"Why do you want to lose weight so bad?" My friend Jen asked me last week during a late-night power walk. "I mean, what's your motive behind all this?"
"I don't know how to answer that," I sighed. "Honestly? No one's ever asked me that before."
"Well... What is it?" She prompted with a smile. "Is it like, health reasons? Low self-esteem? Vanity, perhaps? You look fine to me. Most women are a size 12 so I don't see what the big deal is."
In retrospect, I realize I will never be a size 2. Because I'm lazy. And I like food too much. And because I'm too attached to my boobs and posterior. But with all this knowledge under my belt, I can't comprehend that when I was healthy and looked like this:
"I don't know how to answer that," I sighed. "Honestly? No one's ever asked me that before."
"Well... What is it?" She prompted with a smile. "Is it like, health reasons? Low self-esteem? Vanity, perhaps? You look fine to me. Most women are a size 12 so I don't see what the big deal is."
Okay.
Let me begin by saying that for as long as I can remember, I've been "trying to lose weight." Even in college, when I was a curvy size 6, I stared at the mirror and my reflection never failed to scare me:
Why is it that we can't ever appreciate what we have until it's no longer ours?
-------
That night after our workout, I told Jen I'd get back to her, and although I could come up with 100 reasons why I want to lose weight, the main one makes me a little embarrassed. I admit that even to me it sounds ridiculous and I'm ashamed for humankind in confessing it, but it is what it is.
The next morning I picked up the phone and called Jen. Before she even got a chance to say hello in her groggy morning voice I blurted it out: "CLOTHES."
Jen: Huh?
Me: Clothes. *That* is the main reason for losing weight.
Jen: It's too early for this.
Me: Just listen to me. For as long as I've had breasts and you *know* that's been a damn long time, I've been super finicky about what I wear, because I'm incredibly self-conscious.
Jen: Um... I didn't know this. You practically dress me half the time.
Me: It's a fact. Remember that bikini I bought after high school graduation? The white one with the little strings?
Jen: At that boutique place on Washington Ave?
Me: That one. It fit perfectly, but instead of wearing it that summer, I put it away for a time I'd lose those five pounds and it'd be "just right." Guess what, Jen? I never lost those five pounds. Instead I gained 60, and now that fucking bikini doesn't even cover my nipples.
Jen: Well fahhhh... If you put it like that, I'm going to throw up last night's McFlurry. How depressing, dude.
Me: Not depressing. Real life. Of course I want to be fit and healthy and energetic and no longer resemble a sloth who's smoked too much marijuana and ate three slices of cake. But the *real* reason, is clothes. I love fashion more than the average human being loves that show Friends with that Jennifer Aniston lady. I just want to wear pretty things and feel good and not try to disguise a muffin top with a stupid frumpy sweater or hide fat arms with a cardigan that doesn't really go with the outfit.
Jen: God, I fucking hate cardigans.
Exactly.
So there it is. I hope you're not disappointed in me for being completely self-centered and girlier than the average female. I guess it wouldn't be a weight loss blog series if I decided to forgo honesty and just say whatever I thought people wanted me to say.
And speaking of honesty...
The next morning I picked up the phone and called Jen. Before she even got a chance to say hello in her groggy morning voice I blurted it out: "CLOTHES."
Jen: Huh?
Me: Clothes. *That* is the main reason for losing weight.
Jen: It's too early for this.
Me: Just listen to me. For as long as I've had breasts and you *know* that's been a damn long time, I've been super finicky about what I wear, because I'm incredibly self-conscious.
Jen: Um... I didn't know this. You practically dress me half the time.
Me: It's a fact. Remember that bikini I bought after high school graduation? The white one with the little strings?
Jen: At that boutique place on Washington Ave?
Me: That one. It fit perfectly, but instead of wearing it that summer, I put it away for a time I'd lose those five pounds and it'd be "just right." Guess what, Jen? I never lost those five pounds. Instead I gained 60, and now that fucking bikini doesn't even cover my nipples.
Jen: Well fahhhh... If you put it like that, I'm going to throw up last night's McFlurry. How depressing, dude.
