from Miami and whose interests are "my bike, haircuts, casual sex, and my dick" to have a naked picture of himself with a hat over his junk. At the end of the day, I hear girls are into that sort of stuff and 1/10 times it works. What is weird, is that this gentleman, is the same precise gentleman who texted me a picture of his penis on my last post after I declined his breakfast invitations. Which only leads me to the following things I already mostly knew:
  1. There are no available men in this town and I'll have better luck in Alaska mating with a polar bear.
  2. Thank Lord Jesus I didn't go have pancakes with this psychotic exhibitionist.
  3. Carla was totally right about online dating.
I think I've found the official end, of everything.

14 comments:

bluemoon said...

I got my first unsolicited dick pic last week. It was the second pic in a very tricky slideshow, so I was examining the first pic to see if I even KNEW the guy when it switched over. BAD, BAD. Why do guys insist on doing this? In related news, he was an online dating guy I "met" online over a year ago who randomly decided to message me even though we'd never met. He also asked if I wanted to get together and "play". Sigh.

Jeannie said...

Hilarious my friend!!

Annah said...

Bluemoon: "Play"? What does that even *mean*? These boys... Sigh, indeed.

Jeannie: I was like, hmm why does that face look so familiar. Maybe if it was a picture of his *#%$^ I would've recognized him instantly seeing he loves to send those to everyone. Yikes.

Anonymous said...

You misspelled "cock juice" when talking about your foray into "online dating."
I didn't know they had come up with a new term for the whores who peddle themselves on Craigslist.

Jeff Evans said...

Coming to the end of a project like that is always a mixture of sadness, relief, grief, fear . . . love the cover, and the subtitle is dead-pitch perfect! I also think the urge for some guys to flash their junk at random women is pretty much the same urge that leads to flashing--which is a hallmark of a sad, inadequate personality. Anyways, good one, Gorgeous, and looking forward to reading it, long story or no!

Scarlett said...

Oh Annah.....first the guy is a total douche canoe ! Second, I want a copy of the book, and third - thanks for the laugh the coffee out of my nose incident. That shit could only happy to you....only you. LOL

Katsidhe said...

That is a completely normal reaction to finishing your book; nearly all writers experience this. People are getting on me because they think that's what I'm doing with mine, too.

You're almost there! Keep going, babeh!

thoughtsappear.com said...

This is the 3rd story I've heard like that this month!

Maybe there's just one guy out there ruining it for everyone.

T. Roger Thomas said...

Cool cover art!

Stephanie Iris said...

Can't wait to read it. :)

Janet Perez said...

Love the cover art. Also, men who post dick pics online will probably end up getting laid... but also probably live with their mommy and don't have/will never have a real job.

Rebekah Mae said...

Haha hooomygod. I'm never going to dump my boyfriend because Jesus is there ever a drought when it comes to good men.

But this story reminds me of when I was at work, and I saw this guy that looked familiar..yeah it was because he posted a m4w add on Craigslist. O_O

Awwkward

Beaner said...

Meh, there's some good dudes on there, just have to sort thru all the coal to find the diamond. I'm on some of them. I get to meet a wider audience than all the run down biker mommas in the circles I run in.

PathBLaughs said...

(New commenter) My friends and I always loved going online to get a good laugh via dating websites! Also? I love the term 'book juice'.