Then later...
Ryan: What're you doing?
Me: Is this a reference to that last post about sexting, 'cuz that won't work in the real world, you know...
Ryan: No... I mean, what are you doing at this moment?
Me: I'm at my parents' house with four dogs on the couch, about to pop in a movie fest that I just rented at Blockbuster.
Ryan: Ooh! Anything good?
Me: The King's Speech and some Katie Holmes fluff puff movie, but don't even think about coming over.
Ryan: Why not?
Me: Because I look and feel like shit, that's why.
Ryan: You always say that and then you don't.
Me: Trust me, I do.
Ryan: Bet you don't...
Then I sent him this.
Me: Went well, I think.
Ryan: Did it hurt? The removal process, I mean.
Me: Nope. It's sliced off with a laser so you really don't feel a thing after anesthesia.
Ryan: Wow, it must really suck getting old (he's 25).
Me: Yeah, thanks for that reminder.
Ryan: Feeling any post pain?
Me: No, sir. I'm dandy.
Ryan: Well congratulations. You're no longer a man, madam.
Me: Eh?
Ryan: Full fledged woman, I say. There's nothing growing in between your legs anymore.
Me: Yes, of course. That penis really was getting in the way of my vagina.
Ryan: I know. Too bad I can no longer say "Go screw yourself!" and mean it. Makes me sad.
And just when I was thinking Maybe it's time for new friends, he came over with Taco Bell and a vodka slushie with a note that read, "For the gaping hole where your penis used to be."
Well thank you very much, dickwad.
32 comments:
Tell me more about this vodka slushie?
I used to make adult-slushes, kind of like what sonic offered, by blending Fourloko and ice. But now I'm tempted to learn more about this slushie of yours.
And glad you finally got your thingie removed. Seriously, a fire?
I love having friends like that! Mine's named Rene. Glad you took care of the growing penis. Would make for interesting "intimate" moments conversations. ;)
lmao instant classic! at least the mole/penis has been successfully butchered! lol
MMmmmm vodka slushie.
I'm in.
Lost In Idaho: So a vodka slushie is a frozen drink like the ones they sell at 7eleven stores that come out of machines. They can be made from all sorts of places, but the key ingredient of course is vodka (especially Kettle One, Belvedere or Gray Goose). Because the overpowering taste of slushie is so delicious, you can use cheap vodka if you like. It also tastes great with rum if you're feeling tropical and stuff. My favorite are the white cherry from 7eleven vodka slushies and the Strawberry Frutistas from Taco Bell vodka slushies. I'm also partial to McDonald's strawberry banana smoothie vodka slushies. But really, you can get jiggy with it. Cheers!
Yvonne: Ya' think? Hopefully another penis doesn't grow in its place.
Rommel: I'm very happy that penis chapter of my life is behind me.
Danger Boy: Greatest invention ever. Trust.
He's forgiven.
I'm not sure you should have too many vodka slushies if you can claim both a penis and a vagina. That sounds like danger to the 10th degree.
Any friend who brings you vodka slushies is a friend worth keeping, penis mockery or not.
i love you Annah :D <3 xxxxxxxxxx
If he didn't make fun of your penis, he wouldn't really be a friend.
Also, in that picture, you really have that mean teacher look down. Every considered elementary education? ;)
Lor
What proof do we have that you are NOT a man ??
This whole blog may just be some sort of sham for someone's PHD program.
I expected a drawing of the loss of a penis. Did they not give you medication? Because I was kind of hoping the next few posts would be you doped up. Is that wrong? Because I think it would be glorious.
Heh. Glad you got it over with, Gorgeous. The surgery, I mean.
Tricia: I agree. He's my partner in crime and a keeper, indeed.
Tame One: I know, right. I would totally try to take advantage of myself after one too many.
Lorraine: Oh for goodness sake, no no no. I'd lose my sh*t with all those kids. But thanks?
Bill: I swear I'm not a man! Wait, is this your sneaky ploy to get a vagina picture up in here? I'm on to you, Bill!
