Thursday

Text Sex And a Double Date

I went on a double date the week before I left for Buenos Aires and something really traumatic happened which I'm about to discuss here (imagine yourself as Freud and me on a velvet couch).
Kimmie (whose name has been changed for reasons you'll soon discover) begs me to join her and some guy she met the weekend I almost broke my celibacy vow on a double date (his name is Sean). My designated snore for the evening is Sean's cousin, dude named Ronald with a funny walk (fail) and Converse shoes (win). I'm hardly capable of saying no to people when they plead so off we go: Kimmie, Sean, Ronald and myself.

We arrive at a restaurant called Carrabas 'round 9 and soon as we sit Sean orders a bottle of wine for the table. Glad for the much needed social lubricant as it's obvious this is destined to be one of those awkward blind date situations that never end well, I smile appreciatively his way. I'd already done my own mandatory liver lubricating at home prior to being picked up and am feeling pretty chirpy, indulging Ronald in a conversation about the importance of Scorsese films and lack of depth in present-day movies.
Once our food arrives, Kimmie excuses herself to go to the bathroom but when I try to follow she gives me the evil eye which means Stay put. I'm puzzled but comply, awkwardly making conversation with two strangers over shrimp linguini and Robert Mondavi wine. Five minutes feel like five hours and still no sign of Kimmie, so I take it upon myself to check up on her since I'm bored to tears because I'm concerned.

The restroom only has one stall with a mirror and sink outside so I figure Kimmie's inside peeing. I've known her since we were kids so instead of knocking I just open the door and almost fall back at the site of her in front of the mirror.
Apparently, while poor Sean was ordering bottles of wine and whispering sweet nothings in her ear in an attempt to seal the deal, Kimmie was having text sex with some guy she likes who lives in Atlanta. I've never really taken part in "text sex" so to speak but seriously could she have picked a more inopportune time?

Me: What in the fuck are you doing?

Kimmie: I. I was just, ahhhh, taking sexy pictures for Josh.

Me: Josh? Who in the world is Josh? And why are you doing this now while I drown out there in shitty conversation?

Kimmie: It's the kid I told you about that I met on Twitter.

Me: (roll my eyes so much I catch a glimpse of my own thoughts). Twitter. You met a guy on Twitter and you're taking naked pictures while you're on a date with another guy and leaving me out there to die of boredom with Ebert & Roeper?

Kimmie: I'm sorry (gives me a sheepish look). You don't understand how this guy makes me feel, Annah. You're too, well, you're too you. You don't understand.

Me: Kim, you don't understand how he makes you feel. You've never even seen the guy. It's fuckin' Twitter. Really?!

Kimmie: Shoots me a blank, puzzled look.

Me: No worries my friend, take your time and I'll cover up for you. Just come back when you're good and ready.

I head back to the table and promptly order a dirty martini, no olives.

"Is everything alright?" Sean asks with a concerned look on his face that almost makes me feel sorry for the poor schmuck.

"Kimmie has the shits," I smile sweetly, burying my face in my glass of wine without waiting to catch a glimpse of his reaction.
-------
Have a naked weekend and take lots of pictures (just don't do it in a public bathroom stall, boys and girls).

78 comments:

Yvonne said...

Bahahahaha! Get outta my head! This brought back memories -none that I'm proud of I might add! Oh the things we do!!!! Have a great weekend!

Anonymous said...

woooow.....i need to find me a girl like that!!

TB said...

WTF??? TWITTER? I am just as confused as you were. How do you even meet someone on Twitter?

Also...was there no lock on the door? If I'm gettin' naked in a public restroom, you can bet good money that I'm checking and double-checking the door lock!

You have some weird friends.

c.honna said...

Ummmmm.....

An Intervention is Due ASAP !!!!!

The Adorkable Ditz said...

O_o wow, I woulda choked a bitch. That stuff comes back to haunt you. I wouldn't know personally but I hear lots of things!

The Adorkable Ditz

http://theadorkableditzmissteps.blogspot.com/

-------KIMMIE------ said...

