Roxane falls in love with another soldier by the name of Christian who although winsome and charming, does not possess the ability to tie two coherent sentences at once without practicing them for a minimum of ten minutes. When Roxane confesses her love for Christian to Cyrano, he decides to help by ghostwriting love letters on Christian's behalf. I'm sure I don't need to tell you but I will do so anyway because I love spoiling things for people: Christian gets the girl and Cyrano ends in heartbreak and misery on his way to war.
Excuse me.
No one writes any letters nowadays, not even a note saying "You have cooties" on a paper napkin. And it saddens me, really, because nothing gets the panties dropping faster than the written hand, especially when it derives from the mind of someone you love/find attractive/want to have sex with.
On this note, I leave you with one of my favorite internet people ever who's been narcissistic kind enough to write the following guest post for me today: Natalie from Awkward Sex & The City. You can follow her awesome and witty blog here.
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SEXTS, people! I’m talking about sexts.
It’s so true, too. We are a generation of instant gratification, and if it can’t be said within 160 characters then quite honestly, I just don’t give a damn.
Nothing quite says, I love you like, “I just got tear-gassed to the face, when are we doing it?”
Breath-taking really… And that is a real sext, that I have received, in my real life.
And we probably boned that night too. I kind of don’t remember.
Any who!
I keep all my sexts, because whenever I’m feeling ugly/disgusting/hungry, I just read them and spray some cheese onto my finger, and then all is right in the world.
For example:
“I hope I wasn’t a disappointment.”
…he kind of was…
“Nope, just you. I love you and I wnt to bmmgh gud you.”
Boom!
He said those three magic “boning” words…bmmgh gud you.
Or my all time favorite… “What are you doing?”
…did I mention I was easy?
How does that not just make you feel all warm and fuzzy inside?
And isn’t that all a love letter was, in theory? Just some words scattered around on a piece of paper that make you feel hot/sexy/full? And talks about how awesome your boobs are?
Side note: They really are…my boobs… being awesome, that is.
I’m just assuming over here, because I’ve never received a “legitimate” love letter…for obvious reasons. I’m a little too easy for that much thought and effort. It would just be wasted energy on the man’s part, really.
Little word of advice: If you ever have sex with me, which honestly, you probably will… just sext me… or send me a penis pic… either one will suffice.
…I’m still waiting, Brett Favre.
Sadly (but not really that sad), once Taco Bell starts delivering sexting will be obsolete, then the lost art of love letters will truly be dead… because Taco Bell is the only type of sex any girl wants in their mouth.
Ever.
30 comments:
lmao good god i need to write this down and start taking notes. Taco bell and "what are you doing?", sweet. i shall now be a player amongst players lol hahaha
I had a boyfriend who wrote me love letters when he was deployed to Afghanistan. They were very sweet and romantic, but I'm not exactly a sweet and romantic kind of person. When he got back right after Christmas, I gave him his Christmas gift and told him we'd grown apart and I didn't want to see him anymore. Yeah, I'm an uber bitch. In my defense, he agreed. Last year during spring cleaning I found the letters and pitched them in the garbage.
Congratulations on finding someone who's even more of an unabashed whore than you.
You people keep trying to fill that empty void in your lives with meaningless trysts but all that does is make that empty hole where your soul should be larger.
I hope your phone has a zoom function if you want Brett Favre to send you a picture. The media said it is pretty small.
Rommel: That's right. Take notes and learn, youngin'. p.s. "What are you doing?" LMAO
Rachel: COLD!!!! But at least you were honest. I believe honesty's the best policy, especially when it comes to relationships (no joking).
Anonymous: STFU. And please go get laid.
Oilfield: Tell that to Nat, not me! I want nothing less than to see Grandpa Favre's wee wee. GROSS!
I think that this is fantastic. About 3 months ago, I started dating a boy and he has developed a habbit of sending me letters in the mail, even though we live in the same city. I think that it is cute, and you are right, I have a hard time keeping my panties above my knees.
Good post.
Epic Tales of a Professional freakshow in Heel
freakshowinheals@blogspot.com
Also, Anonymous: sextual frustration is not attractive on anyone.
So if I send a chick a pick of my penis wrapped in a tortilla shell like a burrito that's pretty much a fool proof way to get laid.
Taco Bell...I don't think we got any in Dublin...I once had some in Costa Rica,no seriously is it that good? :D
Sending penis pics seems like sending your resume. Here I am, these are my qualifications. Here are my references. Do you want a working interview?
I'm a fan of sexting, but I'm a little sad. I haven't had a 'friend with MMS benefits' in a few months. I miss the excitement of my phone buzzing, and looking at an attractive female, getting out of the shower, thinking of me.
With that said, my number is ---
My husband and I used to write eachother love notes. When we first started dating he put a poem in my lunch. It was a truly horid poem but in it he told me he loved me for the first time. I read it on a bus and started crying. I still have it.
After 13 years together we've gotten out of the habit. Maybe I should start sending him salatious texts at work.
What if you are a 24-year-old whose handwriting resembles a third grader? stupid technology forcing me to rely on typing instead of writing...