Sara: All you have to do is ask, darling. I'll do a drunkie blog post soon just for you.
This sounds likes something my friends would do to me. A little abrasive and abusive wording followed by caring gestures. Can healing get any better than that?
-Ava
am i the only one missing anonymous on this post?
seriously though, annah, congrats on being penis-free. i also may have to figure out these vodka slushies. we do like buying the frozen bacardi mixers (strawberry daiquiri and pina colada) and adding not only regular rum, but flavored rums. but your way sounds less annoying, since there's no fucking blender involved.
Oh young one, I knew you were never really a man...
You have gorgeous skin, therefore you will never look like crap. It's a scientific fact that people with lovely skin never look bad. Sorry, you still look pretty in that picture.
I hope your penis wasn't the source of your power. Like Chandler and his third nipple on Friends.
All can be forgiven with a large vodka slushie. Ryan sounds like a real keeper. Between the his lovely sense of humor and penchant for gifting cocktails to friends on their sick bed, I'd definitely let him stay around for a while. Feel better soon sweetie!
i think the fact that he brought taco bell means you should bone him....just saying...also your name isnt annah?!?! girl you got me!
You're lucky.
Not about the whole mole thing, but that you can still go to a blockbuster. They are shutting down left and right around these parts.
Yep, no sign of "A" so far.
Pretty funny banter between you and Ryan though.
Also I liked the expression in the photo. To me it says, "Do not mess with me sucka!"
You have the BEST friends! I wish I could hang out with you guys! Also maybe because you might have some leftover painkillers ;)
Glad you have that mess behind you and also glad you have friends that bring you treats just at the right time. Take care of yourself girl and hurry back.
Thank you for using DICKWAD. I really want that word to come back into heavy use like in it's 90's heyday.
Good work getting the moley penis thing removed.
For the record, I was eating breakfast while reading this, not lunch, and it was a sausage, and it didn't go over so well after all the talk of laser removed penises... penis's... penii?
Whatever.
Steph: Oh Lord I think with coconut rum those slushies would taste DELICIOUS!
TB: Thanks for the skin compliment you're the best! If all the power was in the penis then I'm truly fucked. Fucked without a penis sounds impossible but that's what it shall be. Only the next post will tell.
Empress: Thanks, dear.
Nat: No boning of the Ryan. Friendships only remain so if there is no boning involved. Well, at least, not a lot of boning.
Mr. O: Isn't it sad? I love walking through Blockbuster and choosing my overpriced movies. Netflix really just isn't the same.
David: Ryan said the picture caption in his mind read "I will cut you!"
Boppie: I have no painkillers. But come on down anyway!
Odie: Thanks babe. I'm just dying to get better so I can start the gym again. Feeling like a fat sloth.
Kev: Penises I think. Sorry about the sausage breakfast situation.
can I um "borrow" Ryan for the weekend? thanks!
I'm sure it feels GREAT to have your manhood remove! Who needs that anyways? Its way much more fun to use some else's manhood anyways... lol!!!
1) I need to figure out how to make more friends that will bring me alcohol, because my current batch will not. Fuckers.
2) I would tell everyone that the scar was from being bitten by a shark. A baby shark. Still badass.
How did you like "the kings speech" Annah? I recently saw it myself and was moved to tears. (I'm hopelessly emotional that way). Are they doing a biopsy of the mole. I didn't really like the sound of it (I'm a nurse). Hope it turns out to be benign and you are rid of it forever. love Gudrun
Oh my gosh calling this hilarious doesn't even do it justice-I think why it really cracks me up is because this is the exact type of conversation my guy friend and I would have! Except I WANT to grow a penis...well, in my head I already have one, and it's far bigger than most men I know (I say most because I've unfortunately seen some big ones and I don't think mine can compare). It is bigger than average though. Just saying...
Your life entertains me! And you have friends that truly love you even if they have a strange way of showing it.
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