This Is What Famous People Do

So I was reading an old issue of US Weekly two nights ago and flipped the page to this:

I thought to myself, "Who in the world would want to know anything about Tori Spelling?" And seriously, who the heck would? Then I figured, when I'm famous I'm going to have to do interviews like this as well.

Well, in the spirit of blatant narcissism and the inevitable famosity that's coming my way... I decided to write my own version of it and it's called:

"Twenty Things You Probably Don't Care To Know About Me But I Will Tell You Anyway Because I Feel Like It"

And honestly guys, it's high time you know more than the fact I love cupcakes (although that's super important, I assure you).

1

I hoard toilet paper as if Charmin had claimed bankruptcy ten years ago and the apocalypse was on its way.

2

A teenager held a gun to my head once and stole my favorite Coach purse (that fucker!). Bearing that in mind, paranoia is my best friend and I'm constantly looking over my shoulder to the point where people think I'm either crazy or cursed with a strange neck twitch.

Subsequently, every night before going to sleep, I check every room and closet of my place but instead of finding monsters or teenagers with guns, all I find is the same damn roach, in the same exact spot.

3

I was "Most-Likely-to-Succeed" in middle school, coincidentally right around that age where I was going through my "chonga" phase. I still had my 4.0 GPA, but God-what-the-hell-was-I-thinking-wearing-this?!

Anil is a doctor now and I'm an unemployed blogger. Something is really wrong here.

4

In high school, Anil was still "Most-Likely-to-Succeed" and I became the cool kid and got promoted (demoted?) to "Best Dressed".

Take that, Anil!

5

I'm a die-hard animal lover and donate my time and money as much as I can to the Humane Society and ASPCA. With this in mind, someone asked me how I felt about Michael Vick the other day and this is what I responded.

"I'd feed him my used tampons until he died a slow and painful death by suffocation."

Important sidenote: Pitbulls' sometimes violent behavior derives from improper training of mean- spirited people. They are a kind, loyal and intelligent breed. Please do not be fooled into thinking otherwise. Below is a picture of the latest pitbull puppy I rescued. Everyone say "awwwww" in a chorus.

Okay. Enough sappiness.

6

I think flowers are for dead people. Don't get me wrong, they're beautiful and all, but I just don't see the point in someone spending $70.00 on buying me something that's going to die in three days.

If you like flowers, then more for you.

7

I'm not really sure if I've ever mentioned this in passing but, I friggin' love Lil' Wayne. Not in the I-want-to-make-a-sex-tape-and-have-a-million-of-his-babies-way, but more in the I-think-he's-a-lyrical-ninja-and-want-to-carry-him-in-my-purse-way.

In my fantasy, Lil' Wayne and I are besties and we hang out all the time, lunching together and discussing things like the importance of medicinal marijuana and drinking forties.

8

I was born in Cuba and wasn't deported by the government until I was eight. I love the States because once you become a citizen, there are few things you can do to get deported, and that's pretty awesome if you ask me.

Nevertheless, I love my birth country very much and feel proud of my heritage. Oh yeah, and as many of you already know, I love rice and beans. I also love mojitos, polka dots, swimming, palm trees, wearing flowers in my hair, boats, cigars (sometimes), African beats, maracas, salsa dancing, Cuban coffee and a lot of other things associated with Cubans.

I do not like missiles, Gloria Estefan, communism, baseball (sorry!), cocaine or the asshole solely responsible for tearing my country apart and ruining it's beauty, Castro.

9

Because I'm Cuban, my first language is Spanish. As a result, I often times butcher the English language. Because I'm a naturalized United States citizen, my second language is English, and as a result, I often times butcher the Spanish language.

No matter what happens, at some point I'm butchering a language and offending somebody.

10 

Back when I was eighteen, I had very voluminous wavy hair so of course, the supermodel flatness is what I coveted. I paid my full summer job's salary on a new treatment for hair straightening called Yuko (fucking Japanese and their inventions).

That's $1200 to "de-puff" your hair and make it silky straight. The treatment totally worked, homies. It was successful as all hell. Only that it didn't just succeed at making my hair straight, but completely obliterated half my hair folicles, leaving me with clumps and clumps of hair in my hands every time I washed it.

Two months later I was practically bald, leaving me looking like this:

These days it's not as bad... But my voluminous poofy hair never ever came back. And granted, that's what I'm coveting the most now.

Ain't that the way the cookie always crumbles? Yep. Bitches be crazy.

11

My best friend is a flight attendant and I fly for pennies on domestic flights and free twice a year on international ones. If she ever chooses to give up her debauchery and jet setting lifestyle for one of domestic bliss, I shall be forced to bury her husband somewhere because I am not giving up my "companion" status!

12

I suffer from major aerophobia. Whenever I do fly (which is pretty often), I break into a cold sweat and start praying like Jesus was coming for me while I kung-fu grip the arm of whomever is sitting next to me.

13

My love of travel supercedes my fear of flying. If money wasn't a factor in my life I would just travel, do charity work and pursue my animal rescue passion.

14

Speaking of animals, I will rescue anything I find on the street if I'm able to make it hop in my car without biting my head off. It's a horrible ailment, really.

15

I've been single for almost five months now (engagements don't always turn into happy marriages). And yes, I am celibate. The reason for the celibacy isn't really very clear to me just yet. I guess all I know is I'm tired of bad sex.

So instead, I'm having no sex.

So far it's working out pretty well. But it's only been four months and I'm already having majorly X-rated dreams that would make even Jenna Jameson blush.

16

I usually drink beer with a straw. It's not a vanity thing, it's just that I hate to mess up my lipstick. Do you know how hard it is to put lipstick on when you're drunk?!

17

I never watch television but am totally in lust with the show True Blood.

But of course that shouldn't surprise you, seeing that I'm a vampire and all.

18

I've always fantasized about moving to Lisbon for a year and just cooking and learning portuguese and drinking port wine. Kind of like that lady from the book eat.pray.love. but without all the repetitive self-adoration and better fashion sense.

19

My friends call me, "The African Story Teller". This nickname is part of the reason for the birthing of Red Means Go.

20