Me: Yeah...
Jack: You're odd, babe.
Me: Did I just pull a douche move?
Jack: No comment.
Me: Okay...
But later I got to thinking, am I douchy sometimes without even realizing it? Then I got all excited the next day and performed a survey among twelve friends on the top seven douchy things girls do. Here they are in all their glory:
THE EPICURIOUS PHOTOGRAPHER
DUCK FACE HERO
For every two girls out in the world, one has made a duck face at some point or another in an attempt to look sexy. Yeah, I know...It's not sexy. It's not even alluring. But I still do it all the damn time and I don't care what people say. Duck face hero til' I die!
THE WOO GIRL
You know what happens when someone points something out you'd never noticed before? A curtain is pulled from your eyes. Such was the case for me and the "Woo Girls." Ever pay attention to those drunk girls on television or at a club that get excited and start screaming "Wooooooooo, wooooooooo!!!!!!" That, is a 'woo girl'. She will usually have a pink martini in hand and be armed with at least two other 'woo girls' on each side, ready to start a motherfucking woo party.
THE I-JUST-GOT-A-BOOB-JOB CHICK
She was a double A, now she's a double D. She feels the need to show the world this trivial fact. She will flash her boobs to any innocent bystander, let the homeless man on the corner grope her newly enlarged ta-tas, and wear the sluttiest outfit she can find at her local hooker store because goddamnit she paid for those titties, and she's not about to let 'em go to waste!
THE "PICKY EATER"
She's on a date and she's starving. Her stomach is making more noise than a Miami hurricane but there's no way in hell she's going to eat in front of her guy, so she'll order something light in an attempt to look cute.
One hour later...
Ever heard that saying "It isn't stealing unless you get caught?" Yeah, it also applies to pigging out.
THE SNEAKY CHECK GIRL
We all know a girl that's guilty of said offense. The urgent need to use the bathroom only arises as soon as the bill comes while out on a date. In fact, it doesn't even have to be on a date. It could be on a night out with girlfriends. Either that or she'll have "forgotten her wallet" or been mugged by aliens before arriving at the money-spending destination.
THE I-WANT-HIM-CUZ-HE'S-MARRIED GIRL
This is by far the worst type of douch-baglette around. She'll be out and spot a guy and think Meh, he's alright. I definitely wouldn't sleep with him.
Three months later she sees the same dude at the same club but this time he's sporting a wedding ring. All of the sudden, he's perfect and she can't get enough of him and his married man smell. She must have him and pop out twenty of his babies or else she will perish, alone and manless.
60 comments:
OK, that was hysterical.I know entirely too many women who are guilty of every damned one of these things, especially the last three. Plus, I kinda dig the duck-face, though I will admit that I'm pretty weird.
Rolling.
Girlo,
Hope you truly enjoyed said steak and totally munched down and left nothing but grisel (if there was any).
Hope you are having a Good Halloween with your friends. If not I know you can get a good laugh at my expense looking at the Pictures for today.
Laters Girlo
Danny Boy
or should I say
Dani Boyoi -- LMAO
Yeah i hate those baglettes. Oh he's taken, "I DON'T CARE I WANT HIM!"
Haven't come across too much duck face in the real world. That or the suddenly big boobs...
http://theadorkableditzmissteps.blogspot.com/
That is awesome.. where the hell were you like 10 - 15 years ago. Do you realize how much help this post would have been in my dating life?!?!?? It's like a sneak peak into the mind of the chick.
To all you young single dudes out there.. read this, re-read this, and live by it. You'll thank me in your 30s.
SD
simpledudecomplexworld.blogspot.com
I always take pictures of my food. So does my girlie Krysten. I mean, everyone needs to appreciate the awesomeness of the meal I'm not sharing.
Went out with a grlfriend the other night, had a few wines and thought we would try the "duck face" just for a bit of fun. Absolutely hilarious, the pic looked like we were warming up for a bit of girl on girl pashing. Quickly deleted. Will stick to cheesy smile from now on lol
Damn, I'm so hungry I seriously want that steak. LOL
LOL..
thats a fuuny post and its just awesome and thanx for the LOOOONG post :D
lol.. again that date incidence was definately funny... even when am out with boyfriend I cant eat to my fill...lol
Married men are a no-no. Any chick that goes against that cardinal rule is indeed a douche-baglette.
As for the 'conveniently disappearing whenever the check arrives' girls, perhaps we should add in those chicks that order 5 cocktails, appetizers, the most expensive entree' plus dessert and coffee while their friend orders a salad and soft drink. Big eater douche-baglette then wants to split the check down the middle. Eff that shit.
You are not alone when it comes to taking photos of your food. Several of my normal friends do the same. Glad you enjoyed the steak!
http://rantersbox.blogspot.com
Worse than the "I-Just-Got-Boobs" girl is the "Fat-Girl-Who-Tries-To-Entice-Men-With-Her-Enormous-Tits-As-If-It-Makes-Up-For-The-Back-Fat-Boobs". A 300 lber who walks around in a super low-cut shirt, her top clinging to her nipples for dear life as they jiggle along while her back fat oozes out of her too-small jeans. How could the guys not go for that? Yeah, big boobs does not equal sexy when you've got a matching pair on your back, just put it all away before my eyes melt.
