I'm In Miami, Bitch.

Pre-pre-post disclaimer: Still sick (this shit is mutastic <--- just made up that word) so today I'll write about a time when I wasn't filled with green snot and chest pains.

Pre-post disclaimer: I'm not in any way condoning drug use or saying that it's acceptable but this is Miami, guys. Shit happens.

Once upon a time many years ago, sprouted a little beach festival named Ultra upon the sandy white beaches of Miami. Thousands of teenagers forked over $25.00 for the entrance fee and a little more for their drug of choice: ecstasy. Ten years later, this little festival turned into a worldwide phenomenon we now know as Winter Music Conference. The fee is no longer $25.00, but the teenagers are still pouring in by the thousands, along with some old people that really shouldn't be there.

Old = Over Twenty-One

Some weeks before Winter Music Conference '07, a close friend got married and I reconnected with an ex-boyfriend I hadn't spoken to since high school. Said boyfriend, whose name I shan't disclose for obvious reasons, is one of the higher ups in the staff of WMC and offered tickets for me and friends should we be interested in attending. I quickly declined, thinking Who in the heck would want to go there?

Turns out my friends did, and so I was forced to return to __________ with my tail between my legs and ask for some tickets. Sometimes, we get caught up doing things we'd rather not as a result of our friends. There's a reason why it's called "taking one for the team" and that day I did just that (in more ways than one).

A Day At Ultra a.k.a. Winter Music Conference

• Olivia, Helene & Vera pick me up.
• It's only 11 a.m. and I'm already filled with dread.
• We head to South Beach for some pre-drinking before the real festivities commence.
• Every restaurant is packed with teenagers and spring breakers.
• I've never felt older.
• We choose Senor Frogs as our watering hole.
• There's a margarita the size of a small planet for $50.00.
• We order it.

• I find an upside to sitting outside.
• It's called people watching.
• Take useless stabs at the giant margarita.
• There's no alcohol in it.
• An odd looking dude with a huge afro passes by.
• He notices me staring.
• Takes a cue and steps over.

• Redfoo's an aspiring artist.
• Sky Blue's his sidekick.
• They live in L.A. and make music.
• We all exchange numbers.
• Redfoo invites us to a game of naked twister at night.
• We respectfully decline.
• They leave us a bit confused.
• But not before handing us their "mixed cd."
• We head off to WMC.
• Olivia wants a beer.
• She kisses a stranger walking past us with a cooler.
• Her reward?
• Four Coronas (lime not included).
• We park our car an hour later.
• It's $50.00.

• Helene mysteriously takes a small ziploc out of her pocket.
• We all admire her marijuana accordingly.
• A gust of wind comes and blows it away.
• We search uselessly on our hands and knees.
• The parking lot attendant offers to help.
• Ten minutes later we find our stash.
• It's some time after four.
• We arrive at WMC.
• I ask for a sober picture because I know better. 

• Olivia and I go buy drinks for the group.
• When we return, they're gone.
• We quickly gulp our $44.00 worth of Red Bull.
• No beer man in sight.
• The rain starts pouring down.
• No choice left but to dance.
• Redfoo and Sky Blue run into us.
• We shake our groove thang in the mud to music that sounds like this: boom, boom, boom, boom (no words). 

 

 

• We leave the boys for a bathroom break.
• And run into the man of the hour.

• Fourteen beers later night has descended.
• Olivia: I needs to pee.
• Me: Let's find a porta potty.
• Olivia: Who needs a porta potty when you can pee your pants?
• Me: What?
• Olivia: It's raining. No one will notice.
• Me: Good point.

• We find our friends.
• My stomach is making funny noises.
• I excuse myself to find a porta potty.
• Olivia hands me her towel and Helene an ecstasy pill.
• I'm excited about my first time so I snatch the towel and go.

• Bathroom line's insane.
• My bowels are threatening to combust.
• When I finally make it there's no time for thinking.
• I bomb the porta potty like it's my job.
• There's no toilet paper.
• Olivia's rain soaked towel saves the day.
• I head back to the dance grounds elated.
• Helene: Did you take it?
• Me: Take what?
• Helene: The pill.
• Me: The what?
• Helene: The ecstasy, dumbass.
• Me: Oh... I forgot.
• Some things aren't meant to be.
• A famous dj spins on the stage.

• We somehow manage to spark the infamous mary jane in the rain.
• I come home with the sun.
• The next day I find this:

They eventually became famous with this out of all songs:

There's hope.

Yup

Today I had a craving for ice cream not even a sumo wrestler could pry away from the angry tentacles of my brain. I drove my snot filled ass to McDonald's and endured a fifteen minute line so I could have a snack size McFlurry (those have 300 calories less and every little bit counts so don't judge me).

On my way back home I was holding my delicious frozen yogurt in one hand and Mikey on a leash and the wind was blowing and my hair was all over the place when all of the sudden a cough attack strikes and green cough juice pours up to my mouth and when I'm ready to spit it out the wind comes and smacks it on every possible surface of my right cheek.

Fuck you, flu!

p.s. You guys are so lucky this isn't a mommy blog because if not you'd be subjected to these sorts of pictures all the time.

Doesn't my puppy wubby look cutie patootie with his little teddy weddy under his booboo paw paw?

I Will Surely Regret This

I've been drinking Nyquil.

 I'm not all there.

This post will not make sense tomorrow but it's okie. It makes sense now.

Also? I will not fix typos. Typs are cool and spelling things right is overrateed. Just ask my current employer and the past ... I dunno... Five places I've worked at?

Last week a job agency called me and askeddd if I was intersted in an office management position and I said Do dogs drool for cheeseburgers? And she said, Okay! I started today and it turns out it's not a managametn position at all, but a "receptionist/assistant/housekeepers/do girl" position for a whopping $10.00 an hour. Because apparently that's all an educated girl who showers everyday and has a degree from a well known university and knows the difference between their, they're, and there and also two, too, and to deserves. Marvel at a conversation I had with my boss today while I felt like shit and drooled slightly on my desk despite my best efforts to look polished and educated (turns out this doesn't really matter if you have a va-jay-jay between yours legs).

I wanted to retaliate with this: 

But instead, I said this: 

Then I came home and overdosed on Nyquil and told my mom about my day and she said Fuck those people! And I said Mama, have you seen what the economy is like, my fattie cakes? I'm in no position to quit. And she said, Go back to school, damn it, I've told you a million times!

Mommy dearest means well and I know it, but bills must be paid and one can't keep quitting job after job. So instead I did some drawing therapi in my Nyquil induces high and I think you'll like the masterpieces I've worked on. Without further ado here they are in no particular order:

Fuck You, Stupid Lady.

Fuck You, Vapid Women & Twilight (if you're a fan love me still).

Beautiful Redhead Riding Her Pony Into The Sun

Fuck You, Dolphin.

And the cult classic: Naked Girl Blogger With Pretty Brown Eyes And Different Shaped Breasts.

I feel better now, guys (thanks for listening). I probably shouldn't have written this taking into account a newpspaper contacted me yesterday about my blog. So sorry for disappointing you.

p.s. Fuck work.
p.p.s. I will eventually go back to school for a Master's in English literature.
p.p.p.s. It'll probably take me ten years (Where are you, famosity?).

Update: I just threw up. This is what it looked like:

It Hadn't Occurred In Over A Year So Really, I Shouldn't Be Upset...

...but I am.

Give It To Me, And Don't Be Shy.

Hey guys!

So Dan and I have been breaking our heads over what to write for this month's Dannah post and thought you'd possibly be better disclosing which subjects you'd like us to cover. So... Help us out?

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