Me: Not depressing. Real life. Of course I want to be fit and healthy and energetic and no longer resemble a sloth who's smoked too much marijuana and ate three slices of cake. But the *real* reason, is clothes. I love fashion more than the average human being loves that show Friends with that Jennifer Aniston lady. I just want to wear pretty things and feel good and not try to disguise a muffin top with a stupid frumpy sweater or hide fat arms with a cardigan that doesn't really go with the outfit.
Jen: God, I fucking hate cardigans.
Exactly.
So there it is. I hope you're not disappointed in me for being completely self-centered and girlier than the average female. I guess it wouldn't be a weight loss blog series if I decided to forgo honesty and just say whatever I thought people wanted me to say.
And speaking of honesty...
And it's not the white string bikini from that overpriced boutique in South Beach. It's not the body I imagined having at twenty-eight. It's not the way I want to look forever, but it's the here and now, and I refuse to let a little fat get in the way of a glorious holiday weekend with a man who thinks I'm sexy most of the times.
So what if all the snobs gasp in "horror" at the sight of a chubby body exposed for the world to see? It's a vast world out there, and no one is forcing anyone to look anywhere they don't want to.
Off to Dallas for some weekend fireworks, but back before you have a chance to miss me.
Have a lovely Independence Day Weekend and let it all hang out.
47 comments:
I had a whole comment in my head, full of encouragement, hope and positive vibes.
Then I saw the 2nd photo... and now all I can think about is boobs. Which really gets me back to what most of my days are like anyway.
SD
TheSimpleDude.com
That is incredibly honest.. it is the main reason i am losing weight.. to buy cute clothes..
You aren't so different..
AmberLaShell Rants
Yay for the weight loss.
But I think you were attractive before, just judging from the pictures.
What matters most is what you think though.
I want to lose weight so I have more clothing options...and NO cardigans...I can relate with that so much you have no idea. Plus I live in Phoenix so it's only good weather for cardigans and jackets like maybe 3 months out of the year. You know how many times I sat around sweating because I was wearing some sort of cover up for my arms and muffin top?? ugh too many times.
I think you are totally adorable and not fat. But sadly, I do know that the really cute of all the cute clothes don't come in a size 12. That's society's fault. The rest of us normal girls are just stuck with it.
Great post! I definitely can relate. And you look fabulous now, I don't know what you're so self concious about - just keep at it and you'll reach your goal. Clothes is definitely a huge inspiration for most people including myself. For now, work those tatas!! And let it all hang out in Dallas. You're beautiful, and no one will realize that until you do. Xoxo
You're beautiful now and once you reach your goal you'll be whatever adjectives are above that.
Great post. Very real. I can relate and I'm sure many know exactly how you feel. Clothes is an inspiration for many, including myself. And may I say, GIRLLLL work those tatas!!... just keep doing your thing, you don't look bad at all now, and when you lose the weight you want, watch out world! Thx for keeping it interesting. Have fun and let it all hang out in Dallas, you're beautiful and no one will realize it till you do so it's time to leave the self conciousness behind!
I think you are beautiful and look amazing, but I also know you will be shaking your head go yeah whatever, so eat some more, drink some more, have great wild monkey sex to counteract the calories and enjoy the holiday :)
Yay on the 17lbs lost! You look fabulous chica! Have fun in Dallas!!!
Being 32 and two kids later....I'd love to have your body! rock that bikini like you are Pam Anderson and have a wonderful weekend!
Me (whatever number is appropriate) - it's about clothes - I hate walking out of the house thinking I look all Jennifer Aniston, and then catching sight of myself and thinking, Oh shit, I look like Fat Monica! The truth might be somewhere in between, but I'm still overweight. So be proud of your hard work, and: your beautiful hair, your lovely jawline, your complexion, and bonus! your girls.
Wait wait wait. I was totally sympathetic and understanding and everything til the second picture. Fat? Chubby? Maybe it's the angle but o_O you don't look anorexic, you look alright. What is this.
Damn girl your boobs are ah-maze-ing!
Having said that I know how you feel.