OMG Annah you captured the moment sooo well! Thanks for making me look so good in the naked pic! LMAO!!!

I know it's crazy...trust me...I know its insanity...and though we're miles and years apart we have soooo much in common...and aside from the fact that he's got a big ego and the pics don't lie... I am enjoying every moment I talk to Josh and yes I have seen him...we've moved from texting to video chat... I've never ever ever done this but the adrenaline is just phenomenal!

And I am a grown ass woman and don't need no intervention Olivia! Don't know where this is going if anywhere, but all I know is I am enjoying it today...

P.S. Sean still calls me and wanted a second date after that. Really? I was gone forever with what he thought were cagaderas and he still wants to go out...lmao!

Annah said...

Yvonne: Okay, I'll get out of your head now. But only because I'm going to sleep.

Anonymous: Hmmph! I'm sure you do, buddy ;)

TB: I know. But if it wasn't for them then half the fun of this blog would totally be missing.

Ditz: I know. Hence why I've never taken part in any of that.

Olivia: She doesn't want an intervention.

Kimmie: You're a crazy ass amiga but I still love you though. Just make sure those pics don't end up in the internet. Or worse off, my blog *evil laugh*

violet badbunny said...

hahaha

totally did not expect that....! was she drunk? lol
ps your drawings are so cute!! and thanks for the how to get followers post... pretty sure you have the highest amount of followers i have ever seen..! i only join blogs that i would actually read and (yours today). i think followers are flattering but not neccesary. and i wouldn't want someone to follow me just to get one back.
but in your case, i am impressed. lol

xo,
v

http://howtobeanorphan.blogspot.com

Pragmatic Spector said...

LMFAO hahahahahahahahaha. WTF wait why didn't kimmie just stay home and have phone sex with this guy? You guys went through a torturous double date for no reason!!! Hilarious though hahaha.

amg said...

bright side: at least your awful blind date wasn't taking pictures under the table and sexting right then and there....


ps: really dig the differences between naked kimmie and naked mirror kimmie. its like a highlights puzzle.

dedicatedtomaude.blogspot.com

A Daft Scots Lass said...

No public bathroom pics? Oh come on! How am I gonna enjoy my weekend?

Opto-Mom said...

Ok, they ALWAYS end up on the internet. "Oh, but he's gonna love me forever, and would never do that!" One day, he will be pissed off and yes, he will do that.

Odie Langley said...

You did it again girl, great post and love your art.

PrincessBeks said...

that is hilarious!!! i mean i'm up for sending naughty pics and all but in a public toilet, takes it a little too far and i only send pics to guys i have already met!!
I think your friend needs to have a serious word with herself lol
x

Fred Miller said...

The word cagaderas symbolizes how you feel about sexting strange men. Your ability to lie for your friend demonstrates a transcendent nobility of soul. You're fine. That'll be $150. Please pay my receptionist on your way out.

The Fred Effect: News Headlines

J Franklin Evans said...

Uh, what's Kimmie's Twitter handle again?

Jewels said...

Oh my goodness! That's special. I have participated in "sex text" before but never on a date with another man...and I'm way too damn smart to put naked pictures of myself out there for anyone to copy and post and send around the world. NO thanks!
Glad to see you made it out of that date okay.

The Tame One said...

I wonder if Josh has a thing for nakkie pix in public bathrooms? I wonder if I would ever take my clothes off in a public bathroom for fear of dropping my panties on a dirty floor and having to put them back on. o.O

Guilt complex girls with the inability to say not to beggers unite. I would have done the exact same thing as you. I'm working on that.

Manda said...

lol wow lol ty for sharing this hilarious peice of your life its just what i needed to get me out of the slum and have an awesome weekend!! so hilarious roflmfao!!!

However ya;ll have a safe naked weekend and public places is always fun just dont get caught lol jk

peace out
-manda-

Xylina Myia said...

