Monday

Holy Shitballs, Serial Stalker!

While on vacation in Houston, Olivia met a super hottie named Tony the night before going back home. Some time around five in the morning a group of us went back to the hotel to continue the debauchery somewhere in our room or lobby or wherever they allowed noise and the unlimited flowage of vodkaseltzers.

I'd met a guy that night who wasn’t too excited about taking Olivia and this strange dude in his car, but finally agreed after some coaxing on my part, also known as purring-in-his-ear-and-empty-promises-of-great-things-to-come. When we finally stuffed ourselves in Jason’s Charger, seven of us were on the way to continue the fiesta. Upon arriving to the Westin, Olivia simply told Tony that it was great to meet him and kissed him on the cheek. She then proceeded to get out of the car and leave us all there with our mouths wide open as we wondered, What the fuck are we supposed to do with this fool now?

After Jason dropped off Tony at a friend’s house and returned to us, the virtual stalking commenced. Before reading the following, you should note that:
  • Olivia had just met Tony that very night.
  • We have no idea what “hhh” means but have deduced it’s “ha ha ha” or “lol?”
  • You have to read this in a middle eastern accent because Tony is from Israel and his English not so good.
  • Olivia is really glad she didn't give him her name on "the Facebook."



After she finally got Verizon to block his calls, Olivia was in the middle of downloading an app for blocking texts when she received this very last message from Tony.

"Ohhhhhh Gooooohhhhddd."

And huf, Tony. Those are my sentiments exactly. Hhh.

22 comments:

Vapid Vixen said...

For some reason I'm picturing him with calluses on his thumbs.

Jack ass.

Vinny C said...

Oh... my... gawd... Did this guy eat or sleep at all for those - what - 4 DAYS since he met you guys?

Amber said...

Wow. That was like, funny and scary at the same time.

Now I need to go take a nap because trying to read that and understand it made me sleepy.

Rebekah Mae said...

haha so at first I was laughing because it reminded me of my friend Matteo that I met in Florence and how he acted when I told him I was leaving. (he cried)

And then I kept reading and promptly stopped laughing and got frightened.

That's...horrifying.

Carlos "cashe" said...

Can I have his number? I need to know something.. WHAT THE FUCK is"hhh".

Carlos "cashe" said...

Can I have his number? I have to find out something... WHAT THE FUCK is "hhh".. REALLY!

Annah said...

Vapid Vixen: I'd never thought of that. Poor poor, Tony.

Vinny: No. He did not.

Amber: It was funny. REALLY funny. Especially seeing them come in in sequence.

Rebekah: These foreign boys are a little sensitive, methinks.

Carlos: I wish I knew... One of life's mysteries.

Smart Ass Sara said...

It's things like this that make me wish I could have dated more. Because I feel like these are the things I missed out in my 20s.

Gia said...

Wowza. That is a LOT of texting.

Jeff Evans said...

Okay, all that makes be break out in hives. I have a severe allergy to people who try to surgically attach themselves to you just because you were nice to them. Sheesh.

Cerebral Milkshake said...

Jesus lotion-wearing Christ, that made my head spin.
I think the best way to ward off a stalker is to tell him you have The Herpes. If that doesn't work, tell him you have four kids and "baby-daddy don't like no dudes hangin' 'round and shit, bein' fresh outta prison and all". And if THAT doesn't work, MARRY HIM because he's the most committed MF you'll ever meet. Or shoot him in the face because he's REALLY psychotic and potentially dangerous. Yes, one of those.

Katerina said...

Holy shit balls - I've missed you!!!

Katerina said...

Like really really...

Katerina said...

I wanted to go on… and on and on to make a humorous point and tease you just a little, but the truth is I can't be arsed… how the hell could he be bothered? Was he smoking meth?

Where do you find these weirdos and why the hell do you seem to hold the psycho magnet?

Seriously though, this shit is why I missed you lol

Yvonne said...

All he wanted was her name for "The Facebook" ---- :) That was creepy and highly amusing at the same time.

See what happens when you come to the H???

Annah said...

Cerebral: Your comment had my friends and I cackling like hens last night. Awesome.

Katerina: You've been wayyy lost around here. But then again I haven't been writing much lately on the ol' blog.

Yvonne: I'm going back. I'm in lurv with your city. In fact thinking of going for my 30th birthday weekend.

Felicia-May Stevenson said...

Maybe he thought he'd found " The one". As in "the one" that would get him a green card. Lol

I've know guys like that. It's not easy being so wonderful ;)

Althea said...

Wooooah. Reminds me of a girl I knew. She kept trying to apologise to me and I kept ignoring her. She spoke English but her grammar was worse than his! :P x

T. Roger Thomas said...

I and my soon-to-be-lady friend seem to agree with your perspective on persistent texting.

Yvonne said...

Sweeet! You know, I'm having my big "40-something" birthday bash this Saturday, too bad you couldn't have come this weekend instead of last. No worries, I will drink in your absence. Hell, I'll drink in your presence too. ha!

GoofyGirl said...

("hhh" is apparently the new, even dumber, version of "lol" (which I still say looks like a dude drowning)... yeah, it's supposed to stand for "hahaha" or "hardyharhar", both equally retarded.
I hate myself for knowing this.)

Janet said...

This is not the same without the accent lol