Dannah Monthly: Yup, We've Missed You Too.

Dan* and I were busy getting down (not on each other) in our respective hometowns of New York and Miami last month but we're back with a vengeance and ready to unleash the icky-sticky fury upon you.

Disclaimer: If you're new around here, beware of the content of this post (you've been warned).

BUTT PLAY?

Contrary to what my suburb friends believe, a finger up the butt or a salad-toss – by a woman – does not make a dude a turd burglar… I mean gay. I have never had a finger in my ass nor will I ever: Pinky in the poopie is not my style. I have not ruled out a licky-licky in my life, but I haven’t done it yet. Truth is I fart a lot – don’t really wanna expose a female to that.

Dan Note: I’ll go fart-for-fart with anyone – anytime, anywhere.

So yeah, I grew up in the suburbs… That shit doesn’t fly where we come from. If I even mentioned something like this to those guys they’d rip me a new asshole (no pun intended). However, I’ve spoken with numerous straight men about the tongue in the loophole, and I’ve heard the following:

"It was fucking amazing."

"I had to make her stop because I felt like a fag…I was about to bust from that shit."

Look fellas, it’s gotta feel good… It’s science. That area is a stimulant for men whether or not we want to admit it. I’m confident enough in my vagina-wanting ways to tell you that I’d like it, but that doesn’t mean I’d ever do it. I feel like if a girl tried doing this to me my b-hole would clamp her tongue and rip it out.

It wasn't up until recently that the whole butt thing came into play in my neck of the woods. Let me rephrase that, the whole butt thing as it pertains to a man (because let's face it, what guy isn't going to at least try to go down the dirt road with his girl if he so much thinks he has a shot). As much as it shames me, I'm one of those people who initially thought if the guy wanted a finger or tongue action up the ol' bunhole he was decidedly batting for the other team, or thinking of crossing over sooner than later.

I think this is one of those rare occasions where Dan and I are in sync. I will state with conviction it does not mean the guy's dreaming of Ricky Martin at night if he asks his beloved for a little tongue-in-cheeks. For the sake of my already crumbling reputation of a madwoman I won't get into specifics but ladies, if you're not put off by this sort of thing I strongly suggest you at least give it a try. You might just surprise yourself (and your guy as well).

If he rewards you with a shitty rendition of Livin' La Vida Loca while you're back there, you may have to worry. If he brings out a strap-on and hands it to you, just run.

FACIALS

A lot of women wonder why guys love giving them facials so much. No, I don’t mean take them to a spa and put a green mask on them with cucumbers over her eyes – I mean take them to my weiner spa and put a white mask on them with balls over her eyes.

It’s really one of the hottest things in the world. Surprisingly enough – though I’ve had my share of busting on chicks – I had never given a true facial until a couple months ago. Maybe it’s a sense of dominance, or maybe it’s just a hot chick with her mouth open as you douse her face while she intimately licks it up. Holy shit I just got a boner… I’m really not kidding. I’m at work right now I need to stop. We’re moving on Annah.

How do I even follow that one up? I'm assuming as far as facials are concerned it's a matter of what role you're interested in playing once you're behind closed doors (and don't you dare try to pretend you're the same person in the bedroom as in the real world because that's a damn lie). That loud fraternity guy who claims he's slept with 357 chicks is the same one who'll cry for his mommy once he's done copulating, just as that nerd in the IT department will tie you up and stuff an apple in your mouth when no one's around and it's game time. What I mean to say is, you'll never know precisely if someone is into facials (giving or receiving) unless you ask.

Bearing the aforementioned, you won't know if you like it unless you try it. If you have a tendency to enjoy being dominated, then it's likely facials will top your sexual cake like buttercream frosting on a Sunday afternoon. And it's not the physical act of having a sticky mask on your face that will make this so down-right delicious, but the mental aspect. I say go for it if you're into it and the person who's giving/receiving is someone you trust, or at least respect. Just give a girl a warning if you're going to go down that path, gentlemen, because that white mask will ruin a perfectly good moment if it gets in your eyes. A little consideration goes a long way, boys. Trust.

DISTRACTIONS

For guys sometimes we need to distract ourselves in order not to orgasm too quickly. It’s extremely difficult and though I consider myself mentally strong, most of the time I can’t distract myself once I feel like the wave is coming. Some guys think about baseball; some think about fat, hairy dudes; some just try to think about whatever else is going on in their life. For me, what works best is when I just zone in on the task at hand – I focus entirely on making sure she’s feeling all the pleasure. And that only works on occasion.

I’ve actually honed a skill that is incredibly beneficial in the bedroom, but takes much practice. When I feel like I have to bust – and it’s way too early to end the sex session – I stop for a minute and hold it in. Once this is accomplished, it’s like starting all over again. Girls love it, but this is NOT EASY. I can’t stress that enough.

The reason why it’s so difficult is because it feels so good that you just wanna let it all out. In addition, it’s really tough to keep it all in there… Think of it as like trying to hold in a shit when you know it’s coming. (Thanks for the visual, Dan).

Another huge problem that can arise is that if even a little semen squirts out, your boner’s gone. Obviously bone-time is over if there’s no bone, you know? But it also depends on your dick size. For someone like me – a lucky weiner-packin som’ bitch – I can have a semi and the girl still feels it, so I can work my way back to normalcy.

There are also other factors such as prophylactics. If you’re wearing a condom this is much more difficult to do, because if you lose a boner slightly with a condom on, it’s not coming back. If this is something you wanna try, fellas, my advice is to practice through masturbation. Also, if you’re with a new chick, don’t feel bad about telling her to stop for a moment while you hold in your load… She’ll be thankful in the end.

I couldn't even begin to try and decipher the intricacies of the male mind/boner/orgasm if I tried but one thing is certain, the mind is a powerful thing (so corny, I know). I'm sure mastering the skill of self-control takes time and loads of patience, kind of like learning karate or holding your breath underwater. (Hehe... loads of patience). Yet there's nothing more annoying than not knowing what's going on with your partner if all of the sudden he stops and looks blue in the face all the while doing breathing exercises worthy of a skilled yoga master.

I'd rather a man tell me, "I'm sorry but it's been a long time and I think I'm going to bust" or "You should've never slapped me like that while I'm handcuffed, now I'm going to orgasm" than have him go soft because he's so enthralled in trying to keep it going that he forgets I'm even there. I could be wrong, boys, but if she's doing the deed with you then to some measure she must like/respect/despise you so there's no shame in a touch of communication. It's safe to say she'd much rather know you think she's sexy and bringing you over the brink, than think there's something wrong and you're thinking of your ex-girlfriend or worse off, getting your salad tossed by Ricky Martin.

***Dan *obliterates* all with his killer mastery of the English language in his awesome blog, "Head Of The Danaconda." You can follow him by clicking here.