Deal Breaker

Have you ever seen that episode of 30 Rock when Liz Lemon (Tina Fey's character) goes on a talk show and starts yapping about the things men do that are worthy of a break-up?

In said episode, Liz has no qualms about naming these "unacceptable acts" which she calls:

The women in the audience are clapping in excitement, the men want to strangle her in her sleep. The thing about deal breakers is this: We all have them. Some of them pretty ridiculous. Others no brainers. And there's no way you won't make an enemy or two if you disclose your deal breakers publicly.

Lucky for you, I only have virtual enemies (and those don't really count because it's secretly a love/hate thing).

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I met him at a club about a year and a half ago. Nice enough guy named Alexis. So maybe he wasn't as tall as I'd wish and had receding hairlines that reached his lower back. I'm thirty pounds overweight by Miami standards and have a big nose so shit evens out.

For our first date we had dinner at a place of my choosing (per his request). Of course I picked a nice restaurant because what do I look like to you, stupid? I sent him a text stating, "Hey, Alexis. Place is in South Beach. My friends said great things. It's kind of fancy, so no sneakers!"

Five minutes later, he replies:

And yes, I knew the thought he was trying to evoke was the following:

But in my mind, it was:

Please, for the love of the Grammar Gods everywhere, speak properly. I know it's a text and certain words are admissible as far as society's concerned, but other things will close the muffin shop faster than you can say, "There really nice people." <---- Hint. There's something wrong with this sentence.

My list (including the above) is rather short, but concise and unforgiving, like myself. Here they are in no particular order:

1) Men who don't open doors for me (or any other women, regardless of how old or pretty they are). I realize this isn't the 1800's anymore and certain "gentlemanly" customs are extinct by default, but come on... I am a woman and you are a man. Do not walk through the door and let it slam on the face I spent beautifying for your viewing pleasure, you idiot.

2) Cheap guys.

It's granted that all cheapos will argue that women make as much money as men these days and therefore don't need to be pampered or spoiled. To that I say, men are just as capable as women so therefore I will not cook, clean, do your laundry, fluff your pillows and/or spray the entire house so it can smell delicious when your dumb ass walks through the door and wants a kiss and dinner on the table. A woman's worth has no price. If your parents didn't teach you that, then here I am revisiting a valuable life lesson just for you.

For those boys that are quick to jump on the bandwagon and yell, "gold digger!" Every smart girl is aware that's just a term men invented so they wouldn't have to pay. Shut up.

And ladies, stop with this "going Dutch" I'll-pay-for-my-half bullshit. I have Dutch friends who live in Dutchland (also known as The Netherlands) and they only do that with girls they don't like. You're only cheating yourselves, dolls.

3) Men who are better groomed than me and my poodle put together, especially in the eyebrow department.

4) Piggy backing on my last deal breaker, men who wear colored contacts. There are certain things men cannot get away with without surrendering their man card.

Colored contacts on me:

Colored contacts on a man:

Just don't. You've been warned.

5) Men with no respect for their mother.

6) Men who question my love of animals. Do you or do you not want to get laid? Shut up and inhale my dog's breath with a smile, if you know what's good for you.

7) Men who view sex as a marathon and me as the vehicle that will get them to the finish line. I am not a drum, you are not the Energizer bunny. My face is distorted into a scowl and the only noises coming from me are the sounds of silence. Isn't that a sign something's wrong, buddy?

8) Guys with really long nose hairs. Blegh, does this gross me out.

Back hair? No problem. Bountiful bushes growing out of your ears? Fine. But nose hair?! I couldn't think of anything more vomit inducing or distracting than that. Invest in a trimmer, gentlemen. And work on your ears while you're at it, if need be.

9) Finally... No sense of humor. Lots of girls say that what they really want is "someone to make them laugh." Guys hear this and call bullshit, but it's the truth, boys. We didn't say, "someone to make me laugh that is cheap, ugly, and checks out the waitress while I pull out my own chair." It is assumed that the guy who makes you laugh will have the qualities you already find endearing and attractive in the opposite sex. But in simple terms, laughter (and a whole lot of sex) is what glues couples together.

I once dated a guy who used to say he was "laughing on the inside" at most things I offered. Um... I'm not trying to toot my own horn or anything, but I'm a pretty funny girl. Plus I'm cute, which proliferates my funny factor to at least a million in under a minute.

Laugh, asshole.

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Think this sounds harsh? My deal breakers are tame compared to those of some men I've come across. For instance, I once had a friend tell me he didn't call a girl back because her hair smelled like coconuts. Coconuts?! The tropical fruit with the juicy insides? He had to be kidding... But he wasn't.

Here lies the future of mating, guys... Men who hate coconuts and have eyebrows that look better than my own.

It's bleak, I tell you. I mean. Have you seen my eyebrows? They're fucking fabulous.