Facebook Etiquette

Dear Timmy:

I woke up this Sunday morning in hopes of wishing everyone a Happy Mother's day prior to cleaning my place and hanging out with my mom when I was greeted by something unusual on my welcome page. This had never actually happened to me before so imagine the shock when I started scrolling down and all I saw were status updates from Timmy Martinez, Timmy Martinez, Timmy Martinez.... Fuck's going on? I thought. I know you're not my only friend! After making sure that my friends hadn't all died or been abducted by aliens, I went into your page to see what this madness was all about.

Now Timmy.... I think you and I need to have a little talk (and this is for your own good I swear). Let me break down some Facebook rules for you hmmkay? You gotta be in the know Timmy because this is just getting dangerous and let me just tell you that you're not doing yourself any favors buddy. Trust.

Rule #1.
You cannot post more than five status updates per hour. That's just not normal. If this is indeed what you want to do then you’re in the wrong social network system. Your ass needs to go to Twitter. Here's the website. http://www.twitter.com/

Rule #2.
No one (not even your mommy) wants to know your deepest and darkest thoughts, or any of your personal business for that matter; so just keep it to yourself pal. Let's review some of your most enlightening posts shall we?

See.....? I am okay with your ranting once a day, but when you post 49 status updates (yes I counted) in 24 hours, that's just crazy. You're making my eyes bleed. Which brings me to my next point.

Rule #3.
The "Like" button is there for your friends to click on it, if indeed, they like what you've written. I'm sure you consider yourself your own best friend and all, but amigo, you cannot "like" your own status. That's just crazy. Please see below in red. Rule #4.
But even worse than liking your own status my little Timmy, is commenting on your own status, BEFORE ANYONE ELSE HAS COMMENTED ON IT. You have to wait... I know your speedy little fingers are just dying to click like or comment on the wise philosophy you've just imparted with the world, but you can't. You simply, CAN'T. You have to exert some deep inner strength and wait for people to comment.

Alright Timmy I hope this helped. I gotta run now and delete you from my “friends” list. Hope you're having a wonderful day.

Your ex-Facebook friend,
Annah