Tuesday

Oh-My-God Enough With the Dick Pics Already!

I'm not sure if I'm blowing this out of proportion but, I'm sensing a growing trend here with the gentlemen of this age and their overzealous desire to send someone, anyone, pictures of their dicks. Maybe because pictures have become readily available at the touch of a button, or maybe because they actually believe somewhere in their minds that penises are attractive. But really, what the hell, guys?

The other month (I know I'm totally behind on blogging and I'm truly sorry about that) I went out to a bar with my best friend, Britt. A guy approached me and started a conversation. He was an alright looking fella, intelligent in thought and not stingy with the drink buying which always helps when you're a single woman paying bills. We must've chatted for about forty minutes and then parted ways. While I held my conversation with him, Britt played wingwoman by talking to his less-than-attractive friend, who was very persistent in getting her number even though she told him she was married and not interested in any men that were not her husband (a lie, of course).

The next morning when we woke up for brunch Britt was all, “You have to see this.”

Me: What is it?

Britt: The guy from last night sent me a picture of his ding dong.

Me: How do you know it was the guy from last night.

Britt: Because it’s an unknown number and a huge coincidence that I gave my number to a complete stranger to then get this on my phone the morning after.

Me: What did it say?

Britt: Nothing. I just opened up my phone and bam! Dick pic.

Me: Christ. What'd you say to him?

Britt: "Um... Who is this?" And you want to know what his reply was? “Sorry, wrong number.”

It was unsettling to me that morning just how hilarious I found this to be. How do you say “wrong number” after sending something like that to someone you don't know? But I’m guessing the more pressing question is, would it still have been a wrong number had Britt replied with, “Gimme that sausage!”

A few weeks later we went to the Blue Zombie and I confess to having exchanged numbers that evening with one too many fellows I hardly remember speaking to. Before I’d crossed over to the dark side though, I had a convo by the bar with a cute Cuban dude that kept insisting we should “go to breakfast.” Maybe he just really liked pancakes or was a coffee aficionado, but I agreed in my tipsy rage knowing good and well I’d never attempt to see him again. The next morning, Cuban dude texted me to find out if we were going to breakfast. I told him I was tired and had a nail appointment so “maybe tomorrow.” Ten minutes later he asks me to send him a picture, which I promptly ignore and resume my TV marathon. Soon after I receive a picture of him, shirtless, in front of the bathroom mirror.

Nice, I thought, and still ignored his dumb ass.

Eight hours later this animal texts me yet again with, “Guess not." You can guess what I did.

My cell had a barrage of messages the following morning from friends wanting to know about my Super Bowl plans that evening. I only replied to my nearest and dearest letting them know I hated football and intended to sleep all day, allowing the rest to float in text message limbo. Two days later - because I am OCD - I began to clean up the text message conversations from all the people who’d filled up my phone that Sunday, when I saw an unread message from Cuban dude. When I open, there it is, a picture of his inflated penis, which he was holding proudly like a sword called to battle. Of course I texted Britt to share that this time it’d been my turn to be on the receiving end of this virtual catastrophe.

Me: I just got a dick pic from Cuban dude.

Britt: The guy who wanted to take you to breakfast?

Me: Yes. That douche.

Britt: Had you asked for it?

Me: Um, no!

Britt: Was it big, at least?

Me: It was huge. Disgusting.

Britt: Ha ha. Stop pretending like you didn't want to see it.

Me: I *do not* want to see that. It's not pleasant to look at. Why would anyone think otherwise?

Britt: Well, what did he say?

Me: Drum roll please... “Morning wood.”

Britt: Oh God. Forward it to me.

Me: Ew. I deleted it, you creeper.

Britt: You should’ve posted it on your blog.

This is the part where I apologize for not saving the picture to post here but I’m certain that like me, no one wants to see that. I asked my guy friends about this odd behavior and they said it’s a hit or miss situation that happens quite often. “Nine out of ten times it doesn't work,” one offered sheepishly, "but there's always that one. So if you didn’t take the bait, some desperate chick out there did.”

And so whenever someone else asks me why I'm single, I will direct them to this blog post and accept no further questions about my relationship status. Ever. Again.

22 comments:

kristac1303 said...

Ohmigod I so feel your pain. One time when a boy sent me a picture of his penis, I photoshopped a hat onto it and sent it back to him saying "He looked cold". I don't think he appreciated the joke as much as I did!

Felicia-May Stevenson said...

Annah posted!!! Yay!!!