OMG! No. She. Didn't. And she didn't even lock the bathroom door. Anyone could of walked in there and seen what she was up to.
Although it is pretty hilarious and also you got a post out of it.
I am not sure about the whole naughty pictures being sent strangers. I mean he could be posting those things all over the Internet and showing his friends. Plus he probably has "biddies" in all different area codes swooning them with his fast twitter skills.

Liz said...

1. As Freud, my first recommendation is to stay off the floor; the man before you swore there was a flesh eating witch down there. *helps you back onto the couch*

(Um... If that didn't make sense, look back at the photo, then back at me, then back at the photo...)

Simple Dude said...

Wait, I think I should clarify. While its true we were doing a little dirty sex-texting that evening, I think she misunderstood me. I didn't ask her to drink wine & send me pictures from the bathroom. I was telling her that wine makes me spend too much time in the bathroom and that I have pictures to prove it.

Signed, Josh the Twitter Romeo

SD
http://simpledudecomplexworld.blogspot.com/

Anonymous said...

JOSH

ok hold on how are you guys gonna judge us? Clearly you've never been in a situation like this because you never met kimmie. She is an amazing person to me at least lol

Its more than just the physical our all day convo is GREAT! And blame Annah she interrupted our date we had for the night lol but u know we are humans and we have needs sometimes and i send her stuff too....

but we stepped up our game up to the webcam now! HA

Lacie said...

:) I love your stories.

DarrenK said...

lol, that's hilarious, you had me giggling to myself on my lunch break. The giggling prompted some strange looks from my colleagues, but not as strange as the ones I got when I scrolled down to *that* picture!

Just out of interest, how did the evening turn out in the end?

Awesome post, as always :0)

Smart Ass Sara said...

For a minute I thought she was going to sneak out. Because the one and only blind date I went on I ended up sneaking out through a back door for employees because the guy has stalker material oozing from him. Thank god I met him at the restaurant and he never figured out where I lived.

Raquel's World said...

This post was awesomely hilarious!

Jumble Mash said...

WOW! Really? I loved your cover story. Brilliant. I would love to know how the rest of the eening went.

Ms. C. said...

THANK GOD!...And by that, I mean thank God for the post, not thank God that Kimmie was taking nekkid pics. And, uh, he really thought GOODFELLAS was the best Scorcese film? Was he snortin' lines?!?

Sweet Charity said...

You are my hero for telling Sean that Kimmie had the shits. A++! Genius.

Stephanie Ann said...

That could not have been more perfect payback if it had been scripted for a Scorcese movie!

~Jesse~ said...

You are awesome, hillarious!..LMAO

Joangel said...

Kudos to "Kimmie" for letting you tell her story. At least she can laugh at herself while the the rest of us are rolling on the floor laughing at her. Great post Annah, perfect piece of humor to jump start my Friday!

Queen of the Rant said...

You are too funny, hahahha Kimmy has the shits-now why the eff is she sending naked texts to some guy she doe snot know, I bet ya twenty bucks those shots end up on Twitter!

Christy said...

I'm speechless... lmao... KIMMIE is crazy but hey whatever makes her happy... However, like our dearest Annah said... be careful... naked pictures always find there way into the wrong hands. Love you girls!

Danaconda said...

She's definitely no Kimmie Gibbler.

I will most definitely be telling this story to my friends this weekend. Looks like Kimmie should be getting her brains fucked out shortly. I'm curious to know how this goes...seems like the expectations are really high which is something I tend to avoid when it comes to sex. Should be interesting.

Oh, and you're on the blog roll ;)

Annah said...

Violet: She was a little tipsy, but not crazy drunk.

Liz: Lol that drawing WAS pretty awful eh? It's all good, I'm on the floor most of the time anyway as a result of tripping and falling.

Oh! and the evening ended like this: She came back a couple of minutes after that, said she wasn't feeling well. I asked to be dropped off home after bidding my farewells to Ronald and his incessant ranting, and Kimmie and Sean went out for drinks or something. I guess he must've really liked her.

