Thursday

Sweet Revenge

I live in one of those small housing communities where everyone knows everyone else's business and if you don't take out your garbage people look at you dirty and you receive a general letter from the association telling you "waste-management-comes-twice-a-week-on-Tuesdays-and-Fridays-thank-you-very-much."

Sadly for me, three of the association board members live in my community and are the eyes and ears of all "questionable" behavior that takes place. Almost as depressing, I don't have loud crazy parties where people hang off my chandeliers or anything erratic on a constant basis. In fact, one of the best parts of living on my own is peace and quiet, which I cherish deeply. My neighbors are a mess, and although sometimes I feel like pulling their weave off and burning it in a small bonfire, I try to be friendly and even take out their garbage because they never do.

One evening, I was approached by the head of the association board with some "complaints" from the those who shall not be named (supposedly).

Man: Hi.

Me: Hello.

Man: Are these your dogs?

Me: Yes.

Man: We've had several complaints.

Me: About?

Man: Poopoo on the lawn. (poopoo is his word, not mine)

Me: Impossible. I always pick up the "poopoo." (waves plastic bag in his face for emphasis)

Man: Well, just wanted you to know that there's a designated area for dog walking going forward. (points at a small patch of grass in the middle of the parking lot)

Me: No problem.

Days later, I walked my dogs in the designated area but they refused to do their business there. On the way back home, Bruno chose a cozy spot on neighbor's lawn and let the brown sugar rip. At this precise moment, the jerk man with bad breath and one lazy eye approaches me and I wonder if he was hiding in the woods, waiting for this precise moment to pounce.

Man: Excuse me...

Me: May I help you? (with more than a hint of attitude)

Man: Your dog cannot poopoo there.

Me: Yes... You've said that before.

Man: So then why is he doing it?

Me: Because he's a dog. This is what dogs do.

Man: Well you need to make sure it doesn't happen again.

Me: (shakes plastic bag violently). I'm picking it up, sheesh!

Man: The poopoo cannot go there.

Me: The poopoo will go where my dog decides. Then it will be picked up by me, his owner. (scoops up poop and walks away)

That night, I complained to my friend Ryan about the recent incident and he had a brilliant idea.
"No way!" I gasped.

"Relax, idiot..." He replied. "I'll do it tomorrow super early before work. Your house is on the way."

We waited two weeks... And then:
This is war, guys.

46 comments:

Raquel's World said...

OH My I just wanted to comment first. I'm first I'm first I'm usually 1000 here so I'll be back for a worthwhile comment after I read the post.

Anything Place said...

haha nice, there always seems to be people complaining

Vinny C said...

Oh, it's so on! You know it's not a real war until crap starts getting thrown at people.

Not the Hero said...

I will never ever live in one of those communities. From what I've heard they are all like this. I was landscaping in one and we had a guy complain to the board/association that we got dirt on the road. We dumped it their on purpose then moved it to the yard we were working on, then brought in a street sweeper to clean up what we missed. Jackass was worried we'd get his Taurus dirty. God I hate those communities.

Annah said...

Not The Hero: And you know what the association fees are? $263 a month! I mean... If you're paying that much the least they can do is leave you the fuck alone. It's like you're a 5 year old kid living under the supervision of some asshole. It's terrible.

Vinny: Oh yes it is.

Kimberly Marie said...

I can't believe someone would be that stupid that they would seriously think that a dog would hear and not just hear but understand that they are only allowed to "poopoo" in one specific spot. For Christ sake...stop being a moron!

This is the reason I refuse to live ina community that is run by people that are old, crabby or have some sort of vendeta against the world!

Sylence said...

You are so my hero. I love animals but in my condo building there's not suppose to be pets. A LOT of the people here have cats. One bright and sunny morning I walk on to my patio to find a mutilated pigeon that one of my neighbors cats brought me. I happen to be the youngest owner in my building (24). Some of my neighbors actually thought I had gotten in a pillow fight(on my patio)(?!?!?). HOAs can go to hell.