That is hilarious... Lucky for us we're one of the one in ten that doesn't go for that crap. As for the other nine, wtf girls??? I can only imagine the google searches that will lead to this post! Lol

So great to hear from you, don't be such a stranger, you hear?

Jeff Evans said...

Speaking as a guy, I don't get it. Really. Yikes. And thank you for not posting the pic, Gorgeous. Your reading public owes you one for that, I think.

not exactly "Saint" Michael said...

Omg, @kristac1303, I think I may start sending dick pix in the off chance one girl out there will do that to me. That's awesome.

Little redhead said...

I seriously doubt nine out of ten girls go for that, especially with a stranger. If it's a guy you're seeing, well then I get it. But a random dude you barely know, seems a bit creepy to me. And when will men learn that women aren't as into the visual stuff, give me sexy talk over a close-up of a man's dangley bits any day. Most penises aren't that appealing looking.
And lol at the first comment, what a brilliant come-back.

Anonymous said...

Hilarious!!! I don't understand the dick pic...I can't tell how many un-soliciated, out of the blue dick pics I get and its pretty disgusting...Im no prude...but however told the dudes that the penis was pretty was mistaken ;)

Annah said...

Kristac: Oh damn that's priceless. Wish I would've thought of that. Now I can only sit here and hope fora dick pic. ha ha

Felicia: XOXO. I'm trying my best to write more. PROMISH.

Gia said...

First: I thought the title said "enough with the duck pictures" and I was like wtf why don't you like ducks?!?!

Secondly: I agree. Dick pics are not hot

Rebekah Mae said...

This, has never happened to me. Ever.

But I always get guys asking for "pics" of me. Which I send them, because I'm an obliging young lady.

**I send them a picture of me looking as rough as possible while making the most hideous face I can without actually risking causing my facial muscles harm**

Yvonne said...

I had a "friend" who would send me pictures of his penis in various stages, all the time. I never understood why he did it. I don't like it, it's not nice to look AT ALL and it does nothing for me. I finally told him so and the pictures stopped coming. (pun intended) What is it with the pictures of the body parts? Seriously???

Katsidhe said...

Oh the infamous dick pic...

How is your fur baby rescue recovering? (I had my own fur baby scare this month too. =( )

Smart Ass Sara said...

I get at least one penis picture per WEEK by total strangers. It's so bizarre and I don't know what they think I'm doing with these.

monstergirlee said...

Cocks are ugly! There is no such thing as a good looking cock.
Now, if you're Jon Hamm and hiding a masterpiece under your gaberdine pants, maybe I'd look at that but otherwise GROSS!

T. Roger Thomas said...

Pics or it didn't happen

thoughtsappear.com said...

So it works 1 out of 10 times? That still seems high.

Anonymous said...

oh-My-God Enough With the Not Posting Already! (you walked straight into that one!)

You have to wonder what kind of girl would be like "ok let's go".

Rotten Nuke said...

After an experience hours ago, while talking on Skype with a guy I barely know but on the brink of getting-to-know-each-other phase, I innocently accepted a dick pic of him. I really had to delete him on my friends' list and googled for the reasons why guys do that? Seriously. It's not sexy at all, I think. I wish he didn't do it. What a red flag!

Thanks for this post!

Annah said...

Anonymous: I know, I know. I am trying but work is KILLING me. I don't even have time to write on napkins during lunch. It's a sad era for me in the writing spectrum.

Rotten: It IS a red flag. One I'm glad you took notice of.

girlseule said...

This post is hilarious. I wonder what they are thinking. I can't imagine getting a guys number then shooting him a photo of my lady junk.

Jenna Hefner said...

I started playing "Ruzzle" with someone who used the player name "AlexGreen". There is a texting feature that I sometimes use, just for little comments like "good game", "you killed me on Round 2",etc. "AlexGreen" turned out to be a 16 yo boy from CA, and we played daily. Then, for no reason, and after a nice, normal conversation, he sent me a close up of the "D"!! And couldn't fathom why I ignored, then deleted him. ICK.

Jenna Hefner said...

I started playing "Ruzzle" with someone who used the player name "AlexGreen". There is a texting feature that I sometimes use, just for little comments like "good game", "you killed me on Round 2",etc. "AlexGreen" turned out to be a 16 yo boy from CA, and we played daily. Then, for no reason, and after a nice, normal conversation, he sent me a close up of the "D"!! And couldn't fathom why I ignored, then deleted him. ICK.

Anonymous said...

Hahahaha! Omg I'm so doing this!! ����