Not So Smart[Phone]: Part II

Making the dumb mistake of texting someone you're dating with details about another person you're seeing is utter child's play in comparison to the shenanigans my phone pulled on me the weekend before I left for Puerto Rico.

It was Saturday night and I'd walked a 5k at the asshole of dawn after a night of drinking, exhaustion consuming the very essence of my being and spirit. I'd promised my friend Janet to host a little dinner & drinks outing in honor of her belated birthday, so I knew that even if I had to crawl through the streets of downtown Miami, I'd be out and about one way or the other. I sent out a mass text to our little party of eight letting them know the plans:

Since the group was so small and I wanted Janet to feel extra special, I texted my friends Chris and Luis (who happen to live in the Brickell area) to join us if they had plans for going out that night. After hitting SEND, I took a nap and let the stars fall where they may in the already darkening sky. By midnight, we'd had our fair share of gigantic burgers and Janet blew out one candle which the waitress kindly placed strategically inside a creme brulee dish.

Somewhere in my mind it seemed right to wear brand new shoes out to a night of walking all over Brickell. Soon after I'd learn the error of my ways.

Unrelated sidenote: Brickell is a posh area in Miami near South Beach, where high rises abound and a slew of restaurants and bars and nightclubs and snobs are a dime a dozen and oh-my-God-do-I-love-it!

There I stood at half past midnight, hardly able to walk when I reached a table outside the Irish Pub. No sooner had a laid my head down on it and fallen into zombie mode that some strange man sent me a shot of tequila.

(Strange man = Creepy looking fucker with rapist glasses.)

At any rate, the night wore on and I drank like a turtle after too many marijuana brownies when my friends had had enough and we stumbled on out of there. It was four in the morning when I decided to look at my phone and realized I had a text message from Luis.

Him at 1:30 a.m.: Where's the party at?

Me at 4:03 a.m.: Hey, bubba. Sorry I missed your text. Hadn't looked at my phone all night. It's way late now, so I guess we'll hang out some other time.

Him: Where are you guys going?

Me: Home, duh. It's four in the morning. Where else can we go?

Him: My place?

Me: I'm with Lola and her husband plus a few other people. Is that ok?

Him: Fine by me. Come on over.

And so Luis sent me his address and we took our ambulatory fiesta on the road.

On the way there we lost Rapist Glasses and my girlfriend, who was just a bit tipsy and decided going home with a complete stranger was a good idea. Before they left I took down his information and a picture of his license. Rapist Glasses glared at me with an ugly scowl playing on his lips. I smiled back and mentally sent him to go fuck, which is exactly what he did with my friend two minutes later.

After a torturous fifteen minutes of walking and many phone calls back and forth, we were still lost and nowhere near Luis' place. I picked up the phone and called him, too tired to try and decipher intricate Brickell directions, I handed the phone over to Lola once he answered.

Lola: Dude! Where the hell is this place?

Him: Right past N.E. 1st avenue. Around Tobacco Road, kind of.

Lola: Did you move?

Him: Uh... Yeah, a few months ago.

Lola: Okay. So run these directions by me again?

When she hangs up the phone, she turns to me with a raised eyebrow and says, "Luis asked me to tell you he's missed you and is very excited to see you. He sounds weird. Possibly drunk."

I shrugged off her comment with a laugh and endured the rest of the walk up to my friend's highrise in silence. We've exhausted all our energies by the time we reach the elevator and hit 17 to make our way to 1721. Everyone can't stop talking about the drinks they're about to devour as I knock, when the door opens and there he stands:

So apparently... When you buy a new phone and they sync your old and new numbers together, the old ones come to the top and the new go to the orifices of hell. While I thought I was texting my lovely and sarcastic friend Luis, I was in fact, texting a man I had a fling with a while back and lost touch with all along (who coincidentally also lives in Brickell).

I simply have no words.