Monday

Maybe Next Time You Will Live On The Moon

I don't know if I told you guys but, I'm moving. After much deliberation and a few vodka tonics, I decided it's time to say goodbye to the ol' apartment and move to a house for the sake of my beasts.

(Walking four dogs three times a day when you live on the second floor is harder than holding in your gas after a trip to Taco Bell.)

Because I just returned from Paris, and because I signed a lease that required a sixteen hundred dollar deposit, it's safe to say my money well has run dry times a thousand, and my formerly fabulous self has been reduced to a life of TV dinners and cheesy romance novels. I was bored to bloody tears as I stalked myself online yesterday and changed my banner for the hundredth time when I ran into my traffic sources. Real people actually searched for the following and found my blog, much to their disappointment I'm sure.
After flushing my confusion down with a glass of pinot, I decided I wanted Chinese. I ordered chicken lo-mein and egg rolls from "Mr. Lee" and thirty minutes later it arrived. I don't know if it's because it didn't come from a box or I was beyond ravenous, but Mr. Lee can come over and cook for me anytime (delicioso!). I polished off my noodles in ten minutes and excitedly opened my fortune cookie. Its message was precisely the subject of this blog post.

Seriously. It couldn't have been any of the following?
No. This cookie was mocking the very essence of my present existence.

Maybe next time you'll live on the moon, loser. In the meantime there's no hope for you so just hang yourself and call it a day.

I promptly ripped my fortune in half and flushed it down the toilet, sitting down with my glass half full (of pinot) and turning on the television.

Fuck you, fortune cookie. Fuck you.

26 comments:

Jeff Evans said...

Wow. Just, wow.

My fortune cookie this afternoon said I would receive a well-earned reward this weekend. I'm scared.

Gia said...

Ha, that's kind of a dickish cookie. Rude.

Julia Steele said...

Sweet baby Jesus... I don't think that's allowed. Let's sue the Chinese.

Ethan Thane said...

Sorry about the cookie, but like the new banner!

Christy said...

What a lame fortune cookie! Maybe it has the winning lotto numbers lol :)

Katerina said...

What the hell kind of fortune cookie was that?!
A Cookie of Doom?

Anonymous said...

hopefully they don't shine a blacklight in the apartment before you leave, whore.

You'll probably lose your deposit once they see how much DNA has been sprayed all over that place.

NellieVaughn said...

I can't even think of what to comment, I am laughing so hard. Take me with you to the moon.

chemgirljaime said...

I hate judgmental fortune cookies... "take a chance, you never know what might happen" ... maybe I don't want to .. maybe I have anxiety disorder and will have a panic attack... screw you fortune.

Odie Langley said...

I believe I would have to talk to Mr. Lee about where he is getting his cookies from.
Seems a great decision to move to a house. Hope it all works out for you.

Janet said...

Hate to be annoying optimistic glass half full girl, because really I do, but this sounds like an excellent fortune. Your new place will be so out of this world amazing that maybe your next place WILL be living on the moon =)

Zombie said...

Once my fortune cookie said "Eat More Chinese Food"
ಠ_ಠ

Annah said...

Katerina: I was like, Are you friggin' kidding me? This cookie guy has just run out of things to say. That or he was tripping on acid.

Nellie: Let's go! I just hope they have better fortune cookies there. Or magical mushrooms or something.

Janet: You're like a magical positive energy guru. I seriously, didn't even think about that. Housewarming on the moon.

Paige said...

i say this all the time, but seriously we are the same exact person. EXCEPT i would have ordered beef lo mein.

Anonymous said...

Here you go, hope it helps:

http://make-everything-ok.com/

acz said...

How is that a real fortune, I call bullshit, Mr. Lee. Maybe we should join Newt's moon colony in a couple years. Maybe it'll be like Alaska where they pay you to live there. Just a thought. Still another month til you move though!! Exciting stuff.

acz said...

Balls I just typed this great comment and my phone deleted it. A-hole. Something about moving to Newt's colony on the moon and yay for moving in a month!

Los said...

I miss Mr. Lee's.

Althea said...

Those are some particularly weird searches!! Fortune cookies suck...they could at least taste nice!! x

Annah said...

Paige: But Manhattan has the best Chinese!

acz: It came out!

Los: Come down already and let's Mr. Lee it up. Your treat. Ha ha

Althea: Trust me. They've been much worse (the searches). The fortune cookies, not so much.

funnyortragic said...

I think all fortunes should be like that, with only a few nice ones in the bunch. That would be more realistic. If anything, they could say things like "you have rice stuck in your teeth" and everyone would be freaked out by the accuracy.

thoughtsappear said...

I had Chinese yesterday and the cookie told "To find love, you must first love yourself."

I love myself, STUPID COOKIE!

Anonymous said...

What does that fortune mean?
Is it one of those sayings that just lost the meaning in translation?
Your fortune cookie makes my head hurt.. I better have a glass of wine. Or two .. And a nap ..
Yes. That should help.

-PolishSpring

MonsteRawr said...

Wait, that shit is real? Your fortune cookie ACTUALLY told you to go hang yourself?

Damn. And I thought the only abuse from Chinese food came an hour after consumption.

Anonymous said...

Why do you have 4 dogs? One is enough. Don't increase the population of pet dogs in this cuntree.

You should spend that money on something productive.

-Someone your papa's age

Rommel said...

next time leave the delivery man a better tip! lol jk, or make your own chinesss food