I have written them myself a long time ago but to think about actually writing a letter today doesn't even enter my mind except for the one I send to a teenager in Africa. I really like the part about taco bell.
Erin: I think that's *super* sweet Glad to know some young people still do it. Write love letters, that is.
Dani: You totally should! I bet he'd be surprised in a good way.
Lost In Idaho: I think I need one of those too. Don't tell my boyfriend. John if you're reading this, I'm joking! :) lol
Mr. O: I still say it counts. Who cares what your handwriting looks like? Or... You can always type and sign it.
Odie: Natalie has a very deep and loving relationship with Taco Bell. Kinda like me with cupcakes and filet mignon.
Love letter reminds me of highschool. Things were so much simplier back then. I must admit though that at this point I rather get a sextext than get a love letter. How things change lol. Love your Blog and YOU!!!
Love letters are a drying breed. It's a pity really. I love writing letters. I think there's no better feeling (ok i know there is! but work with me, will ya!?) than the one when you see an envelope addressed to you and inside there is a hand-written letter to you. Love or not, it totally rocks my boat!
Why is it so hard for some (i.e. Anonymous) to believe that the only void we are filling is our horny need for sex and that some of us women are just like men?....we NEED it.....and it doesn't mean we are missing or filling anything. AND...i'm pretty sure I'm the biggest whore haha.
BTW...love u Annah and am responding to ur need for love today ;-)
http://ignorepreviouscookie.blogspot.com
I am so glad I read the comments because before anonymous' words of wisdom I just thought my empty vagina hole was for trains...now I've realized it's where my soul should be!
Thanks anonymous!
I do actually write love letters every now and again. I realize that it's an exercise in futility, as I don't think my husband knows how to read, but I keep hoping that one of these days, one of my painstakingly written letters of love will touch his heart and he will finally understand how I feel about him. (And until then, a Toblerone and a blow job seems to get the message across equally well.)
I luv you do u luv me? ()Yes ()No
Have I ever said how much I love you guys and your nutty comments?
Filterless: Loving you back. And surgery went well.
SumSum and MonsteRawr: Both your comments had me snorting my coke at work.
J. Franklin: Yes ;)
Wow..you ARE a great problem solverer. Now I have to learn how to write again. Anyone got a pen?
I think Im going to tell bf to write me a love letter...he's not one of those people who shares their feelings much...or ever, as the case may be. So it would be interesting to see what he comes up with. Although, with him, I may just end up with a recipe for cornish game hens with a note saying "Dinner on Thursday?" *sigh*
All these comments and no one has made a pen is/penis joke?
This made me laugh out loud too much, but it's completely true. Thanks to the internet and Twitter, our world has been defined by a text message. Or, at least what can be said in one. We're an on the go kind of society, so who really has time to sit down and write letters?
I was just turning away when i saw the word "LOVE " in the title but as i scrolled down you strengthened the idea of hand-writing to the X. Hmm i wonder if it will work.
Job Opening: Associate Editor, per diem
Requirements: -Strong writing skills, both in fictional and nonfictional content
-Comply with publisher on all guidelines leading to obtaining the X
- Others duties as assigned
Salary: commensurate with experience, $5 per assignment .. or will edit love letters for food.
I'm an equal opportunity employer, if you're a latina or caucasian (being the background of the X) is desirable
Third parties welcome, recruiters may not contact me
=P
I actually rather like love letters (although perhaps not the poems-kind, I like romantic but manly :p) My boyfriend (who is now not so great anymore and making me wait and wait and wait for him to get out of his blue period)used to leave me little notes when I left to college/work before him, to see when I got back. They were pretty cute. He also used to send the sweetest texts. The sexts were pretty good too, although that usually resulted in him wanting me to go online and turn my webcam on :p
Oh Natalie I love her blog! Yeah it is a same that this art form of being able to express your truest feelings for someone has been lost over generations. Whenever I sit down to read my first love (Shakespeare) I always imagine what life would be like if we still talked in soliloquies and sonnets! Le sigh such is life we now have sexts pretty soon it will go back to just grunts and beatings over the head with a club. Cave man style RAWR!
Dan: Me and Nat are here to help! Now get to writing!
Ms. Co Dependent: Please tell us how it goes!
Sineris: We know where *your* mind is.
LAX car service: The time can always be made.
V: You're too much.
Little redhead: I do like romantic but manly too. No shakespeare sonnets for me. *that* would be a bit much.
Confessions: Your comment was hilarious (and probably also true). Like cavemen I love it.
Soooo On my most recent vacation
to the Land Of Fake boobs,Latin Mobsters Cocaine And Maryjane (how the media portrays it) I met this REALLY Wonderful guy who reminded me of how a real man should act in courting the preferred lady of his likes.
He treated me like the queen that I should be treated like - He surprised me with beautiful flowers which he carefully payed attention to (which i said i had liked, one day in conversation, Lily's and Roses)and a love letter written by hand in a card !! ;)
NOTE to all the ladies:
DO NOT SETTLE FOR LESS Than you deserve, there are still great men out there that will romance you how you should be :)
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