Ain't Life Grand?

They say misery loves company and when it rains, it pours. What I really wanna know is, How come this doesn't apply to totally awesome events? For example: If I find a dollar bill on the floor Monday morning, why is it that when I buy a lottery ticket with that same dollar bill I don't win?

Last Wednesday, the local news channel announced a supermarket chain was holding a recruiting fair and even though I know nothing about supermarkets except they have comestibles for throat stuffing, I decided to take down the information and give it a shot (I am desperate, after all).

Thursday morning I woke up in high spirits, ready to take on the world and be proactive in my search for employment and quest for hotness (a.k.a. getting fit).

I jumped out of bed at six and decided it'd be swell to make coffee and sit on my balcony to conjure up post ideas from the dead.

After breakfast I went to walk the dogs and upon my return, the house alarm was blaring louder than a fire truck on its way to happy hour. I entered my code quickly and waited over twenty minutes for ADT to call me and ensure I was okay. It never happened.

 

Seeing that I pay $40/month for my peace of mind for absolutely no reason, I threw on my only pair of workout pants and a t-shirt and went for a power walk. The sun's rays were slowly emerging and I felt peaceful, paying no mind to the high school students whistling behind me and saying profanities as I sped by them in my old school Adidas. I got home ready for a shower and the supermarket job fair, feeling elated and proud from my little workout. Who would've thought that as I stood there gulping o.j. straight from the container and picking my wedgy, I'd discover something so disturbing.

Apparently my pants had a big ol' rip down the middle and everyone I passed caught a glimpse of my nude panties with some buttcheek on the side. Nice.

I rushed in the shower and half an hour later I was on my way to the Marriott to try my damnest and get a job. After an hour of going around in circles, it was evident I was more lost than Sarah Palin at a democratic convention. Yet another twenty minutes passed when I arrived only to find out the t.v. station had messed up the dates and the job fair had taken place two days before (it's a beautiful world when you can't even rely on the news to give you accurate facts).

I left the Marriott disheartened, ready to head home as soon as I figured out how to get back on the expressway. Yet I couldn't think. What I really wanted to do was cry, so I pulled into the nearest parking lot ready to let the snot roll when I discovered something beautiful right in front of me.

I caved. I knew I shouldn't have but I went in there and had a creme filled donut with one of those really fattening caramel lattes. It was so good I didn't even feel burdened with the usual post-meal guilt. Elated from the sugar rush, I decided to try a job agency around the corner and on my way there, some asshole turned when it was my right of way and hit my car on the left side.

I was livid. So of course I jumped out of the car ready to kick some ass.

But then Asshole also got out.

Sometimes, it's wisest to just throw in the towel and call it a day. I stopped at a gas station to check out the damage and was surprised to find only a few scratches on the driver side. I hopped in my car and turned it around, heading home as the usual afternoon rains began coming down in lovely Miami. As I pulled into my parking lot around six, I couldn't help but think how much I didn't miss rush hour traffic and how happy a hot shower and glass of iced tea would be making me in merely a few minutes. I reached inside the glove compartment for my house keys, but all I found were stolen napkins from Taco Bell and my insurance papers. I frantically began my hunt but we all know the harder you look for something the less likely you are to find it. I even looked under the car seats but this was all I found:

I cranked up the air conditioning and laid back, giving up altogether when the sound of scratching woke me up. I opened my eyes to stare at the very confused face of my ex-roommate who was picking up some old clothing she had left behind. I've never been so happy to see someone in my life and smiled stupidly as she handed me her keys and headed on home.

When I finally shut the door on the world behind me, Mikey came to greet me excitedly, shitting himself and my beautiful shoes in the process.

And that was it for possibly the worst day in the history of shitty days. One steaming shower later, I was snuggled in bed with my dogs and a delicious book. And that's the beauty of life; as long as you're living it, there's always tomorrow.