Two Words: You Suck.

I was laying in bed trying to fall asleep and thinking how much insomnia really sucks when I realized I haven't posted anything in like two days.

I have no real "next post material" my people so you're forced to read the following rambling.

A NOTE TO THINGS THAT SUCK

Dear Cup of Water on my Night Stand: You didn't tell me there was a fly in you and now I went ahead and drank you. Thanks a lot. You suck.
-
Dear Checking Account Balance: I like you so much better when you're not red. You suck.-
Dear Makers of The Bachelor: No one believes in love anymore and it's all your fault. Your roses are withered. Just quit now before you cause any further damage. You suck.
-
Dear Neighbor: Hammering shit at 7:22 a.m. is illegal in most states. You suck.
-
Dear House Phone: Please stop ringing precisely after 8:00 a.m. to only tell me stupid things like "You've won a trip to the Bahamas" or "Please hold for an important message." I live in Miami, House Phone, and I simply don't care for the Bahamas. I'm trying to sleep. You suck.
-
Dear Miami Drivers (Special Shotout to the Ones with BMW's): Don't hate me. But you simply suck.
-
Dear Hangover: Heavy tongue that tastes like sand paper is so overrated. The drummerboy in my head? I hate him. The scale telling me I've lost 6 pounds only to prove it's a lie two days later? I just can't take it, Hangover. Stop patronizing me. I didn't have eight drinks last night. That's a lie! You suck.
-Dear Dentist: Drilling holes in people in exchange for money is a questionable career choice. Stop the drilling. It sucks.
-
Dear AT&T: $3.50 cents per minute for a 17 minute call to London? All I wanted was to tell Brandon that my grandfather passed and here you are making me pay almost $60.00. I'm grieving here, AT&T, please don't add to my pain and misery. Don't you know I'm poor? You suck.
-
Dear McDonald's on 57th: No ice cream cones before 10:45 a.m. is simply just wrong. What you say? 8:30 a.m. is too early for soft serve. Tell that to my stomach, McDonald's. I dare you.
-
Dear Landlord. Well, no real reason. You just suck.
-
Dear Lady With The Chin Hairs at the Taco Bell Drive-Thru: Why do you always give me MILD packets of hot sauce? I said I wanted FIRE. Do you know what that is? Would you care for me to demonstrate? Not MILD, not HOT, FIRE! You suck.
-
Dear Suck: You're not as cool as you think you are. You're hard to do, I get it it. But you still suck.
-
Dear Lil' Wayne: Please stop carrying weapons and selling drugs. You're no good to me in jail. You suck.
-
Dear Job: You blow. And suck too.
-
Dear Love: I don't have time for you right now. I've told you time and time again I want to be the next George Clooney (minus the penis). You're breaking my heart, love. But I can't right now, okay? I hope you understand. Come back in a decade or so, love. Don't give up on me entirely. You suck.
-
Dear Hair (Not You Bangs!): Stop being so greasy all the damn time. I don't have forty-five minutes for a daily blowdry and a girl can only wear so many buns. I'm sorry but only Bangs gets daily blowdry jobs. Those are the rules Hair, I didn't make them. You suck.
-
Dear Rice & Beans With Fried Steak and Sweet Plantains: Why do you smell so good? Stop parading around that plate like you're hot stuff. You're excessive calories and shiny grease are trying to tempt me and if you don't stop this behavior right now I will be forced to eat you! I mean it Rice & Beans! Consider yourself warned. You suck.
-
Dear Mother: Please stop making Rice & Beans and then telling me to lose weight. The pressure is too much to bear. You suck.-
Dear Dry Spell: Two months?! Really?! No it's not my fault. This is your fault. You suck.
-
Dear Responsibilities: Just stop. You suck.
-
Dear Brickbreaker: Stop butchering my productivity with your excessively alluring powers of play. I have work to do, Brickbreaker. Only one more game you say? Okay fine. But after this I'm through with you! You suck.
-
Dear Mail Keys: Where did you run off to? I've looked for you everywhere and you're just plain lost. It's clear you don't love me anymore but I haven't checked my mail in months. Please come back to me. I'll buy you a keychain this time, I swear. You suck.
-
Dear Sarah Jessica Parker: Sex & The City 2? Really? I thought we were homies Sarah. You've crapped all over something sacred to me and I simply cannot forgive you for that. The movie sucked, Sarah. And so do you.
-
Dear Plant: Why did you die? I watered you and chit chatted almost every single day on the balcony when I could've been watching True Blood re-runs. How dare you pass out on me, Plant? You know what? You're dead to me. You suck.
-
Dear 37 Pounds: Why don't you do like Plant and die? I've been trying to kill you for like, what, 8 years? This time it's personal. You're going down. That's right! You suck.
-
Dear Osama bin Laden: @*(#&@*&#!!*!! #*&@!#*&@# ! !&^@*! You suck.
-
Dear Headache: I cannot take the pounding anymore. The pounding in my head, that is. Get your head out of the gutter, Headache. You are in the gutter, you say? Well get out. You're not welcome here.
-
Dear Wedgie: Why are you all up in my business? I was just trying to walk to my car and there you appeared. I scared you away but there you were once again at my morning meeting, and at the post office, and later on in the grocery store. Go away, Wedgie. Or else! You suck.
-
Dear Laser Hair Removal: So painful. So expensive. You suck.
-
Dear Cute and Possible Serial Killer Guy From Last Night: Why did you stare at me and then leave without getting my number? What? You were staring at the girl behind me? You suck, Serial Killer Guy.
-
Dear Bank of America: A coffee should not cost $38.50. I only had $1.35 in my checking account? Really? Certainly there must be some misunderstanding Bank of America. You suck.
-
Dear Founder of Billie's Cupcakes: Why no Miami branch? What, only New Yorkers are good enough for your delicious cupcakes? I want to speak to your manager. You are the manager you say? Okay. You suck.
-
Dear Sheep #12,562: Go to sleep!
-
Dear Senior Citizen Neighbor: Yes, I was naked. But does a girl really have to throw on a shirt for a two a.m. refrigerator run? I just wanted cookies, neighbor. The board of residents didn't really need to be involved. Cookies in the buff is oodles of fun and must be tried at least once before you die. Neighbor, you are running out of time. Go have cookies and take off your clothes. Almost forgot! You suck.
-
Dear Jenna Dewan: You could've had any guy in the world but instead you chose to marry Channing Tatum. Didn't you know he was mine? I had my eye on him first, Jenna. You suck.
-
Dear Annah: Please stop torturing your readers with stupid posts such as this one. You suck.
-
Dear Reader: Did you really just read all this nonsense?

Um, you rock.