Desperate Times Call For Desperate Measures (And Awesome Panties).

I'm leaving to Cuba in less than 48 hours and I'm kind of freaking out because I haven't been there in almost four years and I'm excited to see my family but also terrified of the current political climate and batshit scared of having a cat served to me under the disguise of a steak filet so there! It's a nervous breakdown waiting to happen at any minute.I have a special sneak preview into the reason why this trip is happening for you guys tomorrow. My flight departs at 6:00 a.m. so I'm going to post the picture of "the bird" around three when I leave for the airport (if that's not dedication, then I don't know what is).

Also, I've finally accepted that Blogger's never gonna B.O.N. me (see below). Between all the damn taxi blogs and other nonsense they prefer, it's obvious I've been banned for good and Blogger doesn't appreciate my various attempts at sacrificing bunnies or killing chickens.So with this in mind I feel like I've exhausted all my options for a shot at famosity and will undoubtedly have to run the Miami streets naked which will cause me to get arrested and then I'll yell my web address over and over when the cameras zoom in on my lumpy naked body as they take me away in the siren- filled automobile.

Last night I was getting ready for a date but then decided to sell out because a) I'm just not ready to commit to anyone or anything except Kettle One and Buttercream cupcakes and b) currently all I want is someone who's great in bed which is really hard to find but seeing I'm giving celibacy a shot it was all sorta' pointless so I just ignored his calls and stayed home drinking champagne (for sure I'm getting hate mail for this).

Nevertheless I had my rollers done already and a mud mask on and champagne was flowing even though I said I wasn't going to drink so of course I sat on my couch with my three dogs and my mind started churning on how Blogger absolutely sucks for not B.O.N.ing me and Ricky Martin too for being gay and unavailable for sex-tape making and I was just so discouraged I got back on the internet and went on my favorite blog ever and was laughing my ass off at all the crazy shit she writes when all of the sudden!If you've been living under a blog rock lately then it's vital you know The Bloggess is the goddess of the blog world and she can just blow air your way and turn you into a unicorn or a bear or a zombie, depending on her whim. She has major pull in the blogosphere and is crazy funny. Or maybe she's just crazy. I haven't made up my mind on that just yet. Below is my letter to The Bloggess for help at famosity. And yes, I know the odds of her reading it are probably lower than Blogger B.O.N.ing me but fuck it, I've got nothing to lose.

A LETTER TO THE BLOGGESS

Dear Bloggess:

If for some miraculous reason you happen to read this, my name is Annah and I'm a big fan. Not the type that will hide-behind-the-bushes-in-your-front-lawn-and-wait-for-you-to-get-groceries-to-catch-a-glimpse-of-you-fan, but moreso the type that thinks you're a magical fairy who spits curse words and Valium instead of pixie dust and glitter because those last two things never helped anyone, wheras cursing and Valium always save the day.

I'm writing to you because Blogger is dead set on keeping my famosity in a jar and I really need to become an internet blogstar as soon as possible. The need was pretty urgent about a month ago but it has now exponentially multiplied since I quit my job and have no income and three dogs to feed.

Seeing that I've got rent to pay and a nasty Pay-Per-View addiction I have no money saved but! I do have a piggy bank with $212.55 in it and I'm more than willing to wire that money your way if you would feature me in your site as the creepiest fan alive who needs famosity to survive.

If my $212.55 are an insult to your awesome-ness then I'm sure this next thing will convince you to make me a star. I had a brilliant idea in regards to that dead whores' post from the other day. Seriously? Who cares if you never said "I'm awesome, what should I do?" This is a lucrative business deal waiting to happen and I'm not charging you anything for this soon to be patented gold mine! Here, I made these for you.

I know. It's pretty brilliant.


Also, I was thinking you can do a blog of the month award but instead of actually choosing someone you can have people bid on it like if you were the auctioneer at Sotheby's and the highest bidder would get the honor of a post on your blog. You can call it the "Break My Blog Award." Do you realize how much $$$$$ you could make off this? No, Bloggess. You have not chewed on the potential possibilities. Your ad could look a little something like this...
You can use that as your ad. Free of charge. Go ahead, take it.

Okay, I've rambled enough and it's time for me to pack so I can be on my way to eating cat steak with Castro.

Please make me a star, or at least send me a pin with your face on it.

Vodka Shots From Miami,
Annah

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Well guys, this was my LAST attempt at famosity. If this doesn't work out I'm going to overdose on rubbing alcohol.

Okay that's a lie. I have faith... Some shit needs to happen! If Tila Tequila can be famous all the while not knowing how to spell cat, then for sure I have hope.

Say a little prayer for me while I'm out in the communist capital of the world and since I won't post for a week, please please please don't forget me.