Dan + Annah = Dannah

If like me you've been disappointed in the lack of Dannah action around here lately, you can blame it on Dan, whose decision to become an adult and get a real job with real responsibilities and all the nonsense that follows has hindered his ability to poke his head into (pun not intented) my side of the world.

We will forgive him because I adore writing these posts with him. And because I really need a drinking buddy asides from Natalie when I go to New York. And duh, because his blog is also hilarious and completely inappropiate (click here and be blown away).

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The last time we did this, we talked about how to tell how if a girl likes you. This time we attempted to turn it around, only to end up shriveled in a corner panting with confusion.

And by we, I mean me.

Some girls say that they don't know whether or not guys like them. Apparently the fact that we're male and scientifically proven to want to bang the majority of you all the time isn't enough of a sign. But not all guys are dirtbags. (Lie # 1).

See... Nice guys are like Jews: They take up about 1% of the world's population. But think about it, you know some Jews, don't you? One percent appears minuscule but in reality there's a shitload of fucking Jews all around. And the same applies with us nice guys... Yeah... I wrote "us."

But if I may digress, the basic idea behind what I wrote above is that it shouldn't be so difficult for women to pick up on the signals guys send. Unfortunately it obviously is, mostly because neither of us seem to be able to grasp what the fuck is going on in each gender's collective brain.

So am I someone who can be of assistance to women in regards to how to read the male body language? Definitely not.

I mean I've hooked up with some chicks, but it's not like I get it in like that. Is that okay, Annah? I feel like you want me to write something more enlightening. What should I say, that if a guy looks you in the eyes and tries to make you laugh it means he's into you? That if he asks for your name and profession it's actually code for, "Come back to my place and give me a rockin' blowjob?" You know that already.

HOWEVER, there's something I'd like to bring to your attention:

A good wingman could completely fool a girl into thinking he likes her. For example, let's say I'm hosting a party and I'm in a situation where a girl wants my roommate but her friend is lingering and someone needs to give her attention. If no one talks to this girl, she brings her friend home with her and that's that... Wingman can't let that happen.

That's where I come in: The primary objective of the wingman is simply to distract the not-attractive friend. How did I accomplish this? I don't know... I guess I just showed genuine interest, and before I knew it I was getting a handjob on the couch. I know, I know... Who gets handjobs? That girl was rather prude. It was also a good thing no one walked into the room because my wiener was exposed.

So ladies, have you ever considered that perhaps there was a time you got wingmanned? It's not your fault if it happened. There's nothing you could've done. Sometimes a man will falsely woo for the sake of his friends, and a true wingman executes to perfection. Part of that execution is making sure the girl never finds out he wasn't very attracted to her. When I was a wingman it wasn't particularly enjoyable, but it was a necessary beast. I mean the act of being a wingman of course, not the woman I hooked up with.

In terms of tips on picking up signals and stuff like that, I feel like the more I think about it the more I don't know anything. Each specific scenario really just revolves around two things: timing and confidence. It's difficult for me to explain to women what it is that shows them I'm attracted to them. I just am, and when I see them I want to talk to them. And then hopefully bang. I tend to think girls aren't all that different.

If anything my advice is that you should probably steer clear of trusting most dudes because they just want your breasts in their mouths. Or become a lesbian. I'm not being cynical, really. Just merely realistic.

Good luck with the 1%.

On that note I will go stick my head in a bucket of gasoline and light it on fire. I thought Dan would shed light on my current existential crisis, but now see I'm left to my own devices. Which of course means I'm going to dismiss the idea the dude from work is winking at me during office meetings, but rather just has a twitch in his eye.

Or dirty contact lenses.