Toni said...

This reminds me of the condo I had when I was married. Almost all of our neighbors were older people. Because my husband and I were so young, it's like they instantly hated us. We would do absolutely nothing wrong but they would find things to complain about. It made me miss living in an apartment building full of crackheads who at least minded their own business.

I had one neighbor who was even worse than yours is. She would come complain to us about dog poop. We explained to her over and over that we always cleaned up after our dog. (Almost every person who lived there had a dog but for some reason we just had to be the ones who weren't cleaning it up.) After a couple weeks of this, we started coming home to find dog shit on our doorstep. Not even kidding. That old bitch started picking up the random dog shit and leaving it on our doorstep. I kinda wanted to kill her. I'm definitely glad I don't live there anymore.

http://tonitigress.blogspot.com

Anonymous said...

I'm surprised you didn't just give him an STD. I'm sure you have more than enough of those to go around.

JUST ME said...

Any idiot who thinks people can control where their pets poop has obviously never had pets before. Or a human companion.

Raquel's World said...

Okay now I actually read it. Hilarious!

Tricia said...

Oh, sweet Anonymous is back.

But onto more important things, like revenge. I hear it tastes even better than chocolate pudding - with a secret ingredient.

Toni said...

I think Anonymous has way too much time on his/her hands. And should probably come up with something a little more clever.

gogiita192 said...

its liking egging a car but a little bit different lmao. that dude seriously needs to get that giant redwood stick out of his ass. should train your dog to pee on him the next time he "pounces" on you in the woods lol

Christy said...

Oh wow!! That's hilarious!!!

Rachel said...

I used to be the president of our HOA, and we weren't super strict because it (used to be) a nice family neighborhood. But the C&R clearly said no trailers. Yet tons of people had trailers, so I sent out letters about them. One guy emailed me and said his trailer looked really nice, thank you very much, but what didn't look nice were people walking their dogs through the neighborhood and letting them do their business where anyone could (gasp) see. Because apparently his trailer lovin sensibilities were offended by seeing a dog squat, for the love of god. Fyi, he was talking about me. I walk my dog twice a day every day. So OF COURSE I trained Winston to pee on his mailbox every time we walked by his house.

cynicalbuddha said...

Time to break out the monkeys!!!!!

Anonymous said...

We once had a serial "pooper" unleashing her latest feaces on people's front porches accross palm beach county. Someone reported seeing a suspicious looking car with lots of KFC buckets driving away from the crime scene.

Kev D. said...

That's awesome. I save old yogurt cups just in order to throw them at cars owned by shitty people.

Ok... I don't actually... but the much cooler Kev that exists in my mind does it all the time. Also he has great comebacks to all insults and totally yells at people in public without getting that icky nervous feeling and turning red.

Katsidhe said...

Damn, you know you have an awesome friend when they make poopoo pudding for you. ;-)

One time, my dog had done her business and I picked it up, but then my neighbor walked over and started bitching me about not cleaning up after my dog. He pointed over to a mound that someone else had apparently left from before, and that my dog could not have created even if she emptied her entire intestinal tract. I held up my bag with Kira's little tootsie roll it and said, "THIS is from my dog, so please don't give me shit about other dog's shit."

Hope you're feeling better, sweetie.~ *hugs from you sick sister-in-arms*

The Empress said...

Mr. Poopoo sounds like a major turd. Looking forward to reading updates on the shit war!

c.honna said...

Bahahahahaha

_ Ive tried telling my friend's dog where to poop before, it doesn't work,
its like telling a child NOT to do something- they will do it....

Crystal said...

Hahahahahaha, I love it!!!!

Ryan said...

HAHA awesome!!

Biohazard said...

Anon - Are you getting STDs from pudding? If so, I thing that brown stuff you are ingesting MAY not be pudding...

