I couldn't help but notice that about six months ago, my biological clock officially started ticking. Where before a cute baby would induce feelings of indifference, now they bring panic attacks and strange lower stomach pulls and tugging of my heart strings and I seriously can't take much more of it.
I realize that in order to make babies you a) need a man and b) need to be financially stable. For the moment, I'm lacking both of these crucial factors, so I console myself by making notes on what I've dubbed "the baby scale."
Certain things tip the scale towards baby, while others just make me aware that it's probably best I don't.
-------
When my friend's baby makes a little fist while sleeping soundfully on his bassinet like this:
My biological clock erupts.
When I see a screaming child throwing a tantrum at a nice restaurant, while the parents look around sheepishly and try to calm down their little gremlin.
When I'm at the grocery store and a cute toddler smiles at me and offers me a piece of whatever they're eating.
When my friend Janet tells me, "Sometimes in the middle of giving birth, you don't know what part of your body you're pushing, so you shit yourself."
And when I marvel at how lovely it'd be to have a tiny servant to fetch me martinis and take out the garbage.
I guess babies win by default, and I really really want one, and this biological clock will not cease its ticking until I give it what it wants. For now though, I think I'm happy with what I have.
So maybe not having a baby isn't such a bad thing. But, if I change my mind anytime soon, one of you is going to have to find me some top notch sperm.
51 comments:
Every time I see a baby cooing I feel the same thing. Then it starts crying that the "fuck that shit" thought pops right back into my brain.
About seven and a half years ago I became godfather to my best friend's daughter. It's wonderful. I'd babysit her sometimes, play with her, teach her essential stuff like how to make a raspberry sound--and when she acts up she goes back to her mom. So, if you aren't already, become somebody's godparent. It's ideal!
All summer all I see are babies and they are so stickin cute. Then I start teaching again...and I remember it is ok to not have one right now. The erupting biological clock/volcano is sooo true.
Fresh Out of Gold Stars
Can I just say as a mom of two (which gives me license to say pretty much anything, +1 for babies), I will tell you the cuteness is only 2% of the time. If that. Because even once you get past the non stop crying for no reason stage, they are toddlers who cry over stupid reasons. And then you deal with bratty kids for no reason again. I mean, it's a sick cycle. THEN, you hope they grow to be self sufficient adults but I'm think Matt and I are the exception. Mostly because almost everyone else we know relies on their parents a LOT. And that makes me think my "have babies young to enjoy my life later" theory was complete shit. It's like that show Punk'd except nobody is jumping out to rescue you.
Please spare the world from your drunken demon spawn. If it helps convince you to not procreate it really hurts to push a baby from your cavernous nether regions when the baby has horns and a tail.
By the way, your "friend" (customer) in that picture making a face looks like an asshole.
Finding disease free top notch sperm should not be a problem.
However, finding $250,000 dollars to raise a kid to 18 might be, and you can't trade them in once they become teenagers.
You have been to Rio?? I knew there was a reason I thought you were awesome :) dying to read about that trip because no trip to my hometown is without chaos..lol
ps.. You can borrow my 2 anytime. They will play and break your clock. Sweet kids I have ;)
I love my daughter and she's awesome and everything but....She cried for the first three months she was alive with out any breaks. I kid you not if she was awake and not eating she was crying and let me tell you that kid has a set of lungs on her. Soooooo babies are cool but go ahead and enjoy your freedom while you have it.
I give you respect for having authority over your reproductive organs.
Honestly, there are many many people who have kids who shouldn't.
You are also correct about the biological clock thing. Post 40 isn't the greatest idea. It's possible, but less likely and greater risks of problems.
Again, people who choose not to have kids are heros in my eyes. The earth is currently near 7 billion people and rapidly climbing.
This is not a good thing (just to be clear).
Sara: This is why I adore you. Your brutal honesty.
NP Odyssey: Good point.
Ally: Of course I've been to Rio. And it's one of my favorite places in the world. I've always had this affinity for all things Portuguese/Brazilian. Don't know why. Dying to go to Lisbon. And I LOVE the language of course. Even if I'm too poor to go to my community college and take those classes. p.s. You're right, there is ALWAYS some story. There are many stories from my trip, but one in particular sticks out. Will write about it soon.
David: I completely agree. We're way too overpopulated. I'm an only child and I LOVE it.
<----Low notch sperm =P
HEy, thanks a lot, your female post had me going here http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-1246375/Why-biological-clock-ticking-women-aged-30.html
amazing, so when you're 30, you only have 12% of your egg reserves? and only 3% at age 40? Come on Annah, clock is ticking... tick tock tick tock
I keep waiting for my biological clock to start ticking, because my mom has been warning me about it forever. But I'm 30 and whatever maternal instinct I have is completely satisfied by cats. So ... maybe my clock is broken? Or the batteries are dead? I'm terrible about replacing batteries. There's a clock in my kitchen that stopped working 2.5 years ago ...
