How To Tell If She Likes You (Dannah Monthly Edition)

I realize my monthly column with Dan has been on quite the hiatus since February and I have no excuse except I'm a horrible person who's easily distracted and likes eating edamames without pants on in the kitchen much to the chagrin of my new roommate.

Nevertheless here we are, back at it again with a post about the opposite sex (does that surprise you?). You can read and follow Dan's hilarious blog right here. No seriously, go click. It's a happy and safe place there.

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For anyone that cares, sorry for the delay in our dual awesomeness. Kind of like a period, something’s wrong if our blog combo doesn’t happen on a monthly basis. Unless it’s planned, which this wasn’t. Blame Annah.

Anyway, I was sitting with my buddy Luke having a 40 the other day, and we were talking about ways we know a girl likes us. Obviously, guys are pretty fucking stupid and oblivious, so it’s tough for us to pick up on the signals. Sometimes – most of the time – there aren’t any, but we just think there are.

Editor’s Note: The 40 was followed by a can of Foster’s, followed by some wine while we saw the movie “Rio.” Yeah that’s right, two 26-year-olds got drunk and saw a G-rated movie on a Tuesday.

So I asked Luke, “How do you know when a girl likes you?” He replied, “When all the beds in the hotel are taken and she says, ‘Let’s go to the bathroom.’”

The fact that this happened to Luke isn’t a typical hookup, but yes – they went back to the hotel room and all my friends were occupying the beds, so she suggested that they bang in the lavatory. Furthermore, a girl also likes you when you’re drunken self has a moment of impotence but she still wants to get down.

“Next time, make sure your dick’s hard enough so you can f*ck me in the ass,” she so eloquently stated. Could this be love?

Moving on, I think that a girl definitely likes you when she takes the initiative. I don’t mean like “grinding on you at a club,” because tons of girls do that just because they want to dance or be a tease. Sure, some girls might do it because they want the guy, but too many times I've had women do it because they wanted attention for a song or two.

What I mean by initiative is when you’re talking to a girl, if she asks you questions about yourself. Is she maintaining eye contact and asking you more than, “So, what do you do?” If so, she’s probably into you. Granted some women – and men – aren’t smart enough to ask interesting questions, but you can see if the effort’s there.

During my conversation with Luke, my 18-year-old brother and 56-year-old father also chimed in. My brother took it a little more seriously than my dad did. For instance, my bro said that “if she laughs at everything you say, funny or not, it means she likes you.” Well said, brotha. Couldn’t agree more. It’s good to know that my bloodline has potential for profoundness.

When I asked my father he simply replied, “When your schnitzel’s in her mouth.” Thanks, dad. Glad I can come to you when I need advice. I asked him again to get a more serious answer, but my father doesn’t have a very long attention span. He replied, “Did you talk about queefing? You know it’s vaginal.”

Once again, thanks dad. Luke then said to me, “Look man, all you have to do is fuckin’ plow ‘em, and they’re gonna fuckin’ queef.” I knew this conversation was veering, and quickly. My dad tends to have this effect on life.

My father then rethought his answer and said something that kind of makes sense, even though he ended up going too far with it as usual.

If she tells you how flexible she is out of the blue – you know, like if she can put her legs behind her head.

I suppose that makes sense… I’ve definitely had women say that kind of stuff to me, but that also goes back to the “grinding in the club” thing – lots of times women are overly sexual just to be teases. So, not sure about that one. But of course my dad wasn’t convinced and went on to say, “If she says that then she gives you the pure nani-nani…know what I’m sayin? No interference, no offensive blocking.”

I’m not sure what that means, but whether or not the 40 had anything to do with it, I laughed my ass off. Let the aforementioned information further prove to you that for the most part, guys don’t know what the fuck they’re talking about. Sometimes they have something worthwhile to say, but these instances are few and far between. But that’s why ladies love us so much… They live for our moments of clarity.

And our weiners.

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After wiping the incredulous grin from my face Friday night as I stared at my phone and read the above, it was confirmed guys really have no idea how to tell if a girl likes them. I can assure you that next time around we'll talk about the men, but today, it's all about the girls.

Is it even right to share this sort of enlightment with the male species for free? I wondered to myself. What are the surefire signs us women give that say, Hey, dude. I want to make sexy time with you because you're as awesome as Irish whiskey in my morning coffee.

They do exist, guys. Trust me.

But first, the warning signs you should watch out for before you get in too deep.

SIGNS WE DON'T LIKE YOU

• If our roots are showing on our first date. And by roots, I mean the area of hair that is an inch or longer in length and we didn't bother to dye to match to the rest of our lovely locks.
• If our legs are hairier than Chubaka's ass. Unless we're French. Then maybe, we just don't believe in shaving. But most likely, we just don't like you.
• If every time you invite us out we come up with an excuse that makes absolutely no sense, such as: I have to rescue my mom's pet lion who's stuck in that mango tree I told you about on our last date even though we've never gone on a single date.
• If we answer the door looking like this:

• If we mention our ex-boyfriend more than twice during any conversation without you inquiring about him.
• If you catch us staring at the hot waiter with drool dripping down the right side of our chins as you tell us the story of how your dog died last Christmas.
• If we're on the phone, and we put you on hold for more than two minutes. Unless it's our mother on the other end. A mouth like that knows no end.
• If we get sloppy drunk every time we spend time together just to be able to stomach the thought of horizontal mambo with you.
• If in the middle of intercourse we scream your best friend's name.
• If our underwear/socks/bra have holes in them and we've been dating for less than six months.
• So much more, but you don't have all day to read this. In a nutshell, if we don't make an effort to be a lady and look as lovely as possible for you (regardless of our personal style), we just don't like you.

SIGNS WE LIKE YOU

• If we laugh at all your jokes or attempts at being funny.

• If we pay attention to what you say and then remember later. For example, if you say you like Cheerios and we buy you a box with some milk at some point sooner than later during our courtship.
• If we make eye contact more than the usual person (but not in that creepy eyes-boring-into-your-soul sort of way).
• If we play with our hair while we're around you. I know it's totally cliché, but I've noticed my friends doing this when in close proximity to their crushes and have unfortunately caught myself doing the same.
• If we take care of our general appearance more than we would on the regular.
• If we talk about our future and mention important things to you, such as what we do for a living, where we went to college, what we'd like to do with our lives, etc. The boring stuff that no man is really interested in, essentially.
• If we play nice to your friends even when we know they're complete douchenozzles worthy of a heel-kick to the face.
• If we accept to go with you the _____ball game when we'd rather be napping with our dogs shopping or having margaritas with our girlfriends.
• If we introduce you by your name to others, instead of "This is my friend," or "This is dude." <---- I've heard someone say this before.

I really could go on and on about this and will probably do so on our next Dannah post but I have to go now. My mom just called and said her pet lion needs rescuing and I'm really good at climbing mango trees on a random Tuesday night.