This World Is Full Of Dickheads

I'm back boys and girls!

I haven't slept in over thirty hours because I'm terrified of airplanes and had a panic attack on the first flight from Buenos Aires to Houston and nearly fainted on top of a surfer dude from California who held my hand for eight hours while I sweated profusely and complained of nausea as he held a barf bag with his free hand "just in case I tossed my cookies". There really are some nice people in this world (but that's another story altogether).

As usual, when I choose to write posts such as this one I find my self squirming in my pink butterfly undies because I know the loss of followers will surely ensue. Moreso because in the past week a handful of readers have pointed out most of my post subject matter is inappropriate for children and also that I need to find Jesus (yet again).

To that I can only say this: If at some point or another I claimed or alluded to this being a kid friendly blog then please accept my sincerest of apologies, as surely it is not. In regards to Jesus, I have no reason to find him because he's never been lost to me. Me and Jesus are like this!

And I'm aware it may be difficult to believe but I'm a very spiritual person and also a self-righteous fuck who can't even bring herself to steal a ten cent caramel candy from the grocery store when I'm craving one during that time of the month or not open a door for an elderly person when usually they can't be bothered to say thank you.

What I'm trying to say is: I'm not as evil as you think I am, guys.

Yes... I like drinking, cursing, partying til' my extensions fall off, gawking at beautiful men, being mischievous and on occasion making out with random strangers but I'm sorry! Like Popeye says, I yam what I yam and that's all that I yam (or something like that). There are worse things to be out there than a raging lunatic, trust.

My buddy Charles has a warning on the bottom of his blog that reads "all posts should be taken with at least one grain of salt" and I think I'd like to borrow that and apply it to my blog as well. You may also take them with a shot of tequila or your drink of choice, I prefer vodka slushies but you can drink what you like.

This blog is called Red Means Go, not Just Say No or I Like Bows. If we deny what we are then Jesus would surely be upset at us (ha ha), so I personally just roll with it and stay true to form regardless of the strange stares shot my way as I dance without music in the grocery line or the "Religion is your sauviour!" emails flooding my inbox. Can I get an amen? Okay!

Now on to the post...

Once I was a month into blogging I compiled a list of things I wanted to achieve for major famosity points by my six month bloggaversary which falls on September 16th (Bloggaversary: Can I copyright that word?).

Here they are:

So two out of four ain't bad and obviously I can't be mad at Ricky for not wanting to give me the bone but Perez Hilton is a different story. If you've been reading this blog for long enough then you know I am not one to give up easily when I want something, yet I have hounded this girlie man over and over via every social medium possible and he has repeatedly ignored my pleas for help at famosity. So who is Perez Hilton, you ask?

Well, asides from being that guy who forgot where he came from (cough cough, Miami), he's also the one who got his mug punched by this dude from the Black Eyed Peas...

Perez is filthy rich because of his blog in which he mainly makes fun of celebrities and draws penises pointing at their poor unsuspecting heads. He's obviously not down with helping the little people either so I'll just come out and say he only cares about himself. That's right, I said it. Maybe he's scared I will dethrone him because we have so much in common? I'm so delusional with lack of sleep right now it's not even funny. Go ahead, you can laugh at me. The similarities are definitely there though.

• Both graduated high school (but Annah graduated from college so she wins. Well, marginally wins since her GPA sucked as she was too preoccupied with Partying 101.
• Both love the gays (albeit in different manners)
• Both like traveling.
• Both like ties.
• Both have large breastesses (not a real word, guys).
• Both like cupcakes.
• Both like gossip.
• Both are from Miami with Cuban heritage.
• Both have messed up teeth (but Perez' are worse than Annah's).
• Both like manicures.
• Both like wigs.
• Both like wearing pink.

Only difference? Perez Hilton makes over six thousand dollars a day according to an article wheras Annah currently makes zero. That's enough to make anyone dive into a bottle of whiskey and drown their sorrows if you ask me.

And I'm sure as you're reading this you're thinking, Bitter much, Annah?

And heck yeah, guys. I am bitter because let's face it, who doesn't want to make $6000 a day for drawing doodles on celeb mugshots (only the ones who deserve it though). They don't even have to be celebs, I would extend my art to lesser people of insignificant value if given the whim.

Dude, you know what? I'll do it for free.

So thanks for nothing, Perez! I will not forget this when I am famous, damn it.

Oh wait! Forgot one more dickhead drawing.