My baby is famous!! Yeay!! And so is my wonderful husband :o)
I must partially agree with smart ass Sara but I give them more than 2% cuteness... lol... I say it's 50/ 50... for each tough time or tantrum they do something super cute or say something sweet and you kind of forget about their previous behavior...
Let's work on finding you a man first... ;o)
Whenver I get that "baby" urge, I pick up my nieces and nephews and spend a few hours or a couple of night with them. And then the feeling passes and I HURL them back at my brothers and sisters! :)
Don't worry, you'll be pregnant soon. Something like 70% of the female bloggers I follow are pregnant. It's freakish.
If you REALLY aren't ready, I'd suggest no sex, because there is something fertile going around in the blogosphere. For real.
cats seem to satisfy my need to nurture as well. and i can lock them in the spare room when they piss me off, or get someone to look in on them twice a day while i'm on vacation. which is illegal to do with children.
I hope you find that awesome sperm but I have no kids and don't want any so thank god no tick tick tick for me. In fact I see kids and go thank god it's not mine. I'm 31 if that feeling was gonna go away it would have by now I would think so no stinky diapers for me :)
You know what smashes a biological clock into irretrievably small pieces? Watching a baby being born out of an impossibly small opening in a gush of goop, shit and screaming. It's not beautiful, it's not miraculous, it's horrifying and if you have any imagination at all, you will never want any part of babies ever. The hormones that accompany birth must contain large amounts of opium because I can't understand why all of us aren't only children.
And that's not even addressing the constant care, attention, feeding, cleaning, spending, and talking to they require. You will never be able to sit down and read a book with a drink or a snack - EVER AGAIN. EVER. By the time your children are old enough not to occupy 1000% of your time, you will have forgotten how to read and not recognize what books are. You will never sleep through the night again. NEVER.
You will never complete a thought again. You'll never finish a sentence again. You'll never enjoy eating at a restaurant again. And you will dress in clothes from Walmart because you'll spend all your money on your baby, and you'll also never get your body back into a non-geometric shape.
So the next time you hear that clock ticking, my dear friend, I suggest you find a hammer and smash the shit out of it.
You know what you can nurture without suffering a non-invasive, virtual frontal lobotomy? A dog. Two dogs, even. Anonymous is right, babies ARE born with tails and horns.
It's funny that whole thing with kids. There's years of getting daycare-sicknesses, poo diapers, stomach flues, fleas, sleepless nights for years, torn up bodies, potentially sucky sexlife, more conflicts in ones relationship, much more expensive daily life, A LOT more resposibilities, not being able to do whatever you want (can you imagine beind hungover with a screaming 2 year old?)
What do you get in return? The things I've collected is: The abiliity to play on playgrounds without being considered an asshole, and Love.
Wtf? Love? I already got love? So I really understand why that friggin clock is needed, it's to surpress everything you love in life and give it away to someone who will not thank you for the first 20 years of their lives. Cynic? Yes. Can I see myself having children some day? Yes. Fooled by the friggin clock? YES!! Rah.
Im old fashioned enough to think you need the man who provides the sperm around to give you a break from the nappies and to take bubs for a walk when you are exhausted. They are a lot of work but add so much wonderful to your life.
I hope you get what you want
UGH BABIES... no interest. How the fuck is your clock already ticking?! Isn't that supposed to start in your 30's? How old are you?!
Mine hasn't started and I hope it NEVER does!
Vodka leads to babies, if you're not careful.
I'll be honest, becoming a father has been the most awesome thing ever. All of that concentrated cute buys off the being peed on. Repeatedly.
But it's OK to wait until you're ready, otherwise you're paying for babysitters AND vodka.
I've been having those crazy pulls in my stomach lately any time I see a baby or small child. Ever since I was little I knew I wanted kids, and now that my boyfriend and I are reaching the six year mark - my body is like, "GET OVER WITH IT ALREADY!" But alas, money is what makes the world go round, and I want to give my child everything I got plus more. By the time I THINK I've caught up, I'll probably be 80, so maybe I shouldn't worry so much?
I can't afford these babies. If I have to go to one more baby shower I will freak out. I've been turning them down unless it's someone super close to me. The babies are everywhere!!
The ticking is a warning sign....DON'T DO IT. I'm a mom and (former) stepmom. Go get a practice baby first. And then imagine that practice baby with you every.second.of.every.day. Touche', yes??
Also, I really came to comments today to see if Anon was goona spew. And I am not disappointed. I love me a good loon! <3
I'm feeling your pain, Annah! I'm 30 years old and still trying to figure my life out but my biological clock apparently doesn't care about anything else and keeps screaming babies! I'm hoping to put a lid on it for at least 2 more years!
Boppie: Tell us how you really feel!
Ang: I'm 28. And they say the clocks start ticking in the late twenties or something. No ticking is loud enough for me to just go crazy and do it. I could hardly afford tomatoes on sale.
