He Says, She Says.

Dan's Disclaimer: First off, I'd like to thank Annah for using me and my maleness in order to get better educated as she hops back onto the weiner wagon. When you've been in a cock-coma like she has, it takes a little while to acclimate. Whatever, chicks can get dudes whenever they want for the most part...we all know that. That's why on this list I'm omitting obvious stuff like, "All guys want is to get laid." Both genders tend to say the same thing about each other: "No matter what I do, I will never understand them." We're hoping to help a little while we're here.

Annah's Disclaimer: After reading Dan's lovely facts I realized I was quite the naivette to think he'd give me some PG rated material when I emailed him and said "Let's do a collabo post about the opposite sex!" Dear God I had to take a shot when I opened his email and was confronted with such obscenities. Bear with him, as I know Dan's a handful (or a mouth full, if you will) but he's brought up some valid points. With that said, I was told sex is like riding a bike and although celibacy is still going strong after the vow's end, I still remember a thing or two. Ready?

THE TEN COMMANDMENTS: AS PER ANNAH AND DAN

1) Guys have masturbated to you: At the risk of my female friends getting extremely freaked out, I can personally tell you that I've jerked off to almost every girl I know at some point in my life...not related to me of course. Look, guys get horny. They jerk off. I know you know that, but you may not think that they do to you. Well they do. Even if you're ugly. There's always at least one guy out there who thinks you're attractive, and odds are that guy has fist-pumped his phallus to you. Take it as a compliment.
1.) Girls masturbate to you too. And probably your friends as well, but only if they're cute. If your friends are ugly or eat with their mouths open it's safe to say we're not rubbing one out to them. You're welcome.

2.) 'Those things' make it hard to concentrate: If we just met and you have big boobs, when we're not looking at them all we're thinking is, "Pay attention...don't look at her boobs." In fact we get so fixated on not looking that we almost think we have when we haven't. Again, we know that you're expecting us to look, but when we look you in the eyes you may have this false impression that we're actually listening to what you're saying. It's not that we don't care...we just can't help it. It's like trying to talk to a dog with a squirrel in the room.
2.) We don't mind if you look at our boobs. In fact, we're flattered. But if we're having a conversation about the importance of Louis Vuitton purses or really great shampoos we expect you to act interested and not look at our breasts for a total of ten minutes. You can do it.

3) Just take off your bra: Within five minutes of hooking up we want your shirt and bra off, but sometimes we don't want to seem too eager. Now don't get me wrong, us dudes like to feel a sense of accomplishment - and more importantly we like to think we know what we're doing - but the bra thing is more of a chore. I'm not saying removing a bra is the most difficult process in the world, but it would save us time, energy and confidence and if you could let those bad boys out. Then we can motorboat them.
3.) Well why didn't you just say so? But really, motorboating is overrated. When it comes to that area, we prefer licking. And sucking. And a lot of lips. Not necessarily in that order.

We would also appreciate it if you undid your own belt buckle. I know movies have glamourized the whole thing but it's really difficult to undo a belt with your teeth.

4.) "What do you want to do right now?": Either have sex or get a blowjob. I don't want to go out to dinner; I don't want to go to see Broadway; I'm not interested in going to the zoo. All that stuff can definitely be fun, but it's not the answer that first comes to my mind, or any man's for that matter. In all honesty we don't give a fuck what we do with you as long as we're gettin' some lovin'. In the future though, don't even ask. Just give us head. We'll figure out the rest later. I feel like couples go out on dates without admitting that they'd rather stay home and fuck. Remember: Communication is the road to ultimate copulation.
4.) I'm sorry to break it to you but the theater and dinner are foreplay in our world. Sure, we don't mind getting pushed into a quicky once in a while and watching wrestling afterwards, but there isn't one girl out there who just wants to "get on with it" before something substantial happens. Indulge us, because it really is in your best interest. Believe me, you're not going to win any brownie points if your idea of fun is a date at Taco Bell or "just hanging out". Us girls know precisely what that means and if you didn't know, that means you're not getting laid. Get creative with it, guys. A picnic at the park. A homemade dinner that you actually put some effort into and didn't whip up with the mustard and hot dogs you had in your fridge. It doesn't have to be expensive, but we need to know you tried. The fact that you put thought into things is a major turn on for any girl, even the most cynical ones. So chop to it.