Kimmie wants to clarify she never shows her face in the pictures and that Josh sends her naked pictures back too so it's all good according to her. Weeeph. We can breathe now.

Kandia said...

LOL that the door wasn't locked...that date must have been a complete bore/loser.

CJ said...

Your friend will likely be the next "hot" downloadable wall paper for iphones! lol. She's braver than I would ever be....ahhhh...amore!

daisykins said...

Sexting!! Hahahahaha. That's frickin hilarious! Dirty martinis always make everything better. ;) I like mine extra dirty though...for various reasons (they're more fun to order, and cuz I like it dirty, muah hah ha). Have a great weekend girlie!

Ninja Mike said...

Good post. Will take tons of naked pics for this weekend... My roommate just came back into town from trucking so of course we're getting into shenanigans and such. Your blog cheered me up, thank you!

anna-marie said...

Just started reading ur blog yesterday. I think ur great too funny. Unfortunately I will be at a 3 yr olds toy story bday party tomorrow . So no sexting or nakey bathroom pics. Just a lil awwkward. Haha I shall have to pull off these shenanigans another weekend. =p

Charles said...

ay, Anah. Su amiga es una harlot, verdad? jaja...

mira: nadie piensa que "casino" es la pelicula mejor. No entiendo por que no. Casino es mi favorito.

Also: don't people worry about their naked pictures being online at some point?!?

http://arealgoodblog.blogspot.com

-Hyphen- said...

very funy annah
you are my hero

Lola said...

Ayi my friend kimmie is crazy!!! GOTTA LOVE HER!!

DanWins said...

you got it rolling Girlo.

I hope you have a great weekend and it inspires a good post or two about your weekend adventures.

and to answer you from mine. Yes, lived there three times for a total of 5 1/2 yrs. Very beautiful country and if you get a chance you should go.

Caitlin N said...

Seeing as anyone could I have just walked in, your friend is a lot more brave than I am.

Yaimy said...

LOL Kimmie is too much and a pack of marbles...LMAO

This post is great, I was expecting that even though you went on a blind date helping out a friend you would have come out with the man of your dreams.

Never expected this type of ending. But very funny...LOL

Udechukwu Nonso Osita said...

While in Nigeria, we are a bit more reserved (hence more hypocritic), I must confess it sounded like a fun time out. Well, for Kimmie at least.

i sympathise with you on account of our bruva who wanted to talk your head off. I had a friend like that who always talked, but never listened, and it wasn't fun.

keep on posting, Annah. Great blog.

Udechukwu Nonso
http://uononso.blogspot.com

Amber said...

Quite possibly one of the best posts ever.

And YES, the Departed is the best Scorsese film.

Corianda said...

Holy Mother of Scandalousness.
Twitter? Reallllly? The modern day, 140-character, online, dating site??
Tell me she shagged Sean post mobile-romp with Twitter follower.
xx
Corianda
P.s Busy as ALL hell over here darlink!
http://corianda-corianda.blogspot.com

Chike said...

I was just begining to see reason in call sex and now I meet another shocker text sex! I sure will have to get use to that in a fast advancing world. To your friend I wish her the best In her online hook ups. To avoid being sarcastic I'd just stop here.

Anonymous said...

if yall only knew how fine kimmie is maaaaaaaan n im sure most of yall have done it before...who here WOULDNT do it?

-Jost

TheUnwashedMass said...

Nice one, Annah.

Steve G. said...

So wait, I'm confused - Did I win that swell purse or not? SPILL IT, woman!

And also, few things are worse than a bad date. I do online dating, since I'm kind of isolated from friends where I live now. One time, I expected to have a date with a 26-year-old who liked kids and worked as a fashion executive. In the course of the date, it came out that she was 35, hated kids, worked as a cashier at the Gap AND HAD NEVER KISSED A BOY. It was one of the worst experiences of my life, because she really, really wanted a second date. And I was like, "nooooooooooooooo." Darth Vader would have been impressed.

Tree_Goddess said...

