I Can't Keep Doing This But Today I Have An Excuse, Damn It!

I realize I can't keep phoning it in and bringing back old posts like I did just a couple of weeks ago but I'm having surgery tomorrow and I'm tired and all I really want to do is drink some coffee and watch television so please love me.

Sidenote: This is my first post ever so in a sense it's only right people actually read it.

If for any reason you're curious, tomorrow's surgery is on a third nipple I have growing on the inside of my right thigh.

***Third nipple = A tiny mole I ignored for years that suddenly engorged into a mammoth within a week and started bleeding and hurting majorly (gross, I know).

At any rate, I'm alive and hopefully will continue to be after tomorrow and my parents are going to Cuba for two weeks which leaves me in care of a total of seven dogs and five cats (not including my own). If this doesn't drive your head into a screwdriver I don't know what will.

So don't hate me for not being all here even though I am here in spirit and still hoping for famosity and loving you so much my panty liners are falling off. I leave you with my first post (it sucks, don't judge).

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Menage-A-What

Last night, after a particularly boring evening of cleaning and being a couch potato, I decided to hit the sack 'round midnight and schlepped on over to my room when the house phone rang. No way it could’ve been a damn telemarketer calling so late so I answered with a “Yeeeeeeeeees?” figuring it was the bestie, Olivia.

“What are you wearing?” whispered the voice on the other end.

“Oh Jeez not you,” I yawned, incredulous. “I’m tired and in no mood.”

“Come on, we haven’t had a go in like a month, we’re due for some action,” whined Matt, my phone sex guy. “Ten minutes, I promise.”

Matt, is a buddy from high school who unofficially became “phone sex guy” on a lonely college night when a three hour conversation inevitably led to the-you-know-what. Ever since then he’s been my go-to guy, an unspoken arrangement of sorts. He’d been in a relationship for the past year and so our friendship remained intact (sans the phone sex of course) but two months ago he became single and now we’re at it again a couple nights a week. I wasn’t really feeling the whole phone sex thing last night, but since I’m no good at letting people down I decided to just fake my way through the entire deed.

I was playing brick-breaker (I’m totally obsessed with it) on my Blackberry between exaggerated oohs and aahs when a text interrupted my game. It was my boss, saying she’d be working from home the next day and I immediately felt like a sinner (I work for a very conservative Christian church). I hit the reply button and put the phone down to focus on my best acting performance up to date.

Matt talked incessantly about the usual guy fantasy (threesomes) and I rolled my eyes and said with Yes, yes, I like that and other b.s. that came to mind to drive him to the finish line.

Disclaimer: Unless Channing Tatum and Josh Hartnett miraculously appear naked in my room at the same time, I really have no interest in threesomes; yet I came through with my acting for Matt and after much screaming and panting on my end, he was finished. I quickly said goodnight and hung up without waiting for a reply. The phone rang again and he growled “You’re impossible tonight," hanging up before I could say something back. I felt guilty for being so short and picked up my phone to text him the following message, hoping to brighten his spirits:

“Baby, you know very well that if I’d ever have a threeway you’d be my first choice. Maybe soon we can arrange the real deal. I was just too tired for the whole threesome thing tonight. Hope you understand. Kisses.”

I hit SEND and got up to brush my teeth, a devilish smile spreading across my face as I waited for the reply that would inevitably come in seconds. I was only blowing smoke up his ass in hopes of mollifying his anger just a bit, but when ten minutes passed and I’d received no reply I got worried and grabbed my phone to make sure the text had gone through.

Surely enough it had, but the person who received it was my boss, Kathleen.