Tuesday

'Cuz You're Not *Really* Happy Unless Someone Knows About It

Recently, I lost my phone after way too many vodkaseltzers and a spur-of-the-moment breakfast at with my homies. Throughout the following days, it dawned on me what a useless human being I’d become without that black rectangle, its keys and blinking red light a beacon of hope in my otherwise idle and suicide-worthy-job-hunting days. Every social network at the palm of my hand taken from me without a warning and can I just say, Life wasn’t the same.

By the time my friend Manny texted on Tuesday with: “I think I found your phone and by the way I love that picture of you in your underwear,” I couldn’t believe my luck. But in between, I mulled over how times have truly changed in the last decade.  How just ten years back I never imagined a life involving things like “status updates” and “instant message pings” or “trending topics." And what with all the shit talking I take part in against social networks, I can still admit to some pros to life as we know it. Yet sometimes I wonder, How much, is too much? Because there are certain people, especially on Facebook, I simply could do without.

It's as if they're not really living unless they disclose every single detail of their lives on Facebook and in turn have that validated by their "friends."

Ladies and gentlemen, I call this the Social Network Complex and here you have it in all its status updating glory.

                            
THE WANNABE CHEF
Want to know how to make lemon gnocchi with spinach and peas? Maybe a little lobster ravioli or healthy meals for your newfound vegan lifestyle? Not to worry, this person's got you covered. For fuck's sake, Facebook is not the latest episode of Top Chef and no one really gives a damn. Thanks, and have a great day.


THE NEW PARENT
A million pictures of their newborn, starting with the very first sonogram followed by the caption “We don’t know what you are yet, but we love you already.” Puke. In my mouth.


THE VAGUE FACEBOOKER


THE OVERSHARER
“I can’t fucking believe you cheated on me with that b*tch Joanie. I hope your d*ck turns to dust and she gives you herpes, you motherf*cker! Eat sh*t.”
This was a real status update from one of my Facebook friends. If you’re reading this, you asked for it.


THE EMO
“My life sucks so much I wanna stab my left eye with a pencil and record it while blood gushes down my clothes, smearing my black eyeliner in the process.”
Seriously? Please do us all a favor and go jump off a bridge.


THE PROUD PARENT
“My kid made the honor roll for the 128th time this school year. Look at the shirt I made him with all his ribbons for his birthday!”


THE UP-TO-THE-MINUTE UPDATER
: “Just got my mani/pedi and I’m ready for the weekend! WhoooooOooooOoo”

: “Heading to happy hour bitches. Y’all know what time it is!”

: “At Blue Martini with my girls. There are so many cute guys here. LOL”

: “Oh my God someone spilled a drink on my brand new dress. Assholes!”

“Damn, I just lost my phone. I’m updating this from my friend Bianca’s phone, but she’s already looking at me funny so I don’t think I’m going to be able to update more tonight, guys. I know, it sucks. Insert sad face here ________________.”



THE MISERABLE LITTLE SOURPUSS

THE PARTY ANIMAL/CLUB SLUT
“We’re heading to Club Subzero right now, bitches!!!! Hit me up if you want to join us. We gonna be poppin’ bottles all night ‘cuz that’s how we do!”


THE LOVING SPOUSE


THE FRAT GUY
“I’m gonna get wasted tonight and find me some pussy! Who’s with me?”

THE DOMESTIC BLISSER
“The hubsters and I are gonna cook shrimp linguini with extra alfredo sauce tonight and have a cuddlefest while we watch re-runs of Friends. I love my life and I love my hubby!!!!!”

THE BLOGGER
Frankly, the most annoying of all Facebook people if you ask me. Like this stupid chick:
Naturally, my apprehensive nature towards the information age doesn’t just extend to status updates or uncalled for tweets but frankly, if I start listing everything that pisses me off I’d be here all day and I’m kind of a big deal. In fact, I gotta run off now and update my Facebook status on a new blog post I wrote but don’t worry, you've already read it and we’re probably not friends on Facebook anyway.

74 comments:

Yvonne said...

Annah! OMG, this was hilarious! I always look forward to reading your blog! Totally cracked me up! I have several "Up to the minute updater" friends on FB that I would like to punch in the ovaries but reading this will suffice -for now. muahahahaha! :)

hed. said...

You forgot one that I see every day: The music lyrics as status update person. There's one too many times I've read "I throw my hands up in the air sometimes singin ayo!" Hed hed down under

BeMistified said...

Hahahaha totally awesome. I am glad to have laughed before I went to sleep. Good times...

daniela said...