Hahahaha! This is possibly the best thing I've read in weeks!

If we are talking best Scorsese films I would have to say it's a toss up for me between The Departed and Casino.

It's always a good time on your blog!

http://hatesyourstupidratface.blogspot.com/

Molly said...

Shit woman, can we go on a double date together? You could have helped me when I was out with the guy who hates cupcakes.

The Barreness said...

Hokay, so taking naked pictures is still allowed, right?

I mean...it is, right?

Honestly, I would have some seriously f*cked off pen pals if that sh*t becomes passe...

Also, I totally commented on your last post from China, but the shityy f*ckng @rse face internet connection was apparrently toying with me.

I need another cigarette.

- B xxx

Bodaciousboomer said...

You are one traveling chickadee for sure. Have fun on your trip kiddo.

Angie said...

You are killing me here! Love the pics! Especially because Eric and Ronald look like they have no feet! Hahahahahahahahahaha!

And Kimmie, work it hun! It's your prerogative and like salt and peppa put it "It ain't none of our business." Excellent work! Love ya babez!

Roxy said...

She's sending naked pictures to a guy she's NEVER met? I guess I don't understand how he makes her feel either.

Anonymous said...

Quite honestly the only reason i come here is because you're INCREDIBLY HOT! and you're Cuban! Perfect, pictures here and there of you just does it...

hey i'm being honest unlike these shameless advertisers here "dskjfsdlfsd.blogspot.com" at the end of their comment.

i can't believe you almost broke your celibacy vow and i was right about to read it, heartbreaking. So to be cautious i must stop coming here...

haha i just had some redwine but all is within rationale

-V

Mrs Midnite said...

Lol funny, next time I'm asked to cover for someone I'm using that line too. Great post, great pictures.

Annah said...

Angie: At first I was like... "Man, I'm too lazy to draw feet on these fools", then I was all "Fuck it, it looks better without feet anyway."

B: Of course naked pics are allowed. Just make sure you know whose hot little hands they're going to end up in prior to hitting "SEND".

Roxy: lol. Exactly!

Anonymous: So does this mean you're not going to read my blog anymore? That's a tragedy if I've ever heard of one. Red wine yum!

Mrs. Midnight: Thanks baby.

Sandra said...

This was too funny! You are hilarious! Love the little cartoons for added detail, you know, in case we didn't already grasp that Kim was naked! Terrific!

Four to Score said...

oh my god... this shit gets funnier and funnier everyday.

Lijington said...

friends...where do we find em....

Jumble Mash said...

Hi! I've given you a blog award!

Jumble Mash

S.I.F. said...

Oh my gosh! That is hilarious!! I can't believe you caught her doing that - at a restaurant! What on earth would she have done if someone else had walked in?!?

Anonymous said...

Well Roxy if you knew me ud understand :0

-JOSH

-----------------KIMMIE------------------ said...

Josh- You are too cute and your comments are turning me on! They just have no idea how crazy our chemistry is and how amazingly wonderful our conversations are! For that, I think you deserve a virtual date tonight! Muah! :)

Jourie said...

hahahaha I just love how these situations always seem to happen to you in the most awkward way possible lol

Peachy Keen said...

this is damned funny!!! all of your posts are amazing but seriously, are you like a magnet for the most ridiculous situations?! & i concur with (tb?)... HOW do you "meet" someone on twitter???

Annah said...

It's not that I'm a "magnet" for weird situations... It's that I just like to make fun of all the weird things that happen to me. These things happen to everyone, guys. Just not a lot of people write about it. This is just the TIP of the iceberg. Trust me.

Justin Ditler said...

Scatology - the comedy banker. Entertaining blog. I need cartoons on mine. Will you work for cupcakes? I can offer a selection of great titles in return, all beginning with w.

itsarielfool said...

this is amazing. you rock! :D

Anonymous said...

ten dollars says all yall have done this.....i have lol

jules said...

HA HA HA. Omg. I mean, girlfriend knows how to multi task!