It's pretty funny how I can write an entire post about the importance of mayo on sandwiches and I'll mention the word celibate in there and you're all, "Celibacy? Huh?"
Bearing that in mind, my little evil creatures, I think it's time I dedicate an entire post to this phenomenon. How it started, and how it will end (there's only one way, really).
First, I'd like to point out that "Sex & Celibacy" is now following me on Twitter and initially I thought it was one of you guys trying to pull my leg.
But then I went into their Twitter page and realized that this is actually a site dedicated to Sex and Celibacy even if both things are mutually exclusive.
That same day, I tweeted about how "Sex & Celibacy" was following me and one of my blog buddies Jazz sent me an email explaining how in an effort to find my blog she misspelled my URL address and instead typed redmeansgo.blogpot.com. Well, guess where that leads you?
It's apparent they've confused me for someone else.
At any rate, this little walk on the angelic side for me is still going full force, even if I've had my inner struggles. I can only presume that the experience of being celibate varies from person to person, yet I think the whole process can be divided into five stages. Here are mine:
Stage 1: Initiation
This is where it all begins. The idea just dawns on you and you're all "Ah-ha! This is the most ingenious idea I've had in years!"
Stage 2: Delusional Smugness
Your brain tricks you into thinking you've got things on lock. No one can come close to you and your newly achieved holy status. You don't need sex! Sex is for the weak of mind.
Stage 3: Creeping Little Doubts
Confusion sets in and uncertainty begins to permeate throughout your entire being, eating away at your ever growing sense of desire. Also, really pornographic dreams and cold showers become part of your daily routine and innocuous things you'd never pay attention to before catch your eye and resemble x-rated images.
You resent happy couples and all the crazy sex you can only suppose they're having.
Stage 4: Outrage
Being in bed with your dogs gets a little old and sometimes you just miss the warmth of a breathing human body next to you. During these nights, this is what it feels like:
Stage 5: Determined Resignation
The realization you've come too far to drop the ball at the end is palpable. You'll only end up disappointing yourself if you do (I just sounded like a parent there, didn't I?).
You're climbing walls with anxiety, but you've gotta pull through.
September 24th happens to be the day where my vow is fulfilled and although I have no intentions of going to the Blue Zombie and finding a candidate to help me celebrate in bed, it will be nice to know that I actually followed through on something and my reward will be a new sense of discipline (oh yeah, and sex too).
And absolutely I'll post about it because let's face it guys, you can't have a blog called Red Means Go with no adult content. I'm sorry but that's just not how things work. There will be sex, and lots of it (*crossing fingers*).
Hopefully, when and if it happens, it will be like this:
Instead of like this:
Update: We all know how prone I am to self-amusement by funny captchas. Well, fellow bloddy (blogger buddy) Sabrina sent me an email yesterday saying she was commenting on a blog post titled "The Ultimate Hoochie" and her captcha was this:
This is where I say how awesome this is but there's really no need. Have a vagical weekend and may the force be with you.