Tame Weekends... They Actually Happen If You Try Hard Enough.

Did you know riding in a hot air balloon costs $250.00? Those hot air balloon people are a bunch of rapists trying to tear down my dreams of floating in the sky...

And now for a weekend recap.

Friday

• Leave work at six.
• Get ready for dinner at the oh-so-exclusive Chop House.
• Place is beautiful.
• Forget to take pictures as I'm too busy stuffing my face.
• Filet mignon. Dirty martinis. Red Wine. Mashed potatoes. Five pounds gained.
• Friend takes a picture with her camera phone and I steal it for you guys. 

• Realize why the restaurant is called Chop House. A $400.00 bill for dinner surely reminds me of death and being chopped to bits.
• One of the few occasions in which it's good to be a girl.
• End up at Blue Martini (good God I hate that place) for some dancing.
• Run into my friend Cork Penis there.
• He's with five girls and I swear one of them is a transvestite.
• Call it a night early 'round three and off to sleep.

Saturday

• Britt and Didier show up at noon.
• They bring Colombian food with them.
• Among the delicious fare is something I'd never tried before called "Maizitas." Didier pronounces it Machitas, which means little female pig in Spanish. This is exactly how I feel after eating this plate of corn, cheese, chicken, shredded chips and pineapple sauce. 

 

• Head to Knaus Berry Farm to pick strawberries and eat fresh baked goods.
• Sounds pretty gay to me but I've resolved to "try new things" so off we go.
• On the way down south, I mention the word blumpkin.

Britt: What's a blumpkin?

Me: The act of getting a blowjob while you're taking a poop.

Everyone in the car: Ewwwwwwwwwwwww.

Me: I didn't say it was something I'd partake in. It's just hilarious.

Few minutes of silence...

Didier: I think I could get a blumpkin.

Britt: (shoots him a death look). I'm all for trying new things but don't push your luck, buddy.

• Fun fact: Knaus Berry Farm is run by the Amish.
• Fun fact part ii: Britt lied to me. It is not run by the Amish. My friend Migz says they're "German Baptist" (whatever that means).
• Arrive to be greeted by this lovely line of people.

• Twenty minutes later and we're armed with milkshakes, ice cream, and the "best cinnamon buns" in South Florida.
• Totally worth the hype.
• Fun fact: It didn't cost $400.00 

• Fields for picking are in the back.
• Britt runs along like Little Red Riding Hood for her picking materials.
• I envision a little picnic basket but instead she's handed a hideous white paint bucket (way to burst my strawberry picking bubble, Amish people).
• Tomato fields are on the left.

Strawberry fields on the right.

• Britt runs along and looks happier than a dog who stole a hamburger.
• Ryan and I become easily distracted by our surroundings and then sit down in the middle of the fields to make fun of everyone. 

• Everyone seems overjoyed except this one girl who looks like her life depends upon picking all the strawberries.
• "I bet the people who work in the fields picking all this shit don't find this as amusing," says Didier.
• Britt seems amused for the entire party.

• Finally head home.
• Snap this picture of Ryan looking like the cat who got the cream with the infamous buns.

• Rent The Social Network and The Girl Who Played With Fire.
• Manage to watch them both without falling asleep.
• I give them two thumbs up.
• Sleep for twelve hours and then up for family day.

Sunday

• Open the door to guest bedroom to walk Marble Cake (the rescue that is *still* with me and hasn't found a home).
• Greeted by this fabulous disaster.

• Resist the urge to kill him.
• Head on to family day.
• Eat ox tail for the second time this year (I think my father's obsessed or lost his Sunday menu notebook).
• Go home and write this post.
• I'm very sleepy now.
• Maybe I'm getting old.