When In Doubt, Just Lie.

Hurricane season and its inevitable rains are going to drive me to my deathbed and there isn't much I can do except pout and drink NyQuil, which is just what I did.

It's been noted that the consumption of cold medicine makes me angry and so I couldn't think of a better time to address a reader's email that's been sitting in my inbox for a couple of weeks (see below):

Hi!

I have an idea for you to address in your amazing way, plus drawings! And I'm always interested to hear how other women handle these situations anyway, so maybe it will start a helpful discussion. My issue is, how do you tell/inform/clue in a fuck buddy that he no longer does it for you? I've been getting texts from this guy for months now and I haven't been responding to any of them, and they're not aggressive or obnoxious, fortunately - just, "Hey how have you been." But there are a few problems with him - schedule, very closemouthed about possible girlfriend, but the worst is he became very sloppy about his breath, and started showing up with awful coffee breath. Why would anyone do that?

I'm sure you've had a similar scenario, and since you're back in the X-rated saddle these days, I thought I'd throw a freebie at you.

PS - he was one of those guys who had a really large weiner, so I think he thought he could let the rest of his 'toilette' slide, once I knew what was under the zipper. Hope you're having an awesome Friday night.

Hugs,
Marcia

I have to confess that last time I answered one of these letters I got knee deep in trouble but I'm feeling adventurous today so let's do the damn thing.

Dear Marcia:

I apologize in advance for disappointing you with the lack of drawings, it's almost midnight and I've been hitting the NyQuil, which makes me sleepy and weak and desperate for chocolate (all bad things, I assure you).

From my experience, there is no "right" way to inform a fuck buddy (or anyone) that you're no longer interested in dancing the horizontal mambo. Things of that nature never tend to end amicably because we are humans and as such, we have a tendency to latch on to others, regardless of how we truly feel about them deep down (this is very common in girls).

Now... If you would've asked for my opinion a few months back I would've told you to be honest, because honesty is the best policy and adults aren't supposed to lie. Now that I'm two ounces wiser, I know that whomever said that was an idiot (or a girl scout). Honesty never gets you the recognition you deserve because it usually ends up with someone's feelings being hurt.

With that said, I advise you to prevaricate freely and let the river of lies run deep. You can say to Mr. Stank Breath something along the lines of, "I have a boyfriend and the previous arrangement we had is null and void, as a result of my new circumstances. I really enjoyed the times we had and will always cherish them. Hope you understand."

He will likely drown in a cup of coffee and feel inclined to comprehend your situation, as he surely knows what it's like to be in a relationship *cough cough.* He will also warm up to your "honesty" because it doesn't reflect any negativity on his persona -bad breath, all around shadiness- and his tiny ego and big dong will remain sheltered and happy, as every man's should be.

Bottom line, dear: Sex between consenting adults is just that, sex between consenting adults. It is not a promise of forever, nor a guarantee you'll sleep with that person for an allotted amount of time or ever again. Whichever way you see fit to end things is the "best" way, and there's no reason for you or your sugar muffin to feel guilty about that. I would choose the least confrontational route because drama free's the way to be, but that's just me (that totally rhymed and not on purpose).

Just remember two things: 1) Honesty will get you nowhere but the doghouse 95% of the times and 2) If there's no intention of making a relationship out of whatever you're doing with the person, "Just sex" is a lie people tell themselves every single day in order to get laid.

That, is just the way the fornicating cookie crumbles and you'll eat it anyway because you enjoy the way it tastes going down, even if it makes you fat and miserable on the other side.

Hugs,

Annah

p.s. If the ding-a-ling was to your liking, why not just tell him to brush his fucking teeth and call it a day?