The other day, I went to the Blue Zombie with a large group of friends who were visiting from Boston and it was obvious they're not from Miami as one passed out in her rental car before even entering the club and the others left at one in the morning before things really started cooking.
The next day, I went to brunch with some girlfriends when I spotted a pesky mosquito bite on my right arm.
It was small, but damn it if it didn't itch like hell! I initially resisted the urge to scratch it but after a few mimosas I gave in and went at it like a dog in heat.
For the next few days I obsessed over my strange mosquito bite and its slow growth and rapid change when it dawned on me, I'd misdiagnosed myself. True to my hypochondriac nature, I scheduled an appointment with my doctor (the one that doesn't mind if I don't have insurance as long as I have cash) for the following day.
When I got there he examined my trouble spot quietly and then casually stated, "It looks like herpes."
Doctor: Not *that* kind of herpes?
Me: Um. What other kind is there?
Doctor: (Gives me a look that says, You silly little girl) We'll run some tests. It could also be some sort of spider bite.
Me: (Ohmygod Ohmygod Ohmygod) Okay.
I went home that evening deflated. And also wondering how the hell someone who isn't having sex can get herpes. On her arm out of all places.
Did I have some kinky arm sex with someone and didn't remember?
So many questions...
Four days later I got a call from my doctor stating it wasn't herpes, but that he'd still like me to return to
I did as told only to have him tell me that it was definitely a spider bite, and it should heal on its own within a few weeks.
40 comments:
"Arm sex" -bahahahahahaha! Good one!
no herpes!!! Yeay!!! At least it wasn't a poisonous spider. I must say even as small as I see the pic on my phone, its pretty gross... :oP
oh god this sounds like when i got mrsa and everyone was all like stop bitchin' its only a spider bite and they were wrong...oh so wrong.
Well, for gross out factor, I will inform you that it's possible to get herpes in your eye. So watch out for eye sex...
First off, I want to go to places that have names like Blue Zombie.
Moving on, I think the worse place to have a mosquito bite is on your finger. It is nearly impossible to itch and interferes with everyday activities.
At least it didn't affect your ability to be a giant whore
One can only resist the itching of insect bites for so long. The fact that you held out for so long is a super power of itself, love.~
Wait, let me try again. I haven't been here in a while, I can do better. Here goes...
The bad news is you're still a whore
Anonymous is a big pussy.
And no herpes IS good news but I am also curious as to what type of herpes shows up on your arm?
I know about eye herpes (simplex 1) and the common cold sore variety and of course the dreaded genital herpes.
WTF kind of herpes is ARM herpes?
And I live in Florida just north of Naples... and your right... those bostonites have no IDEA how to party South Beach.
Oh look... and I left my name.
Yvonne: Arm sex totally had me cracking up. How do you even do that?
Jeannie: I will send you the picture tomorrow. Then again, don't want you to go into premature labor from the disgust levels... So maybe not.
Paige: I don't think I've read that post. I'm intrigued.
Areyoukiddingme: No eye sex. Now ear sex... I can't make any promises. :p
Penny: I think you're right. Although I don't recall ever having one there.
Anonymous: A whore that will never sleep with you. In yo' face! Ok that was childish, but damn it you're such an easy target.
Sara: I seriously don't know much about herpes except that it's not lethal. But still... Just the word herpe is enough to freak me out! Arm herpes? I have no friggin' clue but it did NOT sound good. Boston friends were awesome, but definitely need to come to Miami more often to get in the swing of things. I also hear Boston men are hot and have decided to take a trip up there and see the veracity of said facts.
Sara: I just called a disease lethal. LMAO! I meant fatal. Good God it's time for sleep.
Lol, yeay for the no herpes part but ouch for the spider bite :( las cosas que te pasan!
I think Anon is slacking....neither comment he/she/it made were even worth getting all twisted over. *sigh* I'm disappointed Anon, very disappointed.
Practice safe sex...of all body parts. :) And this is just further proof why all spiders should die.
love the last part :)
Clearly Big Herpes has stepped up its game for the 21st century. Not content with owning the genital to genital market, it has introduced all kinds of new varieties of herpes, of which arm herpes is only one. All those promiscuous door openers, outdoor air breathers, and of course armrest users better start wearing protection, or everyone will have herpes. And I think we're all wondering if Anonymous isn't sporting some brain herpes? [That one spreads through loneliness, social awkwardness, and intolerance.]
My first thought at the title of the post was anonymous will be happy but I see s/he still has the big giant stick in their butt.
Can an arm spot be herpes? Odd, learn something new every day! I knew about how the whole cold sore on lip thing is a form of herpes, but arm herpes? Oh well, at least it wasn't that :D
And it doesn't look so creepy, try and leaf through disease brochures in the waiting room of a dermatologist, now that will scare the bejesus out of you
So glad it wasnt a nasty poisonous spider. But I would love to see what sort of super hero costume you would design. Just in case your super hero powers kick in
Honestly Annah I think this was one of the best you've done in a long time. I enjoy it very much, not that I didn't have compassion for you with the problem on your sexy arm because i did. I've had a tick to bite me and the place would stay there and itch for "MONTHS" literally. Hope yours is better by now.
