Wednesday

Is This How It's Supposed to Feel?

Because we’re single and proud, my best friend and I often act as stand-ins for the potential significant others we clearly don’t have (minus the sex). This Valentine’s Day, I decided to be romantic and buy her flowers which I sent to her office with a note declaring my non-lesbian love for her.

Sidenote: I have to take off my hat for men during Valentine’s Day who are trying to get laid or husbands who’ve been bad and have to purchase flowers. $72.00 for a bouquet of roses and carnations?! I hope they came with a stripper.

Anyway, as a gesture to return my sweet display of love, my bestie bought me a full body massage which I happily redeemed this weekend. My masseuse was a rather large girl of about 300 pounds which is awesome because I’m into that sort of thing and figured she’d be strong and meaty in her grip. I entered the tiny room and undressed while Beefy waited for me, quickly getting under the sheet and asking her to come in. I apologized and told her I’d be listening to my i-pod while she did her thing, seeing I hate elevator music and that’s what they were playing at the spa. Beefy said she didn’t care and stood in front of me as I faced down and got ready for my relaxing experience. One minute later she was bent over me rubbing my back while simultaneously massaging my head with her two large breastesses, rubbing them rhythmically against my head and shoulders. I’m not sure if there’s a polite way to say “I’m not enjoying this” or if this is part of her technique, so I remained silent while being attacked by two pounds of flesh on each side of my ears.

Suddenly the bed began to vibrate violently and I initially thought it was part of the treatment, but later realized that every time Beefy had to move around me the table was pushed in the other direction. When it was time to work my legs, Beefy placed the sheet under my panties in the customary fashion, then went on to tuck everything up my butt crack and violently massaged my cheeks like giant balls of ground beef being molded for a meatloaf. I wanted to say something but every time I turned off my i-pod to speak up, I heard her heavy breathing and got scared. Did I mention she poured an entire bottle of baby oil all over my body and hair?

It’s safe to say I will never buy my best friend flowers again, nor go to any spas for massage treatments purchased through Groupon.

And this is why women should never attempt to be romantic.

16 comments:

T. Roger Thomas said...

Sounds like this massage didn't have a happy ending for you.

Rebekah Mae said...

O_O I'm still disturbed by the fact that her boobs were massaging your head. Mainly because she should have noticed that! Because of the discomfort she must have felt having her lady lumps rubbing up against skull.

Poor you. :(

Anonymous said...

I'm sure you're more used to being the one who gets paid when you end up covered in oil and get stuff shoved up your ass, whore.

Vapid Vixen said...

Oh that's just great. I have a massage scheduled for next week that I bought off livingsocial. Basically the same as groupon.
I already know I've got a dude doing the massage. Here's hoping he's not obese and using his balls to massage my earlobes.

Summer said...

I am sorry you had such a bad experience. As a massage therapist, I'd rather the client speak up if he/she is not enjoying what I'm doing. We are there to make you feel great, not uncomfortable. But I must say, I am not a fan of Groupon either. I bought a massage Groupon once and was not impressed at all. And the woman knew I was a massage therapist from the beginning!! Live and learn, I guess.

Annah said...

T. Roger: Very very unhappy ending. And then I pulled a muscle the day after. I blame it on her boobs.

Rebekah: She felt it. I just don't think she cared.

Anonymous: My my my, look who decides to come around here.

Vapid: hahahahhaha. You're too much.

Summer: I've only had two massages my entire life so I don't have much of a basis for comparison. I do know my first one was wonderful and the lady didn't harrass my face with her boobs (or my butt cheeks with her hands).

Joe Pereira said...

My one and only massage didn't leave a good impression - it left lots of impressions in the form of bruises. The masseuse was as thin as a rake, her bony fingers left ruts all down my back. No, its not what you think, it was no s&m club but a spa in a 5 star hotel. Massages are waaaaay overrated :)

Jeff Evans said...

Heh! See, that's the kind of thing that would happen to me if I ever got one of those.

Yvonne said...

Oh no! That's not relaxing and intoxicating at all. Sorry boo boo. Next time pick someone with smaller breasteses! :)

Mynx said...

I love a decent massage, but I think what happened to you would have really freaked me out.

Certainly would not be going back to that place

Christy said...

OMG! Too funny! I'm still laughinggggggg!! I still think it's very cute... you & Ang being romantic :) IT is the thought that counts. Love you two <3 <3 <3 I want to be a bridesmaid at the wedding ;P hehe

Jaime S said...

I've never had a massage, and I'm not sure I ever will. All I hear is horror stories.

Katsidhe said...

OMG that's awful! I had a massage once, and it was a nice experience, but on the other hand I feel weird paying a stranger to rub there hands all over me.

Rebekah Mae said...

HOW COULD YOU NOT CARE?! Homg lol, though maybe I just have overly sensitive boobs.

Felicia-May Stevenson said...

Um hello? New post, por favor. >:/

Anonymous said...

I'm weird enough about people touching me let alone someone rubbing their breasts all over my head!

NEW POST PLEASE!