Because we’re single and proud, my best friend and I often act as stand-ins for the potential significant others we clearly don’t have (minus the sex). This Valentine’s Day, I decided to be romantic and buy her flowers which I sent to her office with a note declaring my non-lesbian love for her.
Sidenote: I have to take off my hat for men during Valentine’s Day who are trying to get laid or husbands who’ve been bad and have to purchase flowers. $72.00 for a bouquet of roses and carnations?! I hope they came with a stripper.
Anyway, as a gesture to return my sweet display of love, my bestie bought me a full body massage which I happily redeemed this weekend. My masseuse was a rather large girl of about 300 pounds which is awesome because I’m into that sort of thing and figured she’d be strong and meaty in her grip. I entered the tiny room and undressed while Beefy waited for me, quickly getting under the sheet and asking her to come in. I apologized and told her I’d be listening to my i-pod while she did her thing, seeing I hate elevator music and that’s what they were playing at the spa. Beefy said she didn’t care and stood in front of me as I faced down and got ready for my relaxing experience. One minute later she was bent over me rubbing my back while simultaneously massaging my head with her two large breastesses, rubbing them rhythmically against my head and shoulders. I’m not sure if there’s a polite way to say “I’m not enjoying this” or if this is part of her technique, so I remained silent while being attacked by two pounds of flesh on each side of my ears.
Suddenly the bed began to vibrate violently and I initially thought it was part of the treatment, but later realized that every time Beefy had to move around me the table was pushed in the other direction. When it was time to work my legs, Beefy placed the sheet under my panties in the customary fashion, then went on to tuck everything up my butt crack and violently massaged my cheeks like giant balls of ground beef being molded for a meatloaf. I wanted to say something but every time I turned off my i-pod to speak up, I heard her heavy breathing and got scared. Did I mention she poured an entire bottle of baby oil all over my body and hair?
It’s safe to say I will never buy my best friend flowers again, nor go to any spas for massage treatments purchased through Groupon.
And this is why women should never attempt to be romantic.