Last week I was surprised to discover there's an upside to being celibate for six months and twenty-nine days (not like I'm counting or anything). If you're sensitive to or offended by personal information I urge you to stop reading right now. If you're a close friend and don't want to know details about my sex life I urge you, stop reading now.
Still there? Pervert.
I was in the bathtub the other day giving myself some much deserved pleasure thank-you-very-much and was delighted to bring forth fruition five times in less than an hour. When it was all set and done I contemplated sleeping in the tub as I could barely command my body to move but then the water got cold and I wasn't going to sleep in frozen devirginized water 'cuz that's just creepy.
Then on Saturday we were having mimosas at my place after the night of lunacy that was high school reunion and I relayed this bit of information to Lola, whose green eyes opened wide with horror and said, "My friend, that's not good."
Me: What do you mean "that's not good"?
Lola: Dude, do you know what you're going to sound like the first time you get back in the game again?
Me: Um, no (laughing nervously).
Lola: Like this.
Still there? Pervert.
I was in the bathtub the other day giving myself some much deserved pleasure thank-you-very-much and was delighted to bring forth fruition five times in less than an hour. When it was all set and done I contemplated sleeping in the tub as I could barely command my body to move but then the water got cold and I wasn't going to sleep in frozen devirginized water 'cuz that's just creepy.
Then on Saturday we were having mimosas at my place after the night of lunacy that was high school reunion and I relayed this bit of information to Lola, whose green eyes opened wide with horror and said, "My friend, that's not good."
Me: What do you mean "that's not good"?
Lola: Dude, do you know what you're going to sound like the first time you get back in the game again?
Me: Um, no (laughing nervously).
Lola: Like this.
Lola: Your fucking head is going to twist around in circles and the guy's gonna think you're possessed. If I were you I'd sleep with someone you don't like the first time because if not you're going to scare the hard-on out of that poor guy.
I stood there biting my nails and clutching my champagne glass a little too hard, weighing out my options: 1) inevitable celibacy break or 2) running off to Italy and joining a convent. From what I can tell, Blogger thinks I should take Option #1.
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The post above is officially over. This is the part where I do something lame like post a picture of my dog so if you want to keep scrolling down then suit yourself. If you choose to start your weekend without looking at my gay dog and his undying love of red heels I'm okay with it and will not be upset. But if you don't, then it's obvious you love dogs, gayness, and/or red heels so by default you have excellent taste.
59 comments:
Heh. I'm sure whoever you end your dry spell (pardon the pun) with will not mind one bit if that happens.
that's not scary - i think it sounds like you'll have FUN!!!!
I doubt that you will scare your guy away. If you hadn't taken care of yourself and had pent up all that times worth of sexual energy...maybe...but I think you will be just fine. No need to worry. At least I hope not. Is it possible to scare the "hard on out of somebody"? That's a horrible thought.
perhaps now you have scratched the itch in the bath tub, things might not be so explosive. Of course you can hope he lives up to your expectations now.
BWAHAHAHHAH
I haven't been following your blog for very long but.."Justin Bieber line Drawings? Is there something you're not telling me??
PS, I posted my Scavenger Hunt pictures...check out your uber uber hot guy. Tee hee
no way you screaming your head off would scare the hard on out of somebody.
unless you were screaming your head off for no reason while two friends were having sex next to you. then the guy with the hard on MIGHT be so scared that he would withdraw.
ANYWAY.
don't most guys like girls who make some noise?
http://justanotherwastedday.blogspot.com
She may be right. You ought to see a priest, just to be sure. Just an evaluation type thing.
Sometimes I sound like that when the sex is REALLY good and fiance brings out a few...em...toys....
LOL! It's not really that bad. trust me..for someone who went 7 years...it's not that bad. I swear.
Damn,
I'm a dirty Ole' Man, OK?
Just because I like reading about a young womans strange sex activities or lack there of does not a pervert make me.
:P
:P
:P
:P
:P
Multiple (:P)s = a computer Rasberry
:)
Love ya Grilo Famosity Awesomistress
Danny Boy
I would think the lucky bastard would be ecstatic to think he was bringing someone that much pleasure! The only thing that might scare him off would be if you screamed out something totally random and completely unrelated....Like, "I fucking love Golden Giiiirrrrrrllllllsssss!" Then, he might lose an erection. But if he's got a totally smokin' Cuban chick riding him to Glory Town and makin' him out to be a REAL man with all that noise...Well, he's gonna feel like he just won a Goddamn gold medal my friend!