5) Handle with care: We want you to play with our balls. Some girls surprisingly don't know that. There's nothing more fun for a guy than to look at a girl with his balls in her mouth. "Excuse me, did you say something?" Ha ha. Anyway, you don't want to give the balls too much attention, but you can't neglect them either. Like teeth with a blowjob it's a fine line - practice in moderation. For instance, if a chick works my nuts too much I get all twitchy, giggly and ticklish. You know, when you're all like "Stoooppp it!" in that high-pitched voice. I end up laughing like a little girl...a little girl with a big dick.
5.) First things first, there's no action if you haven't trimmed the hedges around your bushes. If you want us to play with your baby making machines, they better be trimmed, preferably hairless if you ask me. Also, we're not mind readers. If you want to play ball, you need to ask for it. Just don't say, "Play with my balls". That's so not romantic.

6) We know you're lying to us: I can't relate to the average man in this sense, but I can certainly think like one. The thing is, if a dude has a small weiner he knows it. It doesn't take rocket science to look up the average penis size on the Internet, then compare our wang to it. So when we're hooking up and you say, "It's not small at all" or "It's just the right size," we know you're not telling the truth. But we don't care...we would much rather have a false ego inflation than feel self-conscious and get a penis deflation.
6.) We know we're lying to you, we're just trying our best to be diplomatic because that's what girls do. The fact that you have a small bat and we're still willing to come out and play says a lot about our character and you should be grateful. Bearing that in mind, if you have a small tool, you better be prepared to work extra hard in order to get the job done. If you're not fit to complete the task and on top of it you're complaining, you can rest assured you won't be getting a second call to action. There are plenty of other handymen out there who are fully equipped and willing to do things right the first time around.

Oh yeah! It's important to note that just because you're fully equipped with extra large tools, doesn't mean you're cut out for the job. There's only so much a big hammer can do for a girl. You gotta have the muscles to push and work it so she can be a fully satisfied customer. Satisfaction equals repeat business.

7) Tell us what to do when we go down on you: Eating out a chick is like driving in New York City: You always get lost at first, but once you figure it out it becomes second nature. Only problem is a different chick is like driving to a different part of the city: You're always confused all over again. All the guy has to do is pullover and ask for directions, but he never does. Instead he drives around aimlessly - or drives his tongue around aimlessly - hoping to arrive to a destination that he's further from than he was in the beginning. We have too much pride to tell you we need help, so help us.
7.) Everything you need to know about going to town is here: http://www.thebarreness.com/2010/09/demystifying-cunnilingus.html

But really, don't try so fucking hard if we're not into it. Some girls just prefer other things. Like fingers, kissing, deep tissue massages, playing footsie, or really expensive handbags. It's your job to learn what your lady classifies as foreplay and become a ninja master at it. No need to work so hard at something no one is enjoying.

My foreplay entails a lot of ninja stars and handcuffs, but no one would really know that if they didn't take the time to be curious, would they?

8.) We don't cat-call to get ass: I think for the most part American dudes know that chicks hate it when we holler at them. Guys just do it because they want to feel like they have the upperhand...they like making attractive women feel uncomfortable, mainly because the guy is too insecure to approach a girl and ask for her name. Except when we're drunk - when we're drunk we think anything will work. I think both genders can relate to that.
8.) I will agree with your last sentence. As far as cat-calls, though, I don't think any girl with her right mind takes a construction worker screaming "Hey baby you want a piece of this?" seriously.

9) We're more curious about the butt thing than we lead on: And I don't mean your butts. Most guys are thinking, "Woah dude...I don't want anything going near my ass." That's because guys are way too scared to admit that it would probably feel good. I, however, admit that it would probably feel awesome. It still freaks me out too much to ever try though. To all the chicks out there - lots of guys would secretly cave to a finger or a tongue up there...if you're interested try to push the envelope and you may be pleasantly surprised. But don't you dare try that shit with me...I will fucking fart on you.
9.) Butt thing is overrated. Oh wait, we're talking about your butt? Oh God. I don't want to put my finger up your butt, nor do I want to lick it. Unless I've had twenty drinks and by then I probably don't recall my name so you should take full advantage. Most girls don't like anything that has to do with butts. Mainly because butts dispense a brown substance that doesn't smell (or taste) good and that's not sexy. Also because it hurts. A lot. Mostly the last thing, but a little bit of the first thing as well.

10) Just because we're not making noise doesn't mean we don't like it: I mean, it might. But there are plenty of times when which we're on top just rockin out, doin' our thing. Lots of guys don't make noises in the sack but it's either because they're 1) concentrating, 2) completely absent-minded, or 3) thinking about another chick. I've talked to girls about this before and many of them tend to be weirded out by a mute man because they feel like they're getting fucked by Robo Cock. Can't say I blame you, but odds are we're loving it. Now turn over and let's finish this...my arms are starting to get sore.
10.) If we're not making noise, you suck. Simple as that.

Or we're sleeping.