Single. Naked. And Rarely Alone.

After Sofia moved out and that whole fortune cookie break-in incident took place and I was forced to change the locks, I decided only three special people in my life would be receiving keys to my apartment.

I came upon this conclusion in part because I trust these people. Mostly though, I wanted to ensure someone would be able to enter my apartment if ever I die of alcohol vodka poisoning and one of the key holders remembers that Hey, I haven't heard from Annah in over a month, wonder if she's alright...

It's public knowledge in my circle that my place is the watering hole for hungry livers prior to heading out anywhere and the night of my birthday celebration was no different. Sometimes I buy booze, sometimes other people buy it, but seldom is my bar empty.

My phone rang around seven and Britt's energy could be felt through the wire.

Britt: You almost ready?

Me: Um, no. It's like seven o'clock. Going to jump in the shower and blowdry my hair and then do my makeup and apply the false eyelashes and after all that is done I'll get dressed.

Britt: Okay. So then I'll give myself like an hour or so before we start heading over there.

Me: Sounds good to me!

Britt: I'm so excited for you to meet James. Oh my God, Annah you're going to love him.

Me: Super excited too. See you in two hours.

With that I hung up and gifted myself the luxury of a long shower, proceeding to quickly dry my hair after. I have a tendency to listen to music while I do my makeup but my ipod speakers were in the kitchen so I decided 'twas a good time to fetch myself a vodka tonic and ipod speakers in the process.

But I was not alone.

A man was sitting on my couch looking as frightened and surprised as I felt, standing there topless with a pink thong and too stunned to cover myself.

I quickly decided he was a serial killer and the inevitable was coming (at least that was my initial thought since my brain thinks all men are serial killers until they prove otherwise).

 

And this is when I snapped out of my momentary frozen trance and dashed back into my room screaming like a drunken hyena threatening to call the cops. Moments later Britt's laughter could be heard on the other side of my room door and in between breaths she explained the guy on the couch was James. Fear quickly turned to mortification and I asked her for a vodka tonic (three shots of vodka, splash of tonic). It took a lot of coaxing on Britt's part to get me to come out but soon after I realized James was a nice guy (and not a serial killer) so I relaxed and prepared to enjoy a great birthday.

Birthday dinner came and went. Shots were had and cake was eaten. Candles were blown and martinis inhaled. People were happy and I was wasted by the time John called at midnight to wish me a happy birthday. The best friend flew down from New York to celebrate with me and was later joined by a date with questionable sexual preferences.

Me: Um. Olivie... Is your date, like, gay?

Olivia: (laughs) Shut up. You think everyone's gay.

Me: No, I don't. Seriously he's making my gaydar go haywire. Let's ask Marcus. (turns to my gaystie and soon to be roommate). Do you think Olivia's date is gay?

Marcus: You think everyone's gay. Shut up.

Me: I'm sticking to my guns on this one, guys. But fine.

An hour later we were at Transit Lounge dancing and having a great time when Marcus approached me and whispered in my ear, "You were right." I smugly accepted my victory but said nothing to Olivia in fear of bursting her cloud. Besides, gay or not he was cute and buying her drinks and we were having a great time and a little glittler and love of anal sex just isn't enough reason to ruin anyone's evening.

It was party time. And party we did, 'til five in the morning.

 

 

I remember Olivia's date walking us to our car before finding his own. I remember the clicking of heels on pavement as we tried to decipher who was fit to drive. I remember the taste of an egg and sausage muffin and bread crumbs on my sequin dress. I remember saying goodbye to my friends as I stumbled into my apartment and quickly took off everything except my bra and tights. Later... I remember a violent thirst gripping me and urgent need for water.

I hopped out of bed and walked out of my room, mildly surprised to find Olivia cuddled on the couch with Marcus and thinking, Jesus Christ it's so cold Marcus is hugging a girl for warmth.

When I opened the door and began my tip-toe trek to the kitchen, I saw Marcus open his eyes and stare at me oddly.

I knew I'd made him uncomfortable and intended to apologize for walking out with barely nothing on but at the moment, all I needed was water and my bed again. I quickly uttered what sounded like a good morning and went on my merry way to the fridge, blue eye shadow still on my face and poodle hair all over my head.

On my way back Marcus was still lying there wide-eyed, clutching Olivia for dear life and saying nothing. 

I resolved to call him in the morning and sort it all out. In the meantime, I stared at his horror-stricken face one last time and went back in my room for a ten hour sleep-fest. 

When I awoke much later, the only people left in my place were Britt, James, and Olivia. I had the foresight to come out of my room dressed and with my hair done, they had the foresight to leave me three slices of the pizza they'd ordered earlier.

Olivia: Happy Birthday!

Me: Ugh, my head is killing me.

Olivia: Eat pizza and drink a beer, it'll make you feel better.

Me: I'm going for it.

Britt: How'd you sleep?

Me: I slept well. Woke up around six to get some water and was super embarrassed because Olivia was on the couch with Marcus and I came out wearing nothing but my bra and the tights from last night. It was really funny because the tights were all the way up to my boobs and I must've looked like a crazy person. But Marcus didn't even say anything when I said good morning. (I shrugged my shoulders and took a bite of the cold pizza)

Olivia: Who?

Me: Marcus! You were sleeping with him on the couch and when I came to get water and said good morning, he just looked at me. I think I made him uncomfortable.

Olivia: I'm sure you did, sweetie, but that wasn't Marcus.

Me: What do you *mean* that wasn't Marcus?

Olivia: Nope. Marcus went home early. The dude on the couch was my date.