So the comment is under my last post and I'm not going to include it here because it's too long and I couldn't fit it into print screen in a way that would be legible. The following conversation was had with Britt last week, setting the wheels in motion for this post and a lot of other things so it's kind of important that I include it here.
Britt: Yoohoo.
Me: Hi, chicken dumpling.
Britt: I'm reading your blog.
Me: Yay! I was beginning to think you didn't love me anymore.
Britt: Don't get excited, hooker. What the hell is going on?
Me: What do you mean?
Britt: Dogs? Poop? Weight loss? Where the hell is the FUN?! This shit ain't right.
Me: I thought I was being funny.
Britt: You *are* funny. But that's not why I read your blog. I read your blog for the pow! factor. The spice. The craziness. And yeah, the sex. Where the fuck's that?
Me: My blog is totally popular right now, Britt bear. Can't be that bad.
Britt: Well it ain't exactly good. And I don't care how popular it is. Bring it back. The real, Joannah.
Me: Shit... It sucks, huh?
Britt: It doesn't suck. You suck. This whole long distance relationship is sucking you dry. More sex. More spice. Less poop. Less bullshit.
Me: Damn...
The truth hurts, they say, and the aforementioned definitely stung. The reality is that lately I've been consumed with work and studying for the GRE and applying to grad school. Too consumed to even write quality material or go out or even spend time with my friends the way I used to. My nights are filled with insomnia because my mind is too preoccupied with vocabulary words I'll never use in a sentence and pre-requesites to allow myself some proper rest.
The worst part of all this is I don't even want it.
Every fiber in my being is telling me this is pointless, yet I want to do what's "right." I'm scared of failing, especially in the eyes of my parents, who put a great emphasis in education and are making me sick to my stomach with this whole going back to school situation.
What if nothing ever materializes from this blog? What if no publishing house ever picks up my book? What if I waste years of my life chasing after a pointless dream? And how do we know what's right and what's wrong? I've vascillated long and hard between these thoughts and the reality is, I can't do both.
I truly can't pour my all into school and work and life and writing this blog, so I've decided not to go back for my master's at this point. I've already signed up (and paid for) two wonderful English literature classes that I will attend in the fall, but after that it's done. I can only hope God smiles upon me and directs me towards the right path. For now, that path is doing what I love.
I'm sorry that I haven't been myself lately on this blog. I really just haven't been myself period. And I appreciate the fact that some of you have pointed that out. I'll be back tomorrow night as myself and no one else.
Kind of a serious post for such a beautiful Sunday. Bruno is curled up at my feet and my other trouble makers are searching the apartment for leftover chicken wing bones from last night's party. Out of the fifty-something people that came over, one had the foresight to put away a bottle of vodka for future times.
When I opened the cabinet that stores my dog food this morning, look what I found:
28 comments:
Hang in there, chica. As duo novelists dueling our way through the publishing ring at the moment, Bryan and I feel your pain.
I'll paraphrase a Stephen King quote I read once, even if it's only mildly applicable. "Writing is a suppoort system for life, not the other way around." But that doesn't mean it it's ever a waste of time. Keep up the good fight.
To be honest I hadn't noticed, but then I'm a bit thick. I'm still digging your blog--obviously, as I'm still here. I want you to write about whatever you feel like writing about, whatever is important to you at the time. That's what *I* write about--but then I only have a ocuple followers. But my life ie extremely boring. So, I, at least, will be here, regardless. I'm sure many others will say the same. Love you, love your blog, and look forward to every post.
I feel your pain. Writing is the most rewarding/bitter sweet/draining/encouraging/amazing/depressing careers to pursue.
The highs of success are followed by incredible lows.
The outlook I adopted was that writing is a lifelong process. You can always be a better writer and the only way you will get successful is by being fucking determined and believing in yourself.
If you don't feel like going back for you masters in English lit, you should take a nonfiction creative writing class at a local community college or university. That's what I did and I matured a lot as a writer and I learned memoir writing is a completely different style than blog writing.
Whatever you do, don't give up. As a fellow writer/20sb/female/alcoholic (hehe) I am cheering for you behind my laptop screen.
People read your blog because you're funny, smart and a good writer, not because it's just about sex or partying.
Write about whatever's on your mind and people will keep reading and love it.
GIrl friend, I totally relate to you. Let's get on thing straight though. I love your blog posts about being drunk but I love your animal and weight loss ones too. As for my own blog, I think my drunken posts are the most appreciated by my readers though there haven't been may of those lately. (I'm drinking gin and tonic at 3:30 on a Sunday all by my lonesome though so I know I've still got it in me. ( Anyway, my sis and I were having this profound convo the other day about college degrees and our country today. DOES it matter if all I really want to do is write and or make another means for myself via self employment? I don't know , but as an english major and still slowly working towards it, but wondering if I really should be?
Hang in there girl. This reader isn't going anywhere!
Girlo,
You still have plenty of time to get the schooling when things have settled down for you --- I went back after 15yrs (hmmm 15 yrs, comes up alot in my life) and did Extremely well.
Find what you need now to get yourself where you want to be/or feel "settled" for awhile while everything else in your life smooths out.... Once that happens, and depending upon how you see/view things going on in your life, ALL Will be Right.
You have read enough of my stuff and know I am not the "Richest" of people but You know I AM the RICHEST for what I HAVE!
Friends in Blogging
Danny boy
Anything at Anytime
I kind of know how you feel. The pressure of doing 'what's right' in other people's eyes. I really want to pursue a writing career but i have a degree in something else. I say follow your heart, it's your life and you make it what you want it to be. Things will happen for you, i know this because i read your blog and i think it's damn awesome and someday the whole world will too!
