Stranger Things Have Happened. But Still.

Remember when calling a bunch of your friends via "three-way" or "party-lines" was a fun source of entertainment and everyone would talk at the same time and no one knew what the conversation was about or who was speaking but it was awesome anyways because what-the-heck-do-you-have-to-do that's better when you're thirteen!?

Whatever. You're either too old or too young, then. If you're one of those people who has no idea what I'm talking about,  I promise this isn't made up. Kind of like when I have children and tell them about fax machines they'll be all "What the heck is a facsimile and what does it do?"

Why am I writing about this? No particular reason. Tangents happen and I can't help them so deal with it, guys.

The real purpose for this post is to talk about yesterday, which was the weirdest day I've had in a long time and I'm finna tell you about it because I can. (Finna = Going to) <------ This is ghetto slang and ghetto slang is fun to use so let's get jiggy with it.

No, I'm not drunk.

So yesterday I woke up after watching Mean Girls 2 with Lola's daughter and not only am I traumatized for life but it's a wonder how little girls still eat after watching that garbage. Every female character in the movie seriously weighed less than 100 pounds. That or they were just regular girls who were supposed to be "the fat friends."

Weird.

The morning started with me waking up and making eggs & bacon and Madelyn was all "Don't burn them this time!" and I replied "It was ONE time, child!" and she gave me the stink eye and drank her orange juice even though it had pulp in it after she'd said she didn't like pulp and I told her if she was in Cuba she'd be drinking water with brown sugar with a side of ketchup sandwiches and loving it.

Children these days.

Then her mom picked her up because they were going to church and I was surprised people still did that but it turns out they do so I wrote a blog post and then proceeded to clean my place while listening to my "Jack Johnson/Taylor Swift Cleaning Mix CD" because that's how I roll. It took me three hours to finish the sweeping bonanza as I kept getting distracted by re-runs of Dexter and the roses I bought ten days ago which are still alive but never opened.

Then I went to go visit my mother because Sundays are family day for me and we did a bunch of uninteresting things no one wants to hear about but if you must know we raked leaves in her backyard and drank virgin pina coladas because my mom isn't fond of liquor (she's a looney bin, that one).

Afterwards I drove back home and ran a red light unintentionally and realized there were three cop cars behind me which proceeded to follow but instead of turning on their lights and asking me for my "license and registration" they made a left into the Dunkin Donuts.

As I'm hyperventilating and thanking my lucky ninja stars while nearing my community there's a dog and it looks familiar and when I get closer I realize it's Daisy, a dog I rescued six month ago.

After posting fliers all over the neighborhood the owner finally called me and gave me her address and when I got there her daughters and everyone was crying and hugging and telling me how much of an angel I was and bla-bla-bla-save-it-for-the-judge. Then she proceeded to attempt and give me $20.00 for my rescue efforts and I declined even though my fridge was empty and told her to "Please use the money to buy the dog a collar and name tag."

Fast forward to today when I picked up Daisy looking wet and lost in the middle of the street and surprise, surprise... No tag or collar to be found.

I went to the house I'd initially dropped her off at the first time and knocked until my fake nails fell off but no one answered (people deserve to be kicked in the face sometimes).

Finally Daisy and I came home and Mikey bit her and a doggy fisting contest ensued and after screaming and scrambling to separate them I finally succeeded, then took a shower and went to sleep. Then I woke up around ten to realize amidst all the boxing commotion between the two dogs I'd left my door open the entire time and there was probably a serial killer inside my house at that exact moment just waiting to pounce on me with a butcher knife. Of course I immediately texted Ryan to tell him of my predicament when I get a text message from a blank number with no message.

No number.

No message.

Holy fuck I almost did diarrhea in my sweat pants right then and there.

I sent a mass text to Migz, Ryan, and Britt with "Oh my God I just got a blank text from a blank number. What do you think it means?"

Britt: Maybe the Egyptians are coming to mummify you because of you're new Eye of Horus tattoo.

Migz: I think that's probably Anonymous. Trying to tell you something.

Ryan: Pretty sure it's the serial killer inside your closet.

I replied to the text with "Hello?" and immediately got a "reject!" reply.

Then I asked Ryan to haul ass to my house since I was shaking in my flip flops and he came right over because he's a good friend but mostly because I promised beer. Once he arrived we went to Daisy's house and he got off and pounded on the door and a lady opened and came to the car almost crying and took her dog inside the house while simultaneously thanking me over and over and rubbing Ryan's back suspiciously.

This time she didn't offer me any money but it's okay because times are rough. Then Ryan and I decided midnight was as good a time as any to go buy chicken wings and drink beer on a Sunday and so we did and it was delicious and greasy and full of barbecue sauce.