I try to avoid checking anything but FB notifications. WELL made that big mistake tonight. My homepage greeted me with the following:

"Dear ladies, you are not creative when posting song lyrics as your status, just in case you thought you were"

Really asshole? Well aren't you just an enlightened genius for telling 50% of facebook users that they are morons. B/c either they already realize they're not creative by doing this OR they really are morons and no amount of effort to point that out on your part is really going to make a difference.

But useless tweets? Check. Actually - triple check. :)

ps: sorry for the rant - i knew you'd understand my pain tho :)

J.Day said...

How about the nice folks who have "Today's inspirational baby-making song" for their updates, with a link to a video for said song. While I know what married (or, hell, what unmarried) people do behind closed doors - I REALLY don't need the visual. Thank. You. Very. Much. lol

Annah said...

Daniela: I am guilty of some of the ones mentioned above, and that's okay... Out of 500 million FB users there's bound to be some repetitiveness. Yet some people, just don't know when enough is enough.

J.Day: Good Gawd I've never seen those. I *have* seen the ones of people throwing little innuendos at their ex boyfriends or ex spouses and it's so sad :( I feel like going to their houses and baking them cookies whilst holding their hands. Then again I can't bake and I am not really fond of hand holding so it just never works out.

Migz said...

This is the problem with people having an easily accessible way to share their thoughts. They don't realize that most of the time the stuff they post is mundane shit nobody cares about.
And people who complain about other people in their status in the hopes that the person they are talking about reads it are the worst. Grow the fuck up, pick up the phone and talk to that person like an adult.

Just 1 Random Guy said...

Owe! The blogger one hurts... x⁔o

Charles said...

hahahaha....

emo guy. That is tremendous. If only we could convince them all that their eye sockets were pencil sharpeners...

http://arealgoodblog.blogspot.com

Opto-Mom said...

Loved this post! I have all of these on my friend list. I also have another category that you may not have experienced....the Teen/Pre-Teen contingency. Here is a sample status from one of these geniuses:
"OMG, like WTH? My mom totally made me work on homework 2nite. I dont no why? Just bcuz I am failing english, your not sposed to take my phone away."

The Ranter's Box said...

So right on the money! I effing hate the 'over sharers'. Some of the incredibly personal shit they post for all the world to see absolutely positively creeps me out.

As for those guilty of being fb 'bloggers' I say whore yourself away. I do it each and every day cause I'm a mission.

Here's to famosity Annah!
Hugs, The Empress

Ali B said...

I love this Annah! So so funny as always. Most of my friends are fb addicts. I honestly can't understand how they get anything else done. I just switched my account back on after taking a 6 month fb celibacy vow. My status updates are all about elephants lately and begging for Thailand tips. Do you accept any friend who requests you? just curious. a

Alpha Za said...

haha, I'm not sure which category I fall into, though my latest post is a letter to my baby niece. so I guess I'm a meld between that and Awesome.

Mynx said...

Ok I might be guilty of "the proud parent" but I have never quoted song lyrics. I would if I culd remember them, but I would probably get them wrong anyway. My pet hate is lovelorn teenagers. Heart breaking one day and madly in love the next. Makes me want to puke

Christopher said...

had me cracking up with this one

Odie Langley said...

Fantastic Annah!! I have facebook mainly to keep up with my 3 girls but get pissed off every time I open it up to find all the sh*t you mentioned, over and over again. I have X'd off a lot of people that I just can't take another one of their meaningless comments. I am just so thankful that we all have the famous Annah to fill our days with truely entertaining posts with substance. We love you girl.
Odie

Fickle Cattle said...

Well, that pretty much covers everything and anything one would use status updates for. I guess Facebook should just delete the whole thing?

I am Fickle Cattle.

J Franklin Evans said...

Heh. I'm afraid I'm "The Blogger," too. Of course, since I've seen certain *other* people do it (*cough*Annah*cough*), it must be totally cool. Or at least okay.

amber said...

I totally catapulted you, girl. Yourwelcome.

The Tame One said...

Oh well shit, I think I'm all of the above except the I love my husband one. I do, He just doesn't want anyone in cyber-world to know he actually exists. Oh no! I think I've said too much LOL. Excellent post Annah. I'll RT it and update my status just for you girl.

