My Friends

I'm aware that my mind doesn’t function as discretely as everyone else’s, yet I can assure it has nothing to do with me and all to do with the crazy people I surround myself with. Maybe if my friends were normal, then my thoughts would resemble those of a standard human being instead of someone who at times belongs in an asylum.

Behold, five random conversations between myself and people I love:

Brick
Annah: You’re coming to that party on Saturday right?

Brick: Where is it again?

Annah: Mark’s house.

Brick: Who’s that?

Annah: You know, the guy that wears the green contacts and drives a Mercedes.

Brick: Oh! Ha! (chuckles) That douchebag. (rolls his eyes) The one with the really hairy chest that keeps his top buttons always open right?

Annah: He doesn’t have a hairy chest! (laughing and pretending to be confused).

Brick: Dude what the hell are you talking about? The first time I saw that guy all I wanted to do was buy a hair net and put it on top of his shirt. I can’t believe you weren’t thinking the same thing. Fuckin’ nasty.

Penelope
Penelope: I think I’m in love with this guy I met at the supermarket yesterday.

Annah: Um, what?

Penelope: I met this guy at Publix yesterday and I seriously think he may be the one. He is so cutesy! Omg.

Annah: Okay….. weird but okay.

Penelope: Don’t be so damn cynical Annah. Ever heard of love at first sight?

Annah: No, don’t think I have. Refresh my memory.

Penelope: (shoots me a stony look) Anyhow, we have a date tomorrow night. He’s purr-fect. Except this one little thing.

Annah: Ha! Spill it.

Penelope: He has this nasty mole right in between his eyebrows. Kind of like Enrique Iglesias but not sexy. Every time I look at it, I just think about grabbing my dad’s machete from the backyard and chopping it off.

David

Over dinner one night…

Annah: So this girl Martha (fake name) posted yet another status update on her Facebook talking about her kids and what they did today for school. I’m sorry but I really don’t give three shits if little Timmy learned his abc’s today and you baked him a banana muffin with coconut frosting and sprinkles as a reward.

David: Ha! Martha? She’s a certified nut job. I had it out with that girl on Facebook.

Annah: What do you mean?

David: She kept on posting these stupid things like “My hubby and are going to eat dinner tonight at TGIFriday’s” or “It’s Saturday night so the hubby and I are going to have a cuddlefest on the couch.”

Annah: (Margarita squirting out of my nose).

David: So I replied to her post and said, “Sometimes, I just want to grab a ballpoint pen and stab you in the neck with it, to then proceed and have a cuddlefest with your dead body. Now that would make a perfect Saturday night.”

Annah: You didn’t?

David: Ya’, I did. Then she deleted me from her friends.

Jack

Jack: I got the package! Excited to see what it is.

Annah: Oooh! Open open! You’re going to love it.

Rustling of papers as he opens the box and takes out the Botero-style figurine I shipped him as a graduation present.

Jack: Um, why did you send me a fat naked lady? What is this?

Annah: It’s a Botero figurine babe. What do you think?

Jack: A who?

Annah: Jack! Please say you’re joking and you know who Botero is. What kind of a friggin’ doctor are you going to be that you don’t know who that is?!

Jack: Sorry babe I’m not really up to date with my “naked fat people” art.

Annah: (exasperated sigh) Well, it’s a very famous Colombian artist whose work is reknowned because of these overweight people. It’s sort of his thing babe.

Jack: Oooookay. Well uh, thanks baby (forced tone of happiness).

Annah: You don’t like it?

Jack: I do, I just thought you’d send me something more my style. Where am I going to find a place for a fat naked lady with pearls at my loft?

Annah: Shut up! You’re such an idiot sometimes you know that? (aggressively getting defensive) Botero is a ninja! You’re just totally uncultured because all you do is read books on how to cut people’s heads and put them back together.

Jack: A ninja? I thought ninjas had to be able to climb walls and shit. No way could she do that! Well, maybe if there was an ice cream truck on the other side or something.

Annah: I’m hanging up now! (Laughing so hard tears are streaming down my face, although I won’t admit that to him).

Marcus

We’re hanging at a gay bar and I'm trying my best to keep an eye out for any straight cuties, even though Marcus swears no straight man would ever be caught dead in a place like this. This beautiful boy has been looking at me for the past ten minutes as I’ve been chatting up Marcus at the bar, his bulging biceps and perfectly sculpted chest are totally giving me an LL Cool J vibe. I’ve been smiling back trying to look as alluring as possible with my toussled bed head and dark lined eyes, framed by my signature false eyelashes.

Annah: Ooh look at that guy over there!

Marcus: Which one?

Annah: The one right there with the black button down shirt. (pointing discretely in his direction) He’s been staring at me for the longest! (getting uberly excited).

Marcus: Oh that’s Leonardo. He is so ovah! Hot!

Annah: Yes he is. Yummy yum.

Marcus: And guuuuuurl, he is hung like a horse! Only that, babe? He’s not looking at you. He’s looking at the drag queen standing right behind you.