I hate people who freak out about dog poop and pee. If you clean up the poop, I don't give a fuck where it is.

Annah said...

Toni: Some people are just miserable. That's my conclusion to it all.

Rachel: Good job! Ha!

Kev: Hilarious. I know exactly what you mean about the bad-ass version of yourself. I have one too. Although I think that lately, it's coming out to play more often. Maybe I'm just tired of taking people's shit. Or maybe I'm just older and grumpier.

Kat: Still sick. I'm hoping this weekend solves the issue once and for all, but I'm not overly optimistic about it.

Honna: I'd love to see you walking a dog and picking up dog poop. Too funny.

Bio: I seriously wanted to slap him. He was getting on my last friggin' nerve. And he's one of these people who talks really softly but is vicious all the while. Grrrrr. He's an idiot.

J Franklin Evans said...

I used to get all sorts of shit when Atari first came to live with me. He's a big dog (90 pounds) and I've discovered that there seems to be a bias against larger dogs. He'd get blamed for all sorts of crap (literally, too--I got accused of the same thing this idiot accused you of). I got chewed out once by our security guard for not walking him in the designated area. Thing was, we were coming home from the designated area--it was on the other side of the property. I asked her how was I supposed to get home? Flap my arms and fly, taking my dog with me? Or maybe there's a tunnel? Or one of those ring transports like on Stargate? Didn't hear anything else after that, and I never saw the security guard again. And the new manager here has a dog herself. Thankfully.

HonestFairway said...

lmfao. you are my idol. whats the plan for april fools?

caterpillar said...

lol.....I'd love to know what was the reaction.

Biohazard said...

OHHH, Like a passive aggressive son of a bitch. I fucking HATE that.

Bouncin' Barb said...

You go babe. They have a tenant who doesn't live like an animal, takes out the trash, keeps it clean AND cleans up her dogs poop. And they are complaining? Have these people got lives? What a load of crap! haha. Hugs sweet lady!!

J.Day said...

OMG. Awesome. It's evil. hehe.

Chanel said...

I don't see why it matters where your dog poops as long as you clean it up. It's not like anyone knows the difference after it's gone.

And you really can't make a dog poop anywhere specific anyway. When it wants to come out, it will come out, even if it's in the middle of the sidewalk. They don't care as long as you are there to love them, feed them, and clean up the mess.

Mamma said...

Ha! Its always the fat lazy eye guy that heads up the association. I never had one in Texas and it seemed so aweful to me when I moved to Florida!

Living in them is the worst and dido on the neighbors!

Smart Ass Sara said...

Next time it should be smeared on his door handle. ;)

c.honna said...

Baby I have done so before, many times actually
and ***I MUST ADMIT*** that i almost threw up once
but now it is not so bad ...

hehehehe

Yvonne said...

Muahahahaha! Priceless!

Jessica said...

Omg that was so awesome it totally makes me want to poopoo myself. I promise to only do so in designated poopoo areas however lmao

Roxanne and Lorraine said...

The fact that this post is titled 'Sweet Revenge' and is about poop has me a little off balance. ;)

Lor

t.WeeZy said...

Holy shriveled up weenies...that is fantastical!!

Ginger said...

That was so infantile....and totally totally deserved. Thumbs up! Like If animals were that behaved wouldnt we have loo-trained them by now?

Mynx said...

doesnt he know that Bruno only poops special poopoo because he is an awesome super dog?

If you pick it up anything left is only fertiliser.
Stupid petty man.

Go get him
*sigh, one day my comment will be closer to the top of the list

Paige said...

what self respecting man says poopoo? and if your picking up said "poopoo" who gives a shit where they poop?!? jesus i hate people

Dr. Cynicism said...

"let the brown sugar rip" Thank you for giving me a new slogan for the week!!!

Charles said...

I would have just taken a dump directly on his car...

an exlax dump.

http://arealgoodblog.blogspot.com

Janet said...

No fucking way! This was awesome beyond words.