**********Britt************* said...

Oh dayummmmm you put us all out there! lmao!!! I think most of us are guilty of one of the categories...and yeah FB statuses can get us into trouble...but not as much as being your friend and you blogging about us! lmao!!
And another one! <-Biggie voice! Muah!

steph gas said...

okay. i totally pimp my own blog every time i have a new post. i occasionally pimp other blogs as well *ahem*. i also pimp my company once in a blue moon to try and drum up sales (not really working). other than that, i am TOTALLY guilty of posting song lyrics. not like entire songs like some people do. like a line or two if it's super meaningful to me that day and i have heard the song. i don't go searching for songs with interesting lyrics in my itunes library. i only gush about awesome husband when he does or says something ridiculous or when it's our anniversary (this friday!)

having said all of that. i got my mom to join the facebook and she's all like ' i don't care what you, your brother, or your cousins are doing tonight. do i really need to know that (cousin) is getting sushi??' and i'm like, mom - that's just what facebook IS. you don't have to post anything if you don't want to.

but go check out that video i left on your wall. it's funny.

http://justanotherwastedday.blogspot.com

Annah said...

Christopher: I'm so glad.

Odie: I think Facebook is hilarious and it sure entertains me at times.

Amber and Tame: Thank you, ladies ;)

Britt: It's all in good fun. Some people just can't take a damn joke. Losing followers left and right here. LMAO

Steph: I am guilty of the song lyrics. And of blog whoring ALL THE TIME. I don't care! I'm a woman on a mission. Bahahhaha. p.s. Congrats on the anniversary! :)

Alexa O said...

Worse than the proud parents are the proud dog owners. Good god, nobody cares if your dog is off his food and irregular.

Or that he woke you up at 5am to go out.

They are MUCH more interested to learn that my daughter woke me up at 5am to "go pee pee."

But DOGS? Sheesh.

www.looseleafwriting.blogspot.com

Lady B said...

Hehehe I'm going to have to agree... I kind of fail at facebook these days because I feel more isolated than actually involved while creeping around everyones picture.

The ones that scare me the most are the baby ones. Especially the snonogram. I DO NOT WANT TO SEE YOUR UNDERCOOKED BABY! It is creepy.

I also love your famewhoring ways. They make me glad.
xoxox

Ms. C. said...

You forgot one....The Political Status Updater that only gets their "news" from Fox News and believes whatever Bill O'Reilly (a.k.a Satan) and Sean Hannity tell them to believe. Then you have the other side that only believes what CNN and Jon Stewart tell them to believe. Both of these drive me up a wall.

Fred Miller said...

I lould love to "share" this to my facebook profile, but it's far too honest. My friends are too fragile. They would break down in tears and never speak to me again. You've decribed 99% of my friend list.

Beautiful job, as always.

Scrapbooking for Men

violet badbunny said...

HILARIOUS!!!! and so true. cancelled mine 6 months ago and haven't looked back.

there were some people that i lost as friends because i was just so ANNOYED by their status updates and i had to delete them and they confronted me...!!!

f u facebook

best of luck with the job search. ps don't rule out the idea of a sugar daddy ;)

xo,
v

http://howtobeanorphan.blogspot.com

TB said...

I am definitely the proud parent type, but not to the extent that I've seen others do. I try my best to walk the fine line...mostly, I just post cute things that the kid says, because FB is a convenient place to write them down so I can save them for later. :)

Nobody has mentioned my least-favorite FBer yet--those who post this sort of crap:

"99% of people have a mother, but 90% of us won't repost this. I love my mom! Repost if you agree!!!"

OR

"You aren't a true American unless you can admit that you support our troops. Let's see how many of you aren't afraid to repost this as your status update and leave it there for a WHOLE DAY!!!"

Ugh.

Danger Boy said...

Like the twist at the end. :)
Facebook...the root of all evil? No, but perhaps the poison ivy of evil.
Here's another facebook type of poster that I despise: the political activist. "I'm off to vote for (insert politician you hate here) and you should too or you're a baby raper."
I facepalm. Then I delete.

artist60164 said...

omg I just love you. Are you on facebook, I want all my friends to love you too.

alexis said...

What cemented me into never joining Facebook is when a friend posted info about a devastating accident about two people I know instead of calling. I found out about it through my boyfriend who has a FB. Idiots!

Dr. Cynicism said...

This is why I still don't do FB. And you've further convinced me to hold off even longer, thanks! Funny shit!

Hell Notes for Beauty™ said...

That is why I don'T HAVE ONE PEOPLE ARE SO FULL OF SHIT! especially the song lyrics ughh.

DuckiesKnit2 said...

Lol. Vague facebooker. My husband calls is Vaguebooking.

Lisa Marie said...

ah, hilarious! so glad someone else gets annoyed by the same shit i do. mainly the "loving spouse" and "domestic blisser"... but maybe that says more about me than them, hmmm...

thanks for entertaining me (daily!) while i avoid actually doing work at work...