I've just got down to that elusive plateau weight (you know the one just 10 pounds away from your dream weight), and I can remember looking back at photos of myself at this weight and thinking why can't i just look like that again - I swore i would appreciate it this time. But we don't. We always strive for more. Which is good in way cos hopefully that's what stops us sliding back into blobhood. Still i try to remember that every day so that i can still appreciate all the hard work i've done so far. Give yourself some credit honey. You really do look fantastic - Keep up the good work xx
Okay, you know your boobs are fantastic with a straight gal is completely distracted and loses track of what she's thinking!
I've always tried to NOT buy clothes smaller than my current size for just the reason that it's far more likely that I will gain weight. But I do have a tendency to hold on to old stuff that I've outgrown....my mother has been trying for years to get me to get rid of a certain pair of pants, and she now fears I'll never get rid of them because I fit in them again.
You look great though, seriously. Enjoy the time with your man, cause I sure wish I could be with mine this weekend!
You look great to me!!!
There's nothing wrong with having a reason like 'clothes' to lose weight, whatever makes you feel good about yourself. But remember, you're one beautiful woman! So jealous of your bustyness. I can tell you, there's always going to be something you don't really like, heck I'm thin but sometimes I feel like an ironboard when I see curvy girls like you. There's always something, so you're not alone! Have fun in Dallas!
You rock that bikini and look absolutely gorgeous.
Lose weight if it makes you feel better but not too much.
Most men like curves on thier women and plenty of clothes look better when they are filled out in the right places
Looks perfectly fine to me, Gorgeous! And the *why* doesn't matter--just that you're honest with yourself about it. I think your reason is as legitimate as anyone's. Have a great weekend--have lots of sex and tell us--or me, at least--all about it!
Hey Annah,
We are in the same boat girl. I also don't like the belly that's poking out and want to look nicer in thinner clothes & will be trying again. It is easy for me once I get started but I fall into the trap of eating when I get stressed and gain it all back and then some. That was a beautiful picture of you with the little girl on your shoulders and I personally see nothing wrong with the last amazing photo my friend. Have a great time in Dallas.
Hugs,
Odie
First off: BOOBS BOOBS BOOBS NOMNOMNOMMM
Secondly: I'm right there with you and the clothes thing, my reason for constantly wanting to lose weight is that I can wear whatever I want! My friends think I'm an idiot but it's a legitimate reason and they are all skinny fuckers so what do they know!...
Don't make me fly to Miami and slap your face. You are GORGEOUS. I'd trade for your sexy little bod in a heartbeat.
Take it from a first class womanizer. You are rocking that bikini.
I look at picture of me from yesteryear too and laugh at how I used to think I was fat then. What a dummy I was.
It seems like I'm always trying to shed a few pounds, and girl, it is most definitely for the clothes. I love shopping, I love fixing myself up and feeling and looking good. All of that would just be easier minus a few pounds.
Congrats on the progress. Enjoy your weekend. :)
Lor
go on with your bad self. haters are gonna hate regardless so flaunt what you got :) enjoy it and stop giving a shit about everyone else
I want to lost weight so that my thighs will stop touching and so I can wear a Bikini! (And sport a flat stomach I haven't had since 2001.)
But after seeing that lovely photo of you in a bikini (cute bikini by the way) I think I'm going to take a leaf out of your book and say fuck the world and buy myself a hot bikini. :D
annah, i think you're hot. awesome husband also thinks you're hot. we don't think you are at all fat.
the main thing is would YOU bang you? because it is about being comfortable with yourself. if you would be happier and more comfortable 5 pounds lighter, then do it. i know i need to lose a fuckload of weight ('fuckload' is a medical term) i'm fairly comfortable with where i am most days. so i'm cool with maintaining for now (and wearing out my wardrobe lol).
be comfortable in your own skin and be yourself. and fuck what people think of you. because you know what? you'll never be exactly what ANYONE else wants you to be. and you'll never be the biggest girl on the beach.
There is nothing sexier than a woman with some meat on her. You look amazing in that bathing suit. Hell I'd be staring at you all day if you were at my beach. You are one very pretty and very sexy young lady. Stop worrying too much. 17 pounds is incredible and you deserve a great weekend with your sweetie! See you when you get back. Hugs.
