Make It Stop!

I'm so over the holidays and fake Christmas cheer and merry smiles and apple cider I'm about to run some people over with my Toyota. Mostly, I'm over this ridiculous weather that's struck Miami like a fat girl in daisy dukes trying to ride a mechanical bull. My apartment has no heater, so sitting at my dining table to blog is like lying naked on top of an iceblock and having eskimos pour buckets of water over my body.

John is here for the New Year's and he's chirpy and energetic and thinks waking up before noon is normal and going to places like book stores and museums is exciting and invigorating and we should do it because we're young and full of life!!!!!!!!

I'll be back as soon as my fingers thaw over and I find a place to bury him. This may be after New Years (dependent upon weather conditions and backyard space at my mom's house).

Happy New Year!

Feliz Ano Nuevo!

Felice Anno Nuovo!

Bonne Année!

С Новым Годом!

Feliz Ano Novo!

שנה טובה!

Kids... They'll Wear Your Ass Down.

It seems that like most things, the novelty of owning a pet wears off once you have more than one. People have a tendency to act over the top when they experience something for the very first time. Ever notice how mothers handle their first child? As if they're made out of porcelain encased in glass and covered with cotton balls.

This same mommy will barely notice her second child hanging by her nipples as she juggles twenty errands years later.

My friend's aunt used to tell me that when she had her first child she'd go crazy following her every move, convinced her kid would drown if she looked away for a second or burn herself with the stove even if she was ten yards from it.

But by the time she had babies two and three, her patience (and energy) started wearing thin, and she left the life lessons up to fate and the gods. After all, who knew better than the gods?

 

I didn't know this back then but, apparently this doesn't only apply to human babies. My darling Beba couldn't be a better pet if God himself descended from the heavens and paid her in milk bones. Yet like everything, she wasn't perfect.

Beba never understood the concept of potty training (and still doesn't).

Everytime she'd drop a doodie I'd go through an elaborate process for picking it up and flushing it down the toilet.

Once Bruno came in the picture many years later, I decided maybe gloves were a bit of an exaggeration and like any good momma, I got practical.

But granted, practicality jumps out the window once you're burdened with the coming of yet another child. Two years later, Mikey walked into my life and I just couldn't resist keeping him.

 

 

 

      

The Jump Of The Tiger

Well, hello there... How was your Christmas? Did you get lots of presents? Did you eat tons of food? What is it that regular people eat for Christmas dinner, anyway?

(Regular people = Not my family)

My dad is possibly one of the best cooks on earth and when I finally arrived at my parent's place and wrestled my way through a pool of seven dogs and five cats yesterday, my dad burst out of the kitchen with:

 

 

 

 

Ox tail is fucking delicious. You know what's also pretty awesome? Dorky holiday sweaters.

This post was intended to brief you of a new sexperiment I learned of a while back but so far it has become an ox tail rant (I can't help myself) laced with questionable fashion taste.

Back to the matter at hand! Over dinner a few weeks back I was informed that people from Central America have this sex move they often times perform called "El salto del tigre" (The jump of the tiger). Basically, the man will lay there with his sword up and ready for battle, while the woman runs and jumps on it from a distance. This move can also be performed the other way around (woman laying down) but it takes a tiger jump master to be able to execute it properly.

I'm not sure what kind of crazy lunatic came up with this but I've been told it rarely plays out as intended.

 

 

 

Merry Christmas, my little tigers.

This Post Contains Mild Nudity (It's Christmas After All).

Christmasssssssssssssss!

This post is dedicated to you: The good, the bad, and the beautiful...

So this morning I woke up and opened a package from a blogger swap I participated in last month and was pleasantly surprised with the outcome if I do say so myself.

Took me a while to figure it out but they're luggage tags... One for where I live, one for where I'm from, and one for the place I most want to visit. This blogger rocks and I want to say thank you a thousand times for such a thoughtful and useful gift.

My parents and I rarely exchange gifts during Christmas and seeing they're the only family I have here in the States asides from my cousin, I have no idea what I'm so excited about but I'm excited anyway.

You know how people take pictures of themselves and their children during the holidays and then mail it to their friends with their well wishes? Well I figured you've seen enough pictures of my dogs and everything else would be too boring so I made you a Christmas card with my boobs. Don't ever say I don't love you (back on Sunday!).

Open Heart

This is Bruno.

I rescued him before leaving on a trip to Vegas three years ago. "As soon as I come back, I'll find him a home," I told my mom. He loves everything that's food related and eating earplugs.

He dislikes strangers petting his head almost as much as getting his hair cut.

Yesterday I dragged him to the groomers (I couldn't bear to look at him waddle with all that hair anymore).

He's not very happy with me presently, but a few trips to McDonald's will take care of that.

------------------------------------

This is Mikey.

I rescued him last Thanksgiving. "As soon as the holidays are over, I'll find him a home," I said to my mom.

Mikey likes squeeky toys and fighting with Bruno. He also likes biting people when they least expect it and getting me into trouble with the neighbors, as well as humping my leg when he thinks I'm sleeping.

------------------------------------

This is Beba.

"I have to keep her for two months?!" I asked her owner.

"Yeah, but then I'll be back and pick her up from you right away."

That was ten years ago.

Beba cares about two things and two things only: Sleeping on my bed and going on car rides (especially if those car rides lead to the beach).

------------------------------------

This is Annah.

She was rescued a few years ago by a bunch of crazy dogs with no home to call their own. She likes cupcakes, vodka, children, medium-rare steak, books, traveling, and people who bite when kissing.

She really wishes this holiday season you'd open your heart to rescuing something (even if it's yourself).