Shannon said...

Very true and is it ok if you fall under a few of those categories lol? I reposted just as you asked for famousity sake. I still only have twelve follower for mine. Although I think I have a few silent stalkers out there. Keep up the good work.
p.s. I post the link to my blog on my fb too no shame

Doug Stephens said...

So, what does that leave?

Annah said...

Shannon! :) Thanks buddy.

Doug: It's not supposed to "leave" anything. We're all guilty of doing the aforementioned things, it's just some people abuse, driving everyone else crazy in the process.

Xylina Myia said...

Oh what about the couples who are fighting through facebook status updates. Ugh I had too many of those pop up on my friends list. Or the Bored Updater who keeps writing that they are bored and have nothing to do.

This was hilarious girl and so true :)

mathilde said...

Annah, you're hilarious ... i've just joined in being one of your fans and havent regret it ever since! So much fun reading you! I would have add another facebook pain: when a couple publically display their love for each other all over MY wall. AAAAAAARGH, i could shoot them! jaja

Juniper said...

Opto-Mum your teenager comment made me laugh - just like my nieces!! In fact I had to hide them from my newsfeed because it all got too much.

I used to have my blog link on my FB page but I took it off because.. well my FB friends are a different sort of person (with 2 exceptions who are fellow bloggers) and I don't really want them reading and making asshole comments. I doubt any of them bothered to read it anyway! So I keep it just for blogger friends :-)

~Juniper~

Kirsten said...

I can so relate- I think I have ALL of these "friends."

V said...

someone is bitter today. Thank god i wasn´t a victim on your facebook-update bashing =P

haha, i like how some people treated this comment board as sort of a facebook update thing. Hasn´t anyone learned anything from what the great Annah just wrote?!

Baxie \m/_ said...

All of the people that I know on Facebook do this! It is so dull to read now. Although you do get to see a whole load of gossip on there...especially when someone is having a fight with someone else LOL!


http://beautyinnegativethings.blogspot.com/

Jeannie said...

Alright, I admit it, I may be guilty of posting pics of my food sometimes and blabbing about my kid, lol BUT it's not chronic like some people we know (who's names will remain anonymous for the protection of the innocent, ha ha ha)
My favorites are the "miserable little sourpuss" and the "emo's" though, it's like "dude, do you ever have anything good or happy to post about?" DAMN!
BUT THE BEST ONES are the couples who constantly post things on each other pages, either a. you are purposely leaving a trail for INS to establish that it's a "real" relationship or b. you are trying to convince yourself and others that it's a real relationship... LOL

At the end of the day, people will always find a reason to talk shit, so... DO YOU AND F* THE HATERS! If you must be a crazy blogger who always posts about your shit then MORE POWER TO YOU! LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!

LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Julie @ www.downtimeweblog.com said...

Amen to that!!!! I wrote Facebook off a few months ago. I couldn't stand it anymore. It felt like high school all over again. I had enough of high school with just the one time. Plus, I was addicted to FB. I became such a voyeur always interested in what everyone was doing all the time. I feel so free after giving up that time-sucker!

Janet said...

This post made me LOL so damned hard. Okay...I've definitely been The Proud Parent, The Club Slut, The Loving Spouse, and The Domestic Blisser. My stomach hurts from laughing.

The other day some girl from my high school who is just a fucking drama queen and fits under many of those headings above wrote, "Okay, I'm doing a clean-up of my friend's list now, consider yourself lucky if you're still on it by tomorrow!" Okay. Seriously? I think I wrote to you about her before. I just had to delete her, every time she wrote something I wanted to gouge my eye out.

Janet said...

OH MY GOD, yes, like TB said, the Reposter! I HATE THOSE! But I love the couples who fight through their statuses; I just grab a bag of popcorn and enjoy the show.

Anonymous said...

Today, I j-walked with an old woman.

Kirsten said...

Here's another one: The Jesus Freak (every status update is a prayer, a call to His service or praises for having the Almighty in their life!)

Nothing against religion...but it really dampens the mood when I'm trying to look for online porn and I switch back to the Facebook tab and LO AND BEHOLD...IT'S JESUS, JESUS, JESUS!

Anonymous said...

lol I really loved the proud mother who made honer roll some parents can be so annoying uhhhh

Pragmatic Spector said...

Haha this is especially funny because I am guilty of one of the things you mentioned here.. what can I say! Anyways I gave you a lovely blog award :) You deserve it! *claps hands*
http://pragmatismisawesome.blogspot.com

altadc said...

how come "Quotable Quotes" status updates never made it to the list? =)

Doug Stephens said...

