Love Thy Neighbor

Dear Neighbor:

I’ve been pondering on the basis of our so called relationship as of late and decided I’ve had enough of your selfishness. I’ve been feeling very unappreciated by your behavior and am bound by honor to get some things off my chest. I’m just gonna come right out and say it so bear with me okay?

I don’t appreciate it when you leave half eaten onions and green peppers on the lawn that we share. Is it that the ten steps to the garbage is too much for your lazy ass to cross? Or are you some sort of witch who’s discretely trying to do voodoo on me?

This brings me to my next point. Why won't you ever take out the garbage? I know I took it out once for you when I first moved here in an act of neighborliness, but that was almost two years ago and believe me when I say that wasn’t code for “I’m-your- bitch-and-will-take-out-your-garbage-every-Monday-and-Thursday”.

Let's be honest. The gin bottles strewn all over the lawn are totally uncalled for. I have no issues with you "getting your party on" Tuesday nights, but I detest picking them up after you Wednesday mornings, especially when the bottles are empty! I mean, if you’re going to leave them on the lawn, at least leave a little for me. By the way, I know your son is the culprit who smokes weed on my steps every Friday and Saturday night (yet another thing you ingrates choose not to share, the weed that is). Yet you have no qualms about sharing an excess of Dorito chips and pork rinds, which you so kindly leave all over the staircase leading up to my place. I know I’m a fattie and all, but my obsession with food hasn’t had me eating it off the floor (well there was that one time but I was really hungry and heavily under the influence of vodka).

I find it's my duty to tell you your daughter has sex in that beat up blue car almost every night 'round midnight, precisely when I take my dogs down for their last peepee and poopy fest of the day. I wouldn’t really mind it all that much except that they insist on keeping the windows down (I assume the car has no air conditioning) and I’m forced to listen to their panting and grunting, being reminded oh-so-painfully of the sex I am not having.

I think that sums it up, but if I remember anything else I’ll be sure to let you know.

Oh yeah! Please keep your wigs/weave/extensions and all other hair attachments to yourself. As a proud owner of clip ons, I can certainly understand the benefits, but let me assure you they are not meant to go anywhere but your head. The roof of my car, the grass, and yes, eventually my dogs’ mouth are not the places for it. Putting on gloves to pry someone else’s greasy hair out of Bruno’s mouth is not how I envision my Saturday mornings.

Anyhow, I was going to tape this letter anonymously to your door, but I figured that you’d quickly realize who it was from and come for me. I’m too chickenshit to actually do it and even if I tried to call the cops it wouldn’t do me any good, because as I just realized a few weeks back, you are a cop. I guess that means I’m f*cked and this whole thing was pointless.

Anyhow, gotta run now and take out the garbage (yours too of course).

Your loving neighbor,
Annah