Yes, please give me more material to lambaste you, whore.
Always go with your gut! Your parents will love you no matter what your education! I know I do!!!
Well, I found your blog when you posted about poop and then I started following you, so clearly - poop is funny. Keep writing and we'll keep reading.
Fresh Out of Gold Stars
No need to say sorry to us - you're the writer giving us a gift. As far as I'm concerned I'd be happy to just read more about:
'last night's party. Out of the fifty-something people that came over,'... Was it filled with hot prospects and/or Ketel One inspired karaoke? Inquiring minds want to know. Or you could just tell us another tale about Bruno.
Just help us keep our minds off of the swiftly approaching Monday and we'll be happy - we're easy.
But you already knew that. :)
Pedigree?? I cried a little for your dog. You and I need to have a little talk, hun...
And don't worry. Keep doing what you're doing, and mix a little pow in when there's pow to mix in. I'm down to 8-15 comments a day on my blog as well. Maybe it's summer? All I know is it's getting frustrating...
your name is joannah!!!!! and yeah im going through the weird funk in my blog too but hey if you like and people like who gives a shit yah know?
Don't do something ONLY because it's the right thing to do. I stopped heading towards a doctorate in vet med a few months before I was supposed to apply to vet school. I'm now on my way to a zoo field career, and finally feel like I'm exactly where I belong. It's so much easier to do well when you're where you belong. :]
I was reading this with bated breath, I thought (foolishly) that you were going to say you were giving up your blog. *GASP* Stop giving me near heart attacks will ya? Chica, I'm a "parent pleaser" too, and I'm much older than you. But it's still the same. No matter how old we get, we will always want to make our parentals proud. However, you have to do what makes you happy and no one else. If the school thing is not YOUR thing, don't do it. Your spirit will die a slow and miserable death. -Not that I speak from experience. You are a very talented writer with a creative mind. Use that. It's what you know. Hang in there! xoxo
I must admit what brought me to you was the blob blog and what kept me here was your off the wall sense of humour and ability to make any topic hilarious.
Only you can write this way and not sound bitchy, snotty or snide. You truly have a gift huni xx
I remember the first post of yours I read. Some adorable description of a clutzy incident and I think I immediately developed a huge blog crush.
You are an amazing writer. But not everybody can churn out a masterpiece everyday. And when you stop writing what makes you feel good and start writing what you think people want to read, then you lose something of the very thing that bought so many of us to you.
I dont care if you write about poop, or sex or falling down stairs. Love the real posts about your family, your dogs, your adventures with your neighbours.
I love the fun and happiness you bring to your writing. The photos of duck faces and your beautiful smile.
I think you just need to find the happy. But that is only my opinion. Just seems when you are happy, you write the best stories.
Love you Miss Annah. You encouraged me right from the start and I am forever thankful.
Thank you guys for the support and also for sharing your lives with me. It's always nice to know I'm not the only one who doubts herself, and her decisions. I won't quit blogging. That just won't happen meanwhile I have awesome readers, such as yourselves.
Even the lurkers (I know you're out there). *virtual hugs*
I'm a newbie here but, being old, I can only tell you to have fun. BUT, I can only hope that after you finish your two classes you feel the need to continue. That will lat you the rest of your life.
And for the record, I slogged thru a Graduate degree, got married, had Kids and now lots of Grand Kids. It is lnly after I retired that I have taken time for me.
So take the fun time now but when you are ready, finish the education you want for the rest of your life.
And here I thought all this angst would end with teenage-hood. :)
I know you will be okay.
I stumbled on your blog from a posting from Noa Gavin a few months back and I have to admit that I love your writing. I have noticed that you do seem much more down on yourself lately but I attributed it to way more stress than you usually have. Which, since I am in the same boat I can totally understand.
I think that if you are not ready for the grad school thing then you made the right decision.
Three cheers for turning down the grad school "dream" (that was never ours to begin with) and welcome to the floundering "wtf do I do with my life now that I'm not defined by pursuing higher education" phase. I'm right there with you. Congrats and courage!
I know you have heard all this a million times from several other comments but I too feel your pain. Don't be discouraged. I too tend to take the path of happiness instead of the one of practicality. It's not as if you don't know what is right and sometimes it pays to "follow your heart" or your intuition. Never lose sight of what you want. I think I have and now I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. But it will look up you are talented and obviously not stupid. This will not end you! :)
Dude, this is totally like an Afterschool Special. The Answer is never "do the thing you don't like."
This sounds all lame and crap, but I now think that making your Art (yes I DID say art) is hugely hugely important. It's sort of all you (not YOU, I mean "people in general") really have in life.
God, I sound pretentious.
I'll let myself out.
jill
Hey babes... I didn't mean to be harsh but just wanted to encourage you and remind you of how fabulous you are, and though I am currently gladly tamed in public (behind his doors it's blissful madness) ... I just want you to stay focused and live for today... We have zero control over the obstacles in our future, but as long as you can, enjoy every bit of all the wonderful things and people in your life... Right now.. Like me... Muah!
I so Sad.....
I don't know how to tell you this, but I think your dog has a drinking problem.
Glad to see you following your heart. Can't wait to see where this takes you!
At least you'e writing and that's HALF the battle :-) I'm lucky to blog once a month (sometimes less) but my manuscript is moving along nicely. Write. Follow your passion and you'll always be a success.
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