I'm In Miami, Bitch.

Pre-pre-post disclaimer: Still sick (this shit is mutastic <--- just made up that word) so today I'll write about a time when I wasn't filled with green snot and chest pains.

Pre-post disclaimer: I'm not in any way condoning drug use or saying that it's acceptable but this is Miami, guys. Shit happens.

Once upon a time many years ago, sprouted a little beach festival named Ultra upon the sandy white beaches of Miami. Thousands of teenagers forked over $25.00 for the entrance fee and a little more for their drug of choice: ecstasy. Ten years later, this little festival turned into a worldwide phenomenon we now know as Winter Music Conference. The fee is no longer $25.00, but the teenagers are still pouring in by the thousands, along with some old people that really shouldn't be there.

Old = Over Twenty-One

Some weeks before Winter Music Conference '07, a close friend got married and I reconnected with an ex-boyfriend I hadn't spoken to since high school. Said boyfriend, whose name I shan't disclose for obvious reasons, is one of the higher ups in the staff of WMC and offered tickets for me and friends should we be interested in attending. I quickly declined, thinking Who in the heck would want to go there?

Turns out my friends did, and so I was forced to return to __________ with my tail between my legs and ask for some tickets. Sometimes, we get caught up doing things we'd rather not as a result of our friends. There's a reason why it's called "taking one for the team" and that day I did just that (in more ways than one).

A Day At Ultra a.k.a. Winter Music Conference

• Olivia, Helene & Vera pick me up.
• It's only 11 a.m. and I'm already filled with dread.
• We head to South Beach for some pre-drinking before the real festivities commence.
• Every restaurant is packed with teenagers and spring breakers.
• I've never felt older.
• We choose Senor Frogs as our watering hole.
• There's a margarita the size of a small planet for $50.00.
• We order it.

• I find an upside to sitting outside.
• It's called people watching.
• Take useless stabs at the giant margarita.
• There's no alcohol in it.
• An odd looking dude with a huge afro passes by.
• He notices me staring.
• Takes a cue and steps over.

• Redfoo's an aspiring artist.
• Sky Blue's his sidekick.
• They live in L.A. and make music.
• We all exchange numbers.
• Redfoo invites us to a game of naked twister at night.
• We respectfully decline.
• They leave us a bit confused.
• But not before handing us their "mixed cd."
• We head off to WMC.
• Olivia wants a beer.
• She kisses a stranger walking past us with a cooler.
• Her reward?
• Four Coronas (lime not included).
• We park our car an hour later.
• It's $50.00.

• Helene mysteriously takes a small ziploc out of her pocket.
• We all admire her marijuana accordingly.
• A gust of wind comes and blows it away.
• We search uselessly on our hands and knees.
• The parking lot attendant offers to help.
• Ten minutes later we find our stash.
• It's some time after four.
• We arrive at WMC.
• I ask for a sober picture because I know better. 

• Olivia and I go buy drinks for the group.
• When we return, they're gone.
• We quickly gulp our $44.00 worth of Red Bull.
• No beer man in sight.
• The rain starts pouring down.
• No choice left but to dance.
• Redfoo and Sky Blue run into us.
• We shake our groove thang in the mud to music that sounds like this: boom, boom, boom, boom (no words). 

 

 

• We leave the boys for a bathroom break.
• And run into the man of the hour.

• Fourteen beers later night has descended.
• Olivia: I needs to pee.
• Me: Let's find a porta potty.
• Olivia: Who needs a porta potty when you can pee your pants?
• Me: What?
• Olivia: It's raining. No one will notice.
• Me: Good point.

• We find our friends.
• My stomach is making funny noises.
• I excuse myself to find a porta potty.
• Olivia hands me her towel and Helene an ecstasy pill.
• I'm excited about my first time so I snatch the towel and go.

• Bathroom line's insane.
• My bowels are threatening to combust.
• When I finally make it there's no time for thinking.
• I bomb the porta potty like it's my job.
• There's no toilet paper.
• Olivia's rain soaked towel saves the day.
• I head back to the dance grounds elated.
• Helene: Did you take it?
• Me: Take what?
• Helene: The pill.
• Me: The what?
• Helene: The ecstasy, dumbass.
• Me: Oh... I forgot.
• Some things aren't meant to be.
• A famous dj spins on the stage.

• We somehow manage to spark the infamous mary jane in the rain.
• I come home with the sun.
• The next day I find this:

They eventually became famous with this out of all songs:

There's hope.