Just a heads up. I mentioned this post on my own little blog.

As I told Charles when I linked him, you will probably get two hits off of it, and one of those is just me checking the link. :)

Rebekah Mae said...

Once again Annah you have me laughing my ass off.
most of my friends are the ones who update every five minutes or update us all on their boyfriends or clubbing habits. Which is totally why I left for a month. And also why I came back; I love knowing what people are up to. Mainly because I'm nosy.

>_>
<_<

Stop judging me.

rebecca said...

Thanks for the comment on my blog! Have you seen the website failbook.com? If not you should check it out, a lot of your example status updates reminded me of stuff on there. Always good for a laugh!

Lilly said...

The baby pictures drive me nuts. I just want to be like, your husband is so-so, your kid looks like a monster and my life is not in anyway better after knowing what you ate for dinner or where you went this weekend! GAH. I cancelled my Facebook for like 2 months once. It was the best 2 months of my life.

Dugaldo said...

Wait? We're not friends on facebook? Then who have I been submitting my naked drawings to?

Annah said...

Janet: Popcorn? Tu y Jeannie si que son malas!

Lilly: But we always go back don't we? lol. I was off it for six months and I didn't miss it AT ALL. But then I got my blog and needed to self-whore so I got back on it.

Dugaldo: I don't know buddy but you need to add the right person aka me and start sending the naked pictures! Oh wait, you said drawings. Nevahmind.

Jumble Mash said...

OMG that's so funny. Boyfriend and I were just talking about this the other night. Especially the over-sharers. I will never understand why people air their dirty laundry on social networking sites.

Andrea said...

I definitely have some people like that on my facebook!

http://ammorgan.scentsy.us

Vivienne said...

LOL That is hilarious! Great post!

A Marvelous Miss said...

I totally fucking hate the, "I love my life, I love my hubby, I am soooo blessed, and sooo happy" assholes. I have a couple of those douchers on my Facebook. I am of the opinion that those people are actually full of shit but want people to think their life is awesome anyway.

http://misadventuresofamarvelousmiss.blogspot.com

Koci said...

I'd like to add the Countdown People. One of my friends spent the entire month of June announcing every. single. day. how many days were left until she'd see her boyfriend again, usually coupled with lots of unnecessary smiley faces and hearts.

I must confess that I have been known to do an Wannabe Chef status update from time to time, but I tend to reward my friends with cookies so all is usually forgiven. :D

dennicapearl said...

absolutely love your blog, sense of humor, and writing style.

the world needs more people like you Annah.

<3 dennica pearl
- through the eyes of a pearl
- vintage shop

Romantic Asian Guy said...

Haha so funny! I needed to see your cute pictures and the commentaries next to them!

Danielle said...

A) I have a friend who whines about how her baby spits up and throws up and poops or whatever in one post, and then five minutes later is like 'i have the best life ever'... um bipolar shut the eff up.

b) Tweetters that tell me every effing store and restaurant they go to. Can you really go for coffee 5 times and then eat at six restaurants, oh your in class now.. and again in five minutes,, ohhh i wonder if you'll be in class in another five minutes. I'm so excited to read.

KILL ME.

pS love your blog, new follower for SURE!

Lorena said...

I laughed so hard, I loved this post....
People get irrational and plain dumb on updates.
I really hate the kid ones. It's too much.

Katie Mazur said...

I could not agree more! The "Mad" one is way too true, and drives me absolutely insane! ...maybe if I facebook this, then someone will pay attention to me and listen to my problems???...

Wallflower Confessions said...

You are absolutely hilarious! Love the facebook categories. I'm going to have to read some of your older posts now! I needed a good laugh today!

Mr. Condescending said...

the only thing worse is finding out someone you know still uses myspace.

btw, these were all hilarious and spot-on Annah!

Russell Holloway said...

Props to Kirsten for pointing out the Jesus Freak. Just another way the righteous make the cynical more uncomfortable.

Also, I did remember the one about the facebooker begging for your prayers for the family of some in-law or neighbor. Jeez what a buzzkill. Thank you for spreading awareness, except I don't know who it is, and now not only do I not care, but I also feel like a dick.

PS great post Annah; I dig your style.

Erin T. said...

A little late to the party here, but do the married couples who bring their stupid domestic spats to FB status' count as stupid posts? Every time a couple I know argue she changes her status to something petty about whatever argument they're having. And they argue a LOT.

Makes me want to punch myself in the face.