Kimmie (whose name has been changed for reasons you'll soon discover) begs me to join her and some guy she met the weekend I almost broke my celibacy vow on a double date (his name is Sean). My designated snore for the evening is Sean's cousin, dude named Ronald with a funny walk (fail) and Converse shoes (win). I'm hardly capable of saying no to people when they plead so off we go: Kimmie, Sean, Ronald and myself.
We arrive at a restaurant called Carrabas 'round 9 and soon as we sit Sean orders a bottle of wine for the table. Glad for the much needed social lubricant as it's obvious this is destined to be one of those awkward blind date situations that never end well, I smile appreciatively his way. I'd already done my own mandatory liver lubricating at home prior to being picked up and am feeling pretty chirpy, indulging Ronald in a conversation about the importance of Scorsese films and lack of depth in present-day movies.
Once our food arrives, Kimmie excuses herself to go to the bathroom but when I try to follow she gives me the evil eye which means Stay put. I'm puzzled but comply, awkwardly making conversation with two strangers over shrimp linguini and Robert Mondavi wine. Five minutes feel like five hours and still no sign of Kimmie, so I take it upon myself to check up on her
The restroom only has one stall with a mirror and sink outside so I figure Kimmie's inside peeing. I've known her since we were kids so instead of knocking I just open the door and almost fall back at the site of her in front of the mirror.
Apparently, while poor Sean was ordering bottles of wine and whispering sweet nothings in her ear in an attempt to seal the deal, Kimmie was having text sex with some guy she likes who lives in Atlanta. I've never really taken part in "text sex" so to speak but seriously could she have picked a more inopportune time?
Me: What in the fuck are you doing?
Kimmie: I. I was just, ahhhh, taking sexy pictures for Josh.
Me: Josh? Who in the world is Josh? And why are you doing this now while I drown out there in shitty conversation?
Kimmie: It's the kid I told you about that I met on Twitter.
Me: (roll my eyes so much I catch a glimpse of my own thoughts). Twitter. You met a guy on Twitter and you're taking naked pictures while you're on a date with another guy and leaving me out there to die of boredom with Ebert & Roeper?
Kimmie: I'm sorry (gives me a sheepish look). You don't understand how this guy makes me feel, Annah. You're too, well, you're too you. You don't understand.
Me: Kim, you don't understand how he makes you feel. You've never even seen the guy. It's fuckin' Twitter. Really?!
Kimmie: Shoots me a blank, puzzled look.
Me: No worries my friend, take your time and I'll cover up for you. Just come back when you're good and ready.
I head back to the table and promptly order a dirty martini, no olives.
"Is everything alright?" Sean asks with a concerned look on his face that almost makes me feel sorry for the poor schmuck.
"Kimmie has the shits," I smile sweetly, burying my face in my glass of wine without waiting to catch a glimpse of his reaction.