When I have serious life altering questions, the answer is frequently "Have more sex". In fact that is the answer to most of lifes problems. Except "You Have Gonorrhea". That usually means have less sex.
Was this the night that the phantom blog post appeared and then disappeared? ;)
I spent most of my life sleeping with people I didn't like. It's really pretty easy.
SD
http://simpledudecomplexworld.blogspot.com/
Your dry spell has made my October Cocktober in my dreams and in my everyday life. Now that I'm single it seems like everything is revolving around cock.
-sigh- I did a whole post about it and so far I'm disappointed in myself and my subconscious. Get laid girlie!
http://theadorkableditzmissteps.blogspot.com/
I don't think it will be intense enough to require that you sleep with someone you don't like first. Then again, you'd know better than I would.
Annah...your friend is sadly mistaken. Whether you please yourself or receive gratification from a total stranger, shout your freakin' lungs out! Who cares what the others think. This is all about you. F**k 'em....literally!
Hugs to you!
Pfft. That's nothing. I'm going on five years sans hanky-panky and five times in under an hour is like... Thursday morning with a migraine, dude. Lola's right. Someone's gonna look at you the wrong way and you're gonna be smoking a cigarette after.
But hey, worse things could happen, right?
You guys are the best. I say it to my friends all the time and now I'll say it to you, the best part of blogging is how much your comments make me laugh. You guys should just write for me.
Ckrets: I love Justin Bieber. He's been mentioned here a few times. No need for me to lie. I wouldn't have sex with that little shrimp though. Ew!
Sheanna: But I *do* love Golden girrrrrrllllllsssss. Bahhahahhaha.
TB: *looks away shyly* Yes? lol
Elizabeth- Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa? Five years?!?!?! Amiga.... we need to do something about that!
GET.LAID.NOW! Oh and, I seriously doubt "he" is going to mind if your head starts spinning and doing crazy crap! lol
Don't worry, i'm sure you'll sound grrrreat ;)
any guy would love that! like to know we're really gettin the job done
We have a match! 5X per hour is my average, too!
The head spinning round wouldn't bother me, Annah, as long as we skip the pea soup part.
Ever think of selling your ice cold devirginized bath water on eBay? You could retire by 30!
i was celibate for three years before getting together with my now fiance, and the first time we had sex was so freaking fantastic, and I was exactly like you friend says, but believe me when I say you will not scare them, you will actually probably turn them on even more... yay for masturbation!
check out my blog @ amberlashell.com
i have not clue what they is post is saying but I KNOW THAT i saw shoes and wsomething about sex so I'm voting this post #1
i loved how the leg was up in most of the pictures. and the bun managed to stay in tact through it all...that never happens for real! LOL
I don't think you're gonna freak a guy out. If anything, he'll be like "Yeah, dude.....I'm freakin' awesome!"
Also, I *heart* your gay dog and his shoes.
I would so shower myself in that devirginized water!
i think you should very much cede with your friend's advice:
"If I were you I'd sleep with someone you don't like the first time because if not you're going to scare the hard-on out of that poor guy."
So i'm on expedia right now, when can i come down!? =P
lol!! thanks for the friday morning giggle :)
lol
I think sex is much more fun to read about than it should be....
"Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa? Five years?!?!?! Amiga.... we need to do something about that!"
LMAO. I tried to do something about that. I bought a rabbit two years ago. It died.
Oh, you mean with someone else? I would if I could! The pickings are slim around here, m'dear.
Overshare? Maybe.
Hilarious? Definitely.
Head twisting 360? Not a turn off if everything else is going ok. ;)
Honey, I have a solution for you:
http://tershbango.blogspot.com/2010/10/i-need-to-get-laid.html
This will cure ALL your troubles.
5 times? I'm impressed.
I don't think it will be quite that intense...only if he's like an excellent lay, in which case, who the Hell cares?
Hahahaha! I don't even have anything clever to say here because I'm too busy laughing. I wish I lived closer to you and could engage in Mimosa swigging and great conversations like this.
http://operatingonrandom.blogspot.com
Yvonne: I'm waiting for the postman. Soon as he gets here I'll just have sex with him (following your advice is all). <---- Kidding! Ew postman is like 65.
Amy: I love Bruno to pieces. His gayness fills my heart with joy (and I have an excuse to buy all the red heels my heart desires).
Shady: I'm not famous enough for that yet. But I'll keep it in the evil backburner.
V: LOL. Seriously!?? lol. Quit it!
Kirsten: I was too. And happy as hell.