Mynx: Single parents are heroes. Seriously.
Kev D: Well first I would have to be having sex. But if I were ... I am VERY careful. Momma didn't raise no fool!
Danger Boy: Didn't know you were a dad ! Awwwww. I agree with waiting until the time is right. Trust me, I've seen it first hand what it can do to people when the time *isn't* right.
Ginny: I know. And the weddings TOO! wonder if people will reciprocate when I have my own? If ever.
Balanced: I love Anon. Comments are friggin' hilarious. When he doesn't comment I get sad.
Oh, and "V"... I know what happens to eggs after 30. Read an article about a year ago in TIME and I'll tell you exactly what I told my co-worker back then: "I'll take my chances."
I couldnt agree more..... when I see a roasted baby...... I think delicious! And I want one too.
Sincerely
Cannibals Everwhere
Ha-ha Steve!
I must admit, baby-back ribs are rather delicious!
I was all prepared to give you that baby until I saw the pic with the dog on your club foot. And the hairy leg leading up to it.
If you were a midget sasquatch you should really have told us earlier. Just springing that shot on us with no warning is pretty rude -even for a midget sasquatch. Do they not teach manners in the aboriginal forest where you grew up?
KIDDING!! - I know you have the best sense of humor. Great post BTW
Heck, my biological clock has started and I'm 24. But that's probably because way too many of my friends got hitched way too early and are now married/engaged. I feel like I'm seriously lagging behind with my lack of man in life status. But I do want a baby some, preferably before 30, although those scary birth stories do freak me out!
I hear ya!
Husband and I are the only couple in our social circle that seems to be lacking children.
I desperately want one, but my man said "in two more years" so that we can save up as much as possible before we are financially drained for life.
Poor people have babies all the time and we're not poor, so implant your spawn in me now!
First off, you are right. You give up a whole lot of life for a few years. However, finding a sperm donor I don't think would be a problem. Anonymous is going to volunteer!!! haha. Don't rush it sweetie. Enjoy life every day and if it happens it happens!!
My uterus indeed aches and hurts very often and then I realize that my life right now is NOT baby-ready... but trust me. I feel ya... sometimes it feel like I don't want a man, but a good sperm donor would be nice, we should compare check lists! LMAO!!!
I find that vodka and other alcoholic beverages make these urges go away, so... CHEERS!!!
Annah! I know exactly how you feel... its like one day all of a sudden BOOM! All of your friends and random people you know are having babies....
It really makes you stop and think about what your doing about it lol
Annah, babies eventually grow...and then the fun begins.
You can borrow one of mine and you'll definitely be ok with waiting just a few more years! ;)
Ah young one, have no fear of your biological clock- not yet anyway. I did not marry til I was 30. Our first child was born when I was 31, the second at 33. You have time to really make the right choice for you.
Both were born totally fine, in spite of me experimenting with hallucinogens in the late 60's. I will admit however I was relieved to see that neither of them had an extra arm coming out the top of their head or anything like that.
I literally cannot imagine my life without my kids. But I did wait until I was 36 to have my first, 40 for the second so I did have fun for a good long time first. I suggest, wait at least 5 or 6 more years.
btw - babies should sleep on their backs. Seriously, that little guy needs to sleep on his back.
For the record I was just point out that shitting happens; not that it happened to me!
Also, having a child is not about having a "baby" they're only a baby for like 2 years. Then it's about raising a man, or woman, who will be an asset to humanity. That is a lot more challenging than a little crying and some diaper changing.
Babies are the most wonderful awful things on this planet. Second most wonderful awful thing? Double Quarter Pounders at McDonald's.
I will borrow all your babies at once and then I'm sure I'll get over it super quick! lol.
And Janet, I know babies grow. But it's not called "baby fever" for nothing, missy!
I'm so glad I'm not the only one who does this. One other thing to remember - You can't drink if you're pregnant. Sad, I know.
I so appreciate your dilemma..and babies are only a dilemma when you are not screaming fuck yeah (by the way, that happens allot when you are making them).
I recently heard a not so wise person tell my girl friend that all she had to do was use her brain instead of her hormones. She would then be able to get through her "clock thing" (can you hear the room get silent right about then?).
Well, she proceeded to ask him (in public)how that strategy of brains over hormones was going for him, before and after he picked up a case of herpes?
I love my girl friends. Respect. :-)
Dean
http://leftcoastguy.com
Well then TB feel free to follow me - 70% incubation rate, I like those odds.
I just want to clarify, I endorse babies for OTHER people. But not people whose minds I want to continue to enjoy. My sister hasn't completed a sentence in 12 years.
And I'll always tell you how I _really_ feel ;)
I am more along the lines of not wanting babies for quite a while. lol.
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You can borrow Kelly whenever while I'm out of state.If you'de bother to call her,she askes about you all the time.
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