Girl I would die for some boobies like that..essh man. have fun in Dallas :) Keep up the good work mama!! Have a good holiday.
girl, PUH-LEASE. You look perfectly normal and beautiful to me. Oh, and I doubt you'll have fireworks in Dallas - too dry. Maybe go on a calorie burning binge instead? *ahem* yessss... :D
Annah you are beautiful! You have the body I am trying SO desperately to GET to! LOL
It's funny how we all have our own views of what we look like, what others look like, etc.
Congrats on the poundage loss! You are doing awesome!!
You guys are seriously the best. I know I say this all the time and I hate sounding like a broken record. Okay I'll stop.
I feel somehow accomplished despite still being a size 12. Good things come to those who wait, even if patience isn't one of my virtues. But if I've waited almost a decade to finally get my ass on track... Then I guess I can wait a little more. IT IS POURING right now outside my apartment, and flying scares the living daylights out of me. I hope it's not a bumpy ride, because those don't get anyone in the mood.
Have a great weekend!
totally get the clothes thing, and also, I'd like my body to look like yours does, exactly as it is. It would save me a whole heap of effort : )
If that's chubby then you need to move to a place where people aren't crazy. As you are you're hot. Your other picture from when you were young is hot too but right where you are you still got it!
Crap my last comment got lost I think! Look unrealistic expectations of beauty on other people's part is not your problem! The bikini pic is HOT and most girls (especially these days) would kill to look exactly like that! The younger picture is hot too but you got it all just the way you are! You wanna lose weight to makke you happy, go ahead! Just don't lose too much, curvy Latinas are way hotter!
Good for you, Girl. You've got a hot bod no matter what, though. I'm skinny, but I would definitely not have the cajones to rock a bikini like you do. You look way better than I ever could! You get serious props from me. Happy 4th to you!
I think you look beautiful just the way you are!
Don't be ashamed/embarrassed by clothes being a motivating factor either. Hello, we have to wear them everyday and who wouldn't always be striving to look fabulous?! The majority of my morning routine goes into figuring out what pants hide the most with what top. Totally normal...at least to me.
Keep it up girl!
number one i hate that ive been super busy the past couple of weeks and have missed all your post...and two i completely understand this post...its a white thing...i think im obese and im a size 5...thank you hollywood for making us all feel inadequate.
Really amazing post. I'm glad that you shared such honesty! Thank you thank you.
Dammit, I wrote a comment yesterday all about how you look fine to me and you're all hot and stuff, but, you know, with more sensitive stuff in it about how I'm not a stalker or a freakshow and how maybe you should go to Chicago and go to a beach there or maybe Minnesota or something but then it didn't post right. Anyway, go to those places and reevaluate your issue with your weight. If that's you in the bikini picture, then you have nothing to worry about. I know saying that doesn't help much but really. I went back through the post after getting to that picture trying to find the fat woman and then I was all "well, maybe she forgot to attach it...".
All I can think about is motorboats now.
You wouldn't feel so bad in Iowa.
Same boat... I am 28 years old, an ex-college wrestler who used to be absolutely ripped. Now I am more "bulky" than ripped. I wish I could have more of a combination between the two. I've got that stubborn lower belly fat going on that I never had to deal with until now.
Oh young one, you are utterly fabulous whether you're a 12 or a 6.
Still if you seek to be a 6, I totally support you in your quest. It looks like you're well on the way.
Wow...ummm...I don't know how to say this, but your boobies made me a lesbian for like 5 minutes.
And you should have seen me in a bikini on vacation this year: not pretty at all. But the bf liked it and I'm never seeing any of those people ever again, so I didn't give a shit. I was drunk half the time anyway. Lol.
You look good. Granted, you may look a little different when you're hunched over & belly scrunched, but still... rawr.
Keep going with the progress. Slow and steady is the healthiest approach.
you look fine you always have dear,but more power to you in putting forth your effort to look your best!lovely pic of you and my Kelly BTW!Hope ypu find all the things in life that make you happy sis...:)
I personally can't stand the sight of my naked body, but that didn't stop me from spending a week running around my in-laws' lake in a bikini. Sometimes you just have to say fuck it and throw it all out there. (And maybe go for a little run tomorrow. But maybe that's just me.)
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