TMI up ahead: One of the downfalls of pregnancy for me is that in the first trimester I don't get aroused easily. I'm a very sexual person, the type who loves having sex three to four times a week. Now? My poor hubby has to deal with once a week and that's it. The upside? By the time we do it (usually on the weekend) I feel like I'm a virgin all over and the orgasm is EXPLOSIVE...I mean, my NEIGHBORS could hear my moans. So yeah. This post was pure awesomeness. And seven months? Your lover is going to need ear plugs, my friend.
First, Annah, your dog is adorable. Can't have too many pictures of that fuzzball. Also, and I could be wrong about this, but wouldn't a guy be really flattered and think he was a sex god if he thought HE was the cause of your over-the-top moaning? Just sayin', it could work in your favor.
whatever lolas just jealous she cant do that! some guys like the whole sexually possesed look
I was gonna say something, but looks like everybody else took my thoughts!
Either way you go, have fun and enjoy!
CBG
canadianbloggergirl.blogspot.com
Ha ha your dog just loves those heels doesn't he? As for your head popping off well it might not because if the guy is bad then you can't scream all that stuff. If he is good, guys love that stuff. So before having sex just ask him if he likes a screamer or quit.. I am sure you will be able to tell just by having a conversation with him. Anyhoot have an awesome weekend :)
Ay dios mio.
Baby daddy liked red high heels. On himself.
if you scream your head off, and look possessed while your head spins around like linda blair's, that's ok. i'm sure he'll probably really love that and everything. the only problem i see, is that he'll think that will happen EVERY time! now, that could get annoying!
Very nice!!! Good for you!! Sometimes we have to take matter into our own hands... lol :)
lol.. i like the dog
and awesum sexy heels
Good for you kiddo. If you go too long, one day you'll wake up and there'll be no enamel left on your molars, or no molars for that matter.
Janet: Pobre de tu esposo, mija. Pero mas... pobre de tus vecinos. jajajaj
Feelings: Bruno says woof woofie woofie woof, which translates to "Thank you, sugar pie."
Adventure: You too! :) We'll see. You guys will be the first to find out. Sometimes my friends get jealous because I post about things that I hadn't even told them.
Mandy: Um, was he gay like my dog? Is this what you're trying to get at?
Elizabeth: After five years I will attach a playdoh penis to a blowup doll and call it a day, girlfriend! LOL. Oh my.
Carey: Shit, that's a good point.
Anshie: Bruno is a gay whore. But I love him more than all the cupcakes in the world. My friends call him "The Cowardly Lion."
Uh, I think your blog keywords were telling you something else there. How come "new to blogging" "dan" was right below what you 'conveniently' pointed to?
Gotta say, I admire your honesty and willingness to divulge masturbatory information to the masses. Because a shitload of people read this. When you start slutting out after you have sex with one dude, your blog is gonna get renamed to "Red Means Ho!"
Dan: Just because you're a blog "ho" doesn't mean I'm one too. Respect! Or I will go up there to Jersey or wherever it is you Jewish people live and KICK YOUR WHITE BEHIND WITH MY RED HEELED SHOE. Then you'll love it and beg for forgiveness but I won't give it to you because I'm vengeful that way.
The End.
"Still there? Pervert." LOL... I busted a gut at this; thank you. And still I kept reading... I'm guessing because I am indeed a perv?
I have to disagree with Lola. Guys are going to dig that reaction!
These pictures are by far my favorite...especially the last one. Cartoon You looks so content! I can't wait to read your post first sex post!
Jess
so i just wrote a post about these weird-ass inflatable cow sex toys. the seller had testimonials from supposed customers and they all said, basically, "i got this as a joke, but then one night i was lonely..."
i told this to my friend and he said, "i've been lonely, but not cow-lonely."
girl, i think you might be approaching cow-lonely territory.
jill
http://inbedwithmarriedwomen.blogspot.com
I like the first picture :] hahaha
"frozen devirginized water"
I might seriously be in love with you.
Oh honey, dont worry about it - silence in bed is a turn off anyway.
Oh, and I haven't forgotten your JD, as promised last week, but my assistant is useless and I was at a client meeting all afternoon.
Also, Friday I forgot (I'M SORRY!). I'll send it next week, pwomise.
- B x
Annah my friend it is so good to be back from the cruise so I can catch up on your blogs. I think it's awesome that you had the experience in the tub and do not think a guy in his right mind would be bothered by your expressions. Go for it girl and don't look back.
Odie
Umm, no big deal, but can you tell me the EXACT kind of soap you had in the bath, and the EXACT temperature of the water, and the EXACT way you were sitting, and EXACTLY what you had to eat that day, etc.
*Comment marked "urgent."
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