Odie :)
I just don't see the point to spiders. Hate those things. But I'm glad it's not herpes--of whatever variety.
Does anyone really know how long it took for Spider-man's spidey senses to kick in? Give it time.. or, have you even tried to shoot a web out of your wrist? Maybe they hit you slowly, and one at a time? I don't know, I'm just trying to help!
Oh and congrats on not having the herp!
Maybe while you were asleep somebody dragged their junk across your arm. I'm just saying, some people are freaky.
Well, you just better hope that the spider who bit you didn't have herpes, Missy. Cuz then you'll have a spider bite AND herpes!
Bwaaaaa!
sweet arm sex lol. not that kind of herpes! lol
I fucking HATE spiders!!! Those little bastards have bit me numerous times and therefore I am insanely scared of them.
I feel for you bc I know how painful those can be. At least from your post it seems like you didn't have the poison line running up your arm like I did...lucky you.
Tea Witch: I will wrap my entire body in plastic wrap going forward everytime I go clubbing. That'd be a sight!
Alex: Thanks, babe :) *muah*
Boppie: "Promiscuous door opener" <---- Definitely me.
Jessica: Don't pay any mind to IT. Anonymous needs friends. And that's what we're here for.
Littleredhead: TRUST me. It looked TERRIBLE. Imagine cheese on a pizza all full of spaghetti sauce. And swelled up. THAT is what it looked like.
Mynx: I'll do it over the weekend!
Odie: Tick bites are the worst. I've had those too. I really *should* stop sleeping with my dogs.
J. Franklin: I seriously thought I was going to die. Then was informed most spiders don't hold enough venom to do any permanent damage.
Ang: Thank you, doll. They should make postcards that say that. LMAO. I'm on it!
MonsteRawr: I know for a *fact* I slept alone that night. So, arm sex it was! With a stranger at some nightclub bathroom. LMAO
vicki: Let's just hope that stupid spider isn't a promiscuous slut.
How does someone get herpes on their arm? Oh my god that is hilarious. The doctor was probably thinking, "What kind of creepy stuff is this lady into"?
Hope your arms is doing better.
Arm sex? You don't know? It's all the rage now. It involves stamina and some pretty impressive acrobatics. :) I'm not spiders' biggest fans, so I probably would've cried and not slept for days waiting for the little bastard to show itself.
Flea bites are the worst. I've brought them home from WORK of all places. Ugh.
Hope you get those arm herpes taken care of. Potentially from arm sex? You must party harder than Andrew WK.
So now do you leap out of bed every time your hair so much as tickles your arm in fear of a spider? I would ... ugh.
But yes, good to know your forearm wasn't somewhere it could contract herpes. That's kind of disturbing to think about :p.
what no superpowers? do you mean the comic books lied to us? it was all a lie??? NOOOOOOOOOO!
Mrs. Monologue: My doctor is gay. So not only was he amused... I'm sure he wanted to ask me what arm sex entails. He's a kinky little bastard. And fun, too!
Minita: I'm not acrobatic... In the least.
Rico: I gotta say this spider bite was worse than my flea bites. Of course 100 fleat bites win over one spider bite.
Meredith: I was scared for the first todays but then I said "fuck it". I hope I turned over and smooshed the shit out of that stupid critter. Even if it doesn't go with my whole "I love animals" mantra.
Poke: I attempted to shoot a web here at the office but nothing happened :( Except me having a massive laugh attack by myself and my office crush passing by at that same exact time. Of course.
I actually don't mind spiders. It's cockroaches that freak me out.
What kind of doctor looks at a mark and say "It looks like you've got a case of the Arm Herpes..."
I mean, really.
I'm going to tell my girlfriend the hickey on her neck looks more like neck herpes. Or that bruise where I smacked my knee on a desk is knee herpes...
You know what, my car has been a little sluggish lately. Maybe it has transmission herpes??
you are a fucking ride!I fuckin love you!!!!!You're amazing!seriously,my uncle died the other day and I been feeling shit and I read your posts and BHAM!...Good Mood!;D Keep up the good work sexii bitch ;) btw im 13 years old and you is mah nw girl crush. <3333 buh i aint lesbo :L xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
This is why I hate spiders. I had the same thing happen to me, and I thought it was a rash. Don't scratch it, though; or at least, anymore. I would have slapped your doctor or refused to pay the bill for calling it herpes, though.
Ava
spider jizz hehe..
Wait, did you go see an old Cuban doc? Because they call a ringworm "un herpes"... I got a ring worm on my arm once and that's what they said... maybe its just a bad interpretation...
and yes please spare me from going into premature labor although at this point, there's nothing I want more, lol.
Awwsumkitteh: I don't mind spiders at all. And I love lizards. Roaches? I become a shrieking nutjob with motor skill issues. I am so terrified of them.
Lost: Neck herpes. LMAO. neck sex!
My Blog: Love you back, pumpkin. Sorry about your uncle :(
Ava: I just got a mental pic of you bitch slapping your doctor. Priceless.
Lijington: These promiscuous spiders need to get it together.
Jeannie: That's exactly what he said "Un herpe!" I was like, Say wha?!!?!? Of course he is an old Cuban doctor. And he resides in Hialeah. lmao
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