I am TOO familiar with the "he's married so I want him" shitweasel girl. They will die a painful death if they play that with my husband! May I add the girl who orders 5 drinks, apps, and food and then says, "it's on me next time" EVERY TIME?!!
Holy crap this is funny! I have totally been the girl who eats one piece of lettuce on a date and then goes home and eats anything and everything in the fridge. At least I can admit it?? Yay I'm a dougebaglette!!
here i thought they always went to the bathroom because they drink too much
Oh noes! You do the duckface?!?!?
Ok well we do it but in Mockery.
You're damn fine so you're forgiven.
ha! good one, annah! we need danaconda to do the mens version of the douche baglette! but are we ladies really that predictable and ridiculous?
lol, good stuff. I really liked the way you drew the married guy at the end... I've been doing too many cartoons.....
This was hysterical! Not only do my besties and I take pics of food (especially tomatoes -don't ask!) we also do the duck face and who cares what others think! We look sexy dammit! (at least in our world! lol)
This whole post KILLS, Annah gurl! Once again you have proven that "a mind is a terrible thing." Happy Halloween, dear friend!
I am very excited and proud to say that I do not fit into even one of those categories. Yay!
Annah, this is the type of blog that inspired me to blog. My first post came shortly after "THIS IS WHAT FAMOUS PEOPLE DO" that you wrote back in July. The creativity of your blog made you the first one I ever followed and keeps me coming back for more. This is just flat-out funny.
Haha! and so true. Thank god I am none of those girls, however I do have a tendency to scream..."no..you're awesome" when I'm drunk, perhaps that is a sidekick of woowoo girl, but I hope not :(
Oh wait...I did just take a picture of my dinner the other night. I usually don't, though, because I feel like the waiters are judging me.
bahahahahaha somebody said they dig the duck face. That's pretty funny. I'm not a fan of it, but by all means you do what makes you happy girl! and you are probably one of the most CONSISTANTLY entertaining bloggers I've read. I enjoy coming back again and again because I know whether it's serious, funny, or outrageous... it's going to be good. :) THX.
Fanfuckingtastic.
I totally laughed at the "Picky Eater" and her post-date binge. Hilarious! :)
Great post Miss Annah. As always.
yeah what's up with that eating thing. Sometimes the girl will leave the heavy stuff like a Steak and take it to go. Now im positive she is secretly at home devouring that meat like no tomorrow
also, can you explain the married man thing. My conclusion:
It takes a woman a while to find a suitable husband, perhaps the fact that a man is already married makes him more attractive because another womnn has taken the hard task of assessing the qualities of a good husband
To get married a man needs to be ready, for only then does a reasonable man prpose. So the woman seeking a married man already concludes that he must have a somewhat good job, a savings account, and most importantly a marriage-mind--compared to an eligible single dude with surprises.
Also, women love what they can't have.
In conclusion, Annah, I never told you this but i'm a happily married man =P
Are those like.....peas on the steak? What are those things?
Okay so I just reread your blog to catch up back to, oh, July. Lady I have homework to get done, stop being so entertaining. IT'S NOT APPRECIATED.
I do duckface but only as a tribute to Zoolander and we do know it looks ridiculous. And I do a different version of picky eating... I usually eat snacks about an hour before going out to dinner with anybody. It means I do eat some of the dinner but I'm not tempted to look like a pig.
Anybody else actually turned off by unavailable guys? Like I can appreciate their hotness if they got it, but I'm not a homewrecker in the slightest.
Um... is the expression "douche baglette" suppose to imply a girl is sad (vs cool) or just hyper hate-worthy? (sorry i'm from Downunder)
Um... is the expression "douche baglette" suppose to imply a girl is sad (vs cool) or just hyper hate-worthy? (sorry i'm from Downunder)
Awesome post :)WOO WOO!
Happy Monday! :) :) :) I'll reply to as many comments as I can before my boss gets here *evil laugh*
Simple Dude: 10 years ago I was seventeen. And oh wow, was I a different person back then.
Lilly: I've been guilty as charged of that. On more than one occasion.
J.Day: That steak was uh-mazing!
Ckretz: I'm a total duck face hero! In fact I've been thinking of making a duck face hero video for this blog.
Shady: My compadre. My mind is a terrible thing? Squee! :) I like that.
Quincy: :) ! :) ! Thanks so much, that really makes this whole no sleep for blogging thing worthwhile. Seriously.
Melicious: "No you're awesome!" <------ that sounds pretty funny. I gotta start trying it out.
TB: They totally are judging you, those fohckers.
Leia and Candice: Thanks guys. p.s. I used to be the "picky eater". Not I just do my pigging out right on the date. I mean, if it eventually turns into a relationship he'll know I eat more than three leafs of lettuce for dinner so what's the point?
V: You crack me up.
K: I understand what you mean about the unavailable guys minus the homewrecking factor. Also, I think guys probably understand they have more allure when they're taken, and their confidence levels skyrocket.
Xiuza: Semi hate worthy. Doing things that aren't appropriate/tacky because they think it's cool.
duck face girl right huuuuuuuuuuurrrrrrr
But the best duck face is when the girl has to hold her arm way out and take the picture of herself doing the duck face. To me, that says, "I'm too pathetic to even have a friend that can take a picture of me, so I'm relegated to taking pictures of myself, hence the pouty face."
My favorite from this weekend: The girl who keeps asking you questions so she has someone to talk to at the party, but is obviously eye stalking a guy the whole time.
And you want to be like, "If I'm the involuntary wingman, can't YOU provide the conversation? Because now I'm being held hostage AND bored out of my ever loving mind. Plus, that guy hates you."
Your art just gets better girl. An awesome post as usual. I will have to admit that I took a few photos of the fancy food on the cruise ship but I am not usually in the habit of photographing food. However, my dear, your's looked mighty tasty. How was the reunion with your dad?
Odie
Youre Welcome !!!
I LOVE YOU !!!!!
PS- damn that steak looked good yummmmm
Annah, the boob chick looks like a transvestite. Maybe I just have trannys on the brain because TMC was showing a Rocky Horror Picture Show marathon yesterday.
And next time you want to take pics of your food, also have a little notebook & pen at the ready. Then you can just pretend you're a food reviewer, and the entire restaurant staff will be kissing your ass.
HaHa I loved this post, it is too true about the "Woo Girls!" Every time I go out to the bar I see them every where trying hard to be a cute but they look like a bunch of Douche's! OH and the married man syndrome know a couple of those chicks. What about the "When I get really drunk I like to hit people Douche Bag" or the "I turn into a complete bitch when I drink Douche Bag" Or "When I get drunk I cheat on my boyfriend Douche Bag"
Douche-baglette?
Fucking love it!!
Goes nicely with my Douchebag of the Month posts.
Ah, bliss.
LMAO! That was fantastic! I've taken a duck face picture before. My infant even has a duck face picture (believe it or not)! It's hilarious!
The I Want Him Cuz He's Married girl better stear clear...I will cutabitch!
According to your findings I'm 20% douche...
Is it douchey that I just manually calculated my douche percentage? Make it 30% douche...
WOO WOO
lol
Great post! You should do more like this. We all need categories for the things we see every day because here, you put them in picture form. :)
Annah, you need to 'meet' Bobby Bottleservice of the Ed Hardy Boys on Funny or Die - he has the best duck face EVER, and he's a complete douche-bag. (And yet somehow he's oddly endearing - does that make me a tiny bit douche-baglette?): http://FunnyOrDie.com/m/329o.
Also, I always eat my fill - I think it's sexy to be a 'woman of appetite' - makes them think about what other appetites you have ;)
SumSum: How the heck did you even come up with that number? Woo!
Ms. C: That's right girlfriend! You defend that new hubby of yours!
Rachel: Dude you're right on the money. It does look like a tranny. A butchy one. FAIL
Deidra: lol "picture form". I'm going to try and not disappoint. I've been using a new program for the drawings and it's been a lot of fun so I'm going to do more.
Boppie: The guy in black looks like Gwen Stefani's husband, no?
Yes, kind of, on his worst, fugliest day :)
LOL... I barely made it past your first picture I was laughing so hard. That's the exact phrase I yell any time gourmet food is placed in front of me :-)
I take pictures of my food :) But I'm just so glad I'm not the "woo girl" thant annoys me more than the husband hungry heifers!
excellent post Annah, and spot on :)
Ha! Re: Blog... Food pix yes. woo girl, no,never. Maybe used to be. Age 27. For a month. Now... no. Though happily attached, no one looks better than someone who is so self-absorbed to spend their waking hours working out... so pleasantly middle aged to match middle-sized... much less self-absorbed to blog about it? Hmmm... but sharing yourself online for free doesn't make one a >gasp< blog whore? does it? >gasp< no... whores make a living doing it... >grin< Keep the PULSE, Annah! ~@thestorysmith
I like the pictures, I like the posying, I like your blog. It's interesting.
http://myselfugg.blogspot.com
People have to just keep it real. if you're hungry, devour that cheeseburger.
hehehehe.....loved the post....and made me smile.....the pictures were amazinnnnnnn......:)
ok, that was hilarious! I loved this post!
Wait, wait. Do girls actually do that check move? I have never done, or seen, that before. Shocking. And give me a steak on a date any day.
lol, awesome post. Think you just described half my female friends. Come to think of it, half my friends, lol!!
I am guilty of no such things... lol... okay, maybe one or two... hilarious!! Never really thought about this!
You. Are. Awesome.
there's a whole episode of How I Met Your Mother devoted to Woo girls